


Heart of Stone

by Ryu_Reikai_Akuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Buried Alive, Claustrophobia, Developing Relationship, Drowning, Durin Family, F/M, Gore, Hunters & Hunting, Imprisonment, Injury, M/M, Masturbation, Nightmares, Thoughts of Self-harm, Torture, Uncle-Nephew Relationship, Wargs, implied prostitution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 86,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma/pseuds/Ryu_Reikai_Akuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hobbit and the men of Laketown thought Thorin, Fili, and Kili died in battle, but the dwarfs knew the truth. The heirs of Durin took part in a ritual to cleanse them of their mistakes - a ritual in which they were entombed alive. Surviving hunger, coldness, and mind tricks was only the first challenge. Living in the surface and building a new life after being declared dead were the hardest challenges yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at something with a real plot! And as usual my mind took me to dark places when I think 'fic with plot'. Being buried alive is my personal fear so this fic, and this chapter in particular, contains all disturbing thoughts that came to mind when I imagined it.
> 
> For any question or comment or anything, you can find me in tumblr under the name demonessryu.

The tomb was dark and cold and despite having spent most of his life living in rocks, Kili shivered. The space was small, even smaller than the hobbit’s living space, and completely devoid of light. If Kili reached up, he could easily lay his palms against the cold ceiling and with a few wide steps he could cross the room. There was a small chamber pot in one corner, a pile of cloths in the center of the room, and nothing else. While Thorin’s Hall in Ered Luin constantly reverberate with noise from somewhere in the city or the mountain, this place deep inside the Lonely Mountain was completely silent. The scent surrounding them was mildly familiar: earth and metal. But, there was something else far more prevalent; something powerful, old, and cold; something dead.

“I will have food and other necessities delivered to you every day,” Dain said quietly. He stood by the door and the torches held by his guards behind him cast his dancing shadow into the tomb. Kili looked at the flame, knowing it would be the last time he saw light for the next six full moons.

Thorin nodded. Then, as if it suddenly occurred to him to speak, he said, “Thank you.”

Kili’s lips twisted at how strange the words sound in Thorin’s voice and how hollow the dwarf sounded. But Dain didn’t know this. Dain’s smile was tight, his eyes full of regret. He signaled an attendant to bring him a heavy-looking metal box. Dain handed the box to Thorin who accepted it easily despite his healing injuries.

“The Arkenstone,” He explained. “It should return to the mountain where it belongs.”

In the very dim light Kili could see Thorin’s fingers twitched and he glanced at Fili. His brother looked tense, watching their uncle’s reaction closely. It was still clear in their mind how volatile the mere thought of the stone made Thorin, how it blind his mind with greed and deafen him from reasons. Sheer habit brought Fili’s hand to his back where his double-headed sword should be, but they had all been stripped from their weapons and armors. Now they stood in the cold tomb carrying nothing but the coarse tunic on their bodies; no weapon, no wealth, no bloodline to speak of. There was no need for those in the world of the dead.

Thorin’s nod was stiff in acknowledgement. “Then it shall return to the stone with me,” He said hoarsely.

Dain gave his cousin one last look and looked at Kili and Fili standing on the side. He offered them all a smile, but it barely brought any semblance of comfort. Perhaps they ought to say something, but although Kili had thought his final day of freedom would be spent talking endlessly, he found himself completely tongue-tied, and Fili seemed to be the same. The new King of Erebor stepped back. “Stay well.” He said in parting.

Kili’s heart thudded painfully in his chest and he began to tremble as guards began to pile stones on the small entrance. He took half a step forward, ready to beg Dain to bring him out of this tomb, to take him where he could see sun, to a place which didn’t smell and feel like death, but Fili grabbed his hand and pulled him back even though Kili could feel the tremor in his hand. Kili watched, helpless, as heavy stones built up. Flickering flame cast some light into the tomb, but it gradually disappeared as more rocks were mounted at the entrance. A small hole remained at the bottom for air to enter and food to be sent to them, but it looked so small, too small, and Kili choked in imagined suffocation.

Finally, the final stone was set and footsteps were heard drifting away along with light. Kili was plunged into a cold, tight, unyielding darkness. He had been cast away to death.

 

* * *

 

The first night Kili’s teeth chattered loudly although he didn’t feel cold and his aches doubled in intensity. Fili kindly lent him his thin blanket, but it did nothing to soothe Kili’s affliction. His eyes, wide but mostly unseeing, roamed the small space wildly. Fili sat in a corner, quiet, unmoving, and seemingly not breathing.

Stone. He had turned to stone, Kili’s mind screamed frantically and he opened his mouth to call for his brother, but his voice failed him. He watched Fili in unspeakable terror, his own body paralyzed, weighed down by the weight of the mountain above and around them. A flicker of movement caught his attention and he looked to the other side of the room. Thorin sat with the metal box in his hands. Once in a while he made as if to open it but always changed his mind. His eyes were intense, but held no light nor warmth.

Kili shook and buried his head in the blankets, wishing darkness would take him away.

 

* * *

 

Noise jolted Kili up. Without Fili to restrain him, he pressed himself against the rocks blocking the door. He pressed his ear to the wall of stone, desperate for a sign of life.

There it was, the quiet shuffles of footsteps from what seemed like miles away. It stopped outside the hole and Kili must resist reaching into it, to beg for the touch of the living. He reminded himself of the rules: No contact with the living lest he wished to be cast in eternal darkness. He watched, wide-eyed as a small tray of food and water was pushed inside. The footsteps retreated soon after and desperately Kili took the small bowl of porridge. It was barely warm, but it was the hottest thing he touched for what seemed to be a century. He held the bowl with both hands, closing his eyes as steam caressed his face.

Kili ate the porridge slowly, the savoring the warm weight that settled at the bottom of his stomach. After a while Fili stirred from his position and took one of the bowls and ate it slowly. Thorin hadn’t moved.

 

* * *

 

Fili began murmuring quietly to himself after the first week (or at least Kili had counted that food had been delivered to them seven times). He pulled his knees to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. Sometimes he would rock back and forth and his eyes would burn. Other times he buried his face in his knees and his shoulder shook.

Despite the silence it was nearly impossible to know what he said. It was something in Khuzdul, a long string of nonsensical words. When Kili listened carefully he caught words like ‘death’, ‘blood’, ‘hurt’, and ‘stop, stop, stop, stop’.

Kili pulled his blanket up to cover his ear, but the muffled voice was nearly constant in the back of his mind and he found himself echoing them quietly. He closed his eyes, whispering to himself, “Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop….”

Thorin still wouldn’t move.

 

* * *

 

Ered Luin was glorious during spring. Kili stood at the top of the tallest tree in the mountain, one located precariously near a ravine. He held the old trunk with one hand while shielding his eyes from glaring sun with the other. He smiled widely as he assessed the returning greeneries, the patches of colors from a field of flowers nearby, the clear blue sky above and the fluffy white clouds in the distance. Birds sang from somewhere in the forest, celebrating life. Leaves rustled as woodlands animal lazily tread upon them in search of food. Sunlight warmed his body, tanning his skin. When he looked down, he saw Fili smoking under a nearby tree. He smiled when he caught Kili looking at him and waved him down.

“You’ll fall to your death, Kili.” He warned.

“I won’t!” Kili said confidently. To illustrate his point, he jumped on the branch he stood on. He landed safely on his two feet and laughed at Fili’s worried frown. “See?”

Fili opened his mouth to retort but a loud cracking noise drowned his voice. The branch broke and Kili fell with it. He frantically tried to hold on to something but his hands seemed to pass through everything. He thought of the ravine under, the hundreds of feet drop to unforgiving stone. He thought of his mother at home, patiently waiting for her sons to return home. He thought of Thorin on his throne, watching him spar and demanding the best of him. He thought of a small hole in the stone wall where dwarves who died were returned to the stone. He thought of enclosing darkness, cold embrace of death, spidery fingers around his neck.

Kili woke up, gasping for air. He kicked his blanket away and clawed at himself and at the stone walls. He broke his nails and reopened injuries and the pain made tears ran down his face. He clutched his injured hand close to his chest and wept.

 

* * *

 

“…Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Oin, Gloin…” Kili whispered.

He was tired of the word ‘stop’. It reminded him too much of the undersirables, of nightmares, of mistakes. He tried reciting songs and poems but they reminded him of his waning dreams, of the days he romanticize the future he would never see. He tried saying his mother’s name but it reminded him of what he had left behind and the pain was more than he could bear. He tried saying random words, but the association with the things above ground that he had been forced to abandon made him ache with longing. But he wanted something to occupy his mind. He wanted something to remind him that he was real, that he had a voice and a body, that he was not a silent ghost. His broken nails had healed and he contemplated on breaking them again to feel something.

Kili wrapped his blanket tighter around him and continued to whisper to himself.

“Cold. Dark. Alone. Help me. Help me. Help me.”

 

* * *

 

At some point Fili had stopped his muttering and rocking. He now sat boneless in his corner, breathing slowly.

Once in a while his eyes would meet Kili and there would be no smile on his face. There was a brief spark of recognition (or it might be Kili’s hopefulness) but he said and did nothing. He looked at Kili blankly the way their father’s corpse had stared into infinite distance when Kili found him bloodied in the depth of the forest, ripped apart by orcs (‘Honorable death,’ they said, ‘Honorable dwarf.’ And Kili had been so proud and scared because it looked so painful but that’s how he was expected to die, that’s how a dwarf prince was expected to die. That’s how he should see his father again whether he liked it or not). Fili stared and stared until Kili couldn’t bear it anymore and looked away. Then Fili would look away, too, and breathe slowly, softly, quietly.

 

* * *

 

There was an odd light in the tomb. It’s not fire. It’s not the sun. It gleamed silver, chasing away darkness with its unnaturalness. Kili got up slowly and looked at Fili. His brother was asleep, curled up and peaceful and alive. The light was coming from Thorin, he realized, and after a moment of hesitation he approached it, desperate for a break from darkness.

The box was opened and within it was the stone Kili had only seen once before, the Arkenstone. He sat next to Thorin, staring at the gem. Was this why they fought? Was this why so many had died? Was it worth all that loss?

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Thorin said suddenly, his voice rough from disuse. It was startling in the silence and for a second Kili thought it had awoken Fili, but his brother didn’t move.

“It’s bright,” Kili said because that was the only thing that mattered to him. It was bright. It wasn’t dark. It didn’t suffocate him. It didn’t remind him of death.

Thorin’s voice was soft as he spoke, his eyes shone with something Kili couldn’t quite understand, “They used to pay homage to it. Dwarves, Men, Elves came from all over Middle Earth to see it. It drew them, it demanded their admiration and respect….”

“It took away the wisdom of kings,” Kili found himself saying, “It caused the deaths of far too many.”

Thorin’s lips tightened, “It’s Erebor’s greatest treasure. The evidence of our right over the Lonely Mountain.”

Kili stood up. He was tired, hungry, and scared. He should hold his tongue, but as always his emotion overcame him. Kili’s voice was cold in tightly restrained anger as he spoke, “It is our curse. No treasure is worthy of so much grief and suffering.”

He returned to his make-shift bed, leaving Thorin with his treasure. He watched Thorin stare at the stone for a while before turning his back to the sight. A long time later the light disappeared and they were plunged into darkness once more.

 

* * *

 

“It’s all your fault! You made this happen to us! You did it to us!” Fili yelled, his voice bouncing off the stones and deafening Kili, “You should have given them their gold! What is one twelfth of all the gold in Erebor! You should have given them what they wanted!”

Kili tried to hold his brother back from injuring Thorin. He was weak from hunger and lack of activity, but still he used the last of his strength to hold Fili’s arm. Before them Thorin sat with the box containing the Arkenstone in his hands, silent.

“No one should’ve died! We could be safe at home now! We could be in Ered Luin, living! What if Dain doesn’t come to release us? What if we remain his prisoner? What if he abandons us to our deaths in this forsaken tomb? What if we die because of your unreasonable purpose?” Fili stopped and suddenly fell to his knees, pulling Kili down with him. He sobbed, loud and heart-breaking. “I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want to go home. _I don’t want to die_.”

 

* * *

 

The nightmares came endlessly. Sometimes Kili saw the battlefield. The corpses of dwarfs, men, elves, and orcs were at his feet, surrounding him. He was alone, his allies gone, and an army of orcs ran toward him, screaming and brandishing their crude weapons. With a cry he broke the arrows embedded on his chest and thigh. Pain brought him to his knees but still he reached into his quiver and found it empty, then reached to his hips and found his sword gone, and the orcs were coming nearer and nearer and nearer…

The dragon cornered him. There were rough stones behind and around him. The sky was burning the dragon’s breath. The only escape was a narrow gap leading to a drop to his death. He shot arrow after arrow but they all bounced off the dragon’s scales. It laughed, cruel and deafening, and flew toward him, fire flickering around its mouth, its heat scorching his skin, melting his flesh.

The river came to visit. Strong current washed his barrel, pushing it against rocks, pulling it toward dangerous streams. He tried to hold on tight but his fingers were too cold to move. He looked around but he was alone, safe for remnants of broken barrels floating around him. A strong wave hit him and pulled him down. He tried to escape. He kicked and tried to reach air and sun, but the water was too strong. It pulled him down, down, down, and his lungs became heavy.

Other times the spiders came for him, chasing him. They were fast, too fast. He had lost his weapons along the way and his feet were tired. Spider webs slowed his progress and the monsters came close. Out of nowhere, a large spider appeared in front of him, blocking his way. He tried to escape, but its long leg pushed him to the ground easily as if he weighed nothing and his fight was no more than mild inconvenience. He was strong but the spider was far stronger. It loomed above him, mouth open and dripping with saliva and it bent closer to him.

Sometimes he dreamt of the Elven King’s jail, the small space where he was alone and barely alive. No one came to visit. No one would. He was weak and the loneliness tore his soul. He felt his spirit crumbled into ash. The silence was deafening, even fire wouldn’t crackle there, and he was abandoned, forgotten, left to die, killed by his misery far from sun and stone, suspended in bleak uncertainty.

The wargs pulled him down from the tree. He pushed their dangerous snouts and paws away but there were too many of them. He was pushed from one warg to another, each one leaving bloody marks on his body; not deep enough to kill, just enough to cause pain. He shouted and cried and bit his tongue so he wouldn’t beg. Somewhere not so far he heard blood-curdling screams of his company and he trembled in fear. A white warg pushed him down, its claws digging into his abdomen. He screamed as the other wargs descended upon him, their teeth bared hungrily.

The goblins captured him again. Their ugly faces pressed close to him. They laughed when he struggled in his bond. The goblin king smirked and shouted for a terrifying-sounding device. Kili tried to look brave but his heart shrank in fear. He felt sharp objects dug into various points of his body; stabbing, drilling, cutting, slicing, breaking. The pain spread and stabbed his bones and there was so much blood. His flesh was exposed and tortured and he screamed but no one cared.

A troll held him by a leg and laughed. He tried to punch it but his power was nothing compared to trolls. A large cauldron was above fire, the soup in it bubbling and emanating disgusting stench. When one of the trolls stirred it, he thought he saw what used to be a hand. He looked in alarm as another troll approached with a sharp bloody blade in hand. Behind the troll, he could see what seemed to be a pile of skin and clothes. His voice filled the forest as the troll carefully separated his skin from his flesh.

He was back in the tomb, but Fili and Thorin weren’t present and the tomb was smaller than he remembered. The small hole where air would enter and food was delivered was gone. Something cold wrapped around his neck but when he tried to remove it he found himself held immobile. Stone was pressing him from all sides and air was growing scarce. In panic, he gasped for breath, only to realize that by doing so his lungs become tighter. Yet he couldn’t stop, couldn’t help but desperately tried to absorb air into his body to help him move, to calm his nerves. The object on his neck became more restrictive. His eyes followed the source of the pressure and found his father-or what used to be his father-there. His father’s skin was falling off and he was grey in color. His lips were gone and so were his eyelids. Maggots and insects crawled out from his ears and nose as he drew himself closer to his son.

Kili woke, gasping and shivering. His dreams followed him, trying to take him back into those dark places. Kili fought to regulate his breath. His body was tense and cold and sweat covered him. When he could breathe freely again, he nearly wept when he was pulled back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Fili came to Kili eventually. He crawled into his make-shift bed and curled there, holding his brother. His hands were restless, touching Kili’s body and face as if to make sure that he really was there.

“It’s so cold,” Fili whispered urgently and indeed his fingers were freezing.

There was comfort in having a living body so close to him after so long of being deprived from any contact despite having two other dwarfs with him at all time. So, Kili arranged their blankets to cover them and lay as close as possible to Fili. He closed his eyes to savor the shaky breath caressing his skin and the thudding of heart against his palm. Kili wanted to cry.

“It’s so dark in here. So suffocating. So quiet. So cold. So… dead. I don’t want to die here,” Kili whispered, his voice uneven. “Will we leave this place and return to Ered Luin? Will we see mother again? Will we be home again?”

“I don’t know,” Fili said weakly.

Kili pressed closer to his brother and hoped that it was enough to comfort both him and Fili at least temporarily.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the ritual continued and Thorin grew ill, Kili wondered if he would survive the entombment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! Here's a not-so-dark chapter! I forgot to say that this fic follows the story line in the book rather than the movies (although the characters are influenced by the movies), or at least I try to follow it as faithfully as possible. So, don't expect any mention of Tauriel or Legolas. Also, in my document I divide this fic into three parts. This chapter is the end of part one.

The brothers spent time being close to each other. Sometimes Fili would rest his head on Kili’s lap, other times it was Kili who let Fili stroke his head in meager effort to comfort. They spoke rarely and only in hushed tones. They tried to talk about the world above them, but found it too despairing to hear and speak of. The only things they could say which didn’t hurt were their names. They would say each other’s names in various ways to convey words they could not say. Most of the times they only touched as they stared into darkness, trying not to count the passing seconds.

Kili combed Fili’s hair with his fingers. It was dirty and greasy from lack of wash and the dust gathering around them, but he didn’t care. There was no more braid in his hair, no more beads to hold hair together. Briefly Kili wondered how Fili looked under proper light. His brother had always taken good care of his looks, unlike himself, but now he was deprived of the ability to do so. Kili never thought that the simple act of braiding hair could be something to long for, but his fingers ached to do the routine.

As Fili slept Kili separated a lock of hair and braided it carefully. He was slow, his fingers too stiff for delicate actions, and his lack of proper skill didn’t help. He let go of the hair which ended far too early. He remembered Fili’s wince when his hair had been cut, how the loss of status and dignity had cut deeper than his injuries. Kili touched his own hair, which was quite a bit shorter than when he left for the quest, and swallowed thickly.

He was startled when he felt a hand on top of his head. He looked up and saw Thorin stood before him, shadow hiding his expression. Thorin watched the brothers quietly, then he stroked Kili’s head before bending down to do the same to Fili. His touch was lighter when he was caressing the older brother and he was quick to withdraw his hand. He stepped back to his side of the room, eyes downcast. Kili watched him for a while and when Thorin remained still, continued to caress his brother’s hair while staring at the dark ceiling and trying not to think of summer sun in Ered Luin.

 

* * *

 

The screaming started suddenly, awakening both Kili and Fili. For a moment Kili thought he was back in the battlefield, his uncle rallying his company forward as endless waves of orcs which came for their heads. But the cold dead air reminded him of where he was and he sat up, confused and scared.

Thorin was thrashing in his bedding, kicking and pushing away his blanket and growling at his imaginary enemies. Kili and Fili were by his side in an instant, shaking him in an attempt to wake him.

“Thorin! Thorin!” They called his name, but their voices seemed unable to penetrate the thick fog of dreams.

In desperation, Fili slapped Thorin’s cheek so hard Kili imagined he smelt blood in the air. The result was instant. Thorin opened his eyes and threw a punch blindly. It was only quick reflex on both Fili and Kili’s parts that saved them from injury. Kili pulled his brother back by the shoulder the moment he saw sign of impending violence just as Fili leaned away from Thorin.

All three dwarfs panted harshly. Kili still had his grip on Fili’s shoulder, uncertain whether to pull him to safety or not. Thorin was panting, his face hidden by his hair, his fists clenching and unclenching. Slowly, he looked up to his sister-sons, his expression raw. He reached out to them but then dropped his hand weakly.

“Fili, Kili,” He whispered, his voice cracking, seemingly incapable of further words.

 

* * *

 

Thorin screamed every time he tried to rest, clawing the walls and himself, bruising himself when he fought his dreams. When he wasn’t screaming, his eyes were empty and he would barely respond to Fili and Kili. More often than not the slight rise and fall of his abdomen was the only sign that he was alive.

Kili found himself infected by the mind-plague. He would wake up gulping air back into his water-filled lungs, hurting from the arrows and swords and blades stabbing and cutting and slicing him, skin incarcerated by dragon fire. Sometimes he woke up tightly clutching Fili, others he was awaken by Thorin’s screams, others still it was Fili who was gasping and clawing his skin that awakened him. Now more often than not when he was awake he thought the shadow moved, crawling toward him like the spiders in Mirkwood, eager to wrap their sticky webs around him and devour him.

“I’m tired.” Kili croaked out. His skin still tingled where his father had strangled him. His one pale eye had stared at him duly, his mouth was open to reveal no tongue and maggot-ridden cavity. Insects had crawled all over Kili, seeking openings so they could enter him, so they could eat him and tear him from inside. Kili had awoken pushing against Fili’s chest violently, the blond frantically calling his name.

“Sleep. I’m here,” Fili said. But Kili could hear exhaustion in his voice. He had fought to stay awake for so long, but they knew it was only a matter of time before he gave up, before his nightmare came haunting him.

Kili buried his face in his brother’s shoulder, trying to fight sleepiness. But Fili’s calming strokes on his back pulled him back to another restless sleep not long after, until Thorin’s scream once again filled the tomb, warding away old ghosts for a moment and creating new ones.

 

* * *

 

The nightmares plagued Thorin for so long, wearing him down until eventually he succumbed to it. Thorin burnt with fever. He tossed and turned and frowned as if he was in pain. In the rare times he was awake he was too delirious to speak clearly. Rules forbade them to speak with others, even to beg for medicines, so Kili sent back Thorin’s blanket which was soaked with cold sweat along with dirty dishes and the chamber pot, hoping their caretakers understood.

They sent back new blanket, but no medicine.

Kili and Fili took turn caring for Thorin. With no medicine, their only hope was keeping Thorin warm with their thin blankets and using their limited water supply to cool him. Food made him nauseous and any attempt to keep his stomach from being empty failed. His wakeful moments grew scarce and his coherency slipped away. With the persistence of the fever, Fili and Kili’s hope for recovery diminished.

Kili hid his face in his knees, tired but determined to stay awake. Fili had fallen asleep after his turn to watch over Thorin was over. He was now curled up on a corner, cold but not complaining. There was a frown on his face, and Kili knew he was facing the demons in his mind. They were dim now, they told each other when Thorin was asleep. Perhaps their concern over Thorin had pushed them away. It most likely would not last, however. They knew the ghosts would always be there, waiting for their chance to torture them again, waiting for an opportunity to make them succumb to their weaknesses.

Nevertheless, Kili wished he could join Fili because being the only one awake in the tiny space haunted his conscience too much. He forced himself to believe that it would be all right, that there were people who took care of them, that he would definitely eventually go home, but the words felt empty in his mind and he was on the verge of giving up, curling up and waiting until darkness and numbness took him away forever.

“The Arkenstone…” Thorin suddenly said as he woke up. He coughed as his throat was dry, so Kili helped him to drink. Water didn’t calm him, it seemed, and he looked around in something akin to panic. “The Arkenstone. Where is it?”

“It’s safe, Thorin,” Kili said as complacently as he could, “Sleep now. You must recover.”

But Thorin wouldn’t listen to him. He pushed away the layers of blanket covering him and tried to sit up despite his weak body. “The Arkenstone. I need to see it.”

Thorin gasped when Kili pulled him to lie down. The young dwarf placed his hands on Thorin’s shoulders, hovering over him to keep him from sitting up again. “Enough! It’s safe, Thorin!” He hissed, frustration lacing every letter of the words. “Haven’t you had enough of your infatuation with it? Haven’t you made enough suffer? Aren’t you satisfied yet or do you still want to hurt yourself and myself and Fili?”

Thorin stared at him, unmoving. He might not understand what Kili was speaking of, but Kili was too far gone to care. Keeping quiet was never his virtue and being forced to stay strong despite his pain in this tiny space strained his limited patience. He knew he deserved this punishment for not speaking up against Thorin when he announced war against those who were not his enemies, for not preventing unnecessary deaths, but he wasn’t prepared for how the entombment would ate his soul, how it would make him wish for swift death due to painful craving for what he used to have. He wasn’t prepared to face death. Not like this, trapped in a dark cell while atoning for the sins he was forced to commit instead of out there in a battlefield.

“Leave it be! Can’t you see what it has done to us? Or do you wish to extend the curse upon us?”

When Thorin spoke, his voice was quiet and his words slurred, “It’s my most valuable inheritance, my most valuable belonging.”

Kili released Thorin roughly, “Your precious stone has caused great grievance! It has stolen away your sensibility! It has taken you away from those you should lead and protect! From your family! Is it worth all of this, Thorin? Is it?” He demanded. When Thorin failed to respond, Kili took a deep breath to calm himself. He righted the blankets and returned to sit beside Thorin. He leaned on the wall and closed his eyes. “Please, sleep, Thorin.”

Thorin obeyed eventually but Kili couldn’t rest. He went to the corner where he had stored away the metal box and kicked it. It didn’t move nor make more than a dull thud and it hurt Kili’s bare foot more than it relieved his anger, so he kicked it again.

“It’s your fault. Everything is your fault.”

 

* * *

 

The fever persisted no matter what they tried to remove it. Fili and Kili dared not talk about it, but they both knew the source of fear in the looks they shared. They had read in ancient texts how the ritual often ended in death or madness. How some truly returned to the stone, unable to resist the call of death surrounding them. How some of those who managed to leave the tomb alive was afflicted with unseen demons they carried from under the earth surface. The ritual cleansed one of his sins but not for free, and the payment was often dire. Apparently Thorin had the most to pay.

He woke even rarer now and when he did, he spoke nonsense. He called his mother a few times and once engaged in a broken conversation with his grandfather. He referred to Fili a few times as his brother in-law and Kili as Frerin. In his sleep he looked for Thrain as he revisited the gory scene in Moria.

Kili bit his parched lip. Their daily ration of water was now mostly used to cool Thorin. He felt faint and had a fear that if he were to fall asleep he would not wake. Every now and then Kili would see that his sleeping brother was still breathing and he knew Fili did the same when Kili could not fight exhaustion any longer. A new image visited him in his sleep now, an image where he sat alone in the dark tomb, the rotting corpse of his brother and uncle around him, what was left of their eyes directed toward him accusingly.

Dutifully, Kili replaced the wet cloth on Thorin’s forehead. He licked his lips at the sound of water when he wrung the cloth and was barely able to contain himself from taking a sip. Instead, he focused on Thorin. His body radiated unnatural heat and in the coldness of the tomb, it felt like a furnace. Kili wanted to have a source of warmth, but not like this. He had said terrible things to Thorin, he had had uncharitable thoughts about Thorin, but he never wished to see his uncle suffered and withered away like this.

Kili caressed Thorin’s sweat-damp hair and leaned close to his ear. “Don’t leave us, Thorin,” He whispered, “Your subjects…” And Kili paused, reminding himself that Thorin was a king no more, that he had no more subjects. He shook his head sadly. “Your friends need you. Your family needs you. Fili and I need you. Please don’t leave us.”

Thorin didn’t respond. Kili didn’t know why he expected him to. Thorin’s fever burnt, but still Kili held his hand.

 

* * *

 

“Water.”

Kili woke up with a start from a dream of deep water. His mouth was dry and his throat parched. He had gulped the dirty water gratefully in his dream, barely caring of how it entered his lungs as he lately was in his dreams. He couldn’t find strength be to be scared anymore. There was only bleak acceptance that it was easier to welcome death when it came to collect him.

Kili was disoriented for a moment, but Fili’s frantic movements fully roused him. He saw Fili supporting Thorin’s head carefully as he helped him to drink. The king still appeared weak; he was barely able to lift his hand to hold the cup to his lips. Kili rushed to his side to help. When his hand brushed Thorin’s, he felt some of the fever had cooled although it was still far from normal temperature. Still, it was an improvement and Kili and Fili looked at each other in relief.

Thorin sighed when his thirst was quenched and rested his head on Fili’s lap. He opened his eyes with some difficulty and looked at his nephews. He blinked his eyes rapidly as if to focus his sight, then he smiled at Fili.

“Sister-son,” He greeted, recognizing the blond for who he was finally. Then his eyes traveled to Kili and he fell silent. “Kili,” He breathed after too long a pause. He swallowed, thick and loud in silence, “Forgive me,” He whispered before he fell back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Thorin’s recovery was slow but there was no need for rushing. Fili was near him at almost every moment. Thorin sought him every time he awoke and they would speak in hushed voices until Thorin fell back asleep. Kili would feel neglected if not for the look of contentment in his brother’s face. Whatever they had to share, if that brought peace to both of them, he would not intrude with curiosity and envy.

“Kili?” Fili whispered, patting Kili’s shoulder gently.

Kili rolled to his back to look at his brother in question. “Is anything wrong?” He asked, glancing at Thorin’s sleeping form. It was unusual for Fili to leave their uncle’s side voluntarily. Usually, Kili had to ask him to rest and promise to wake him should Thorin ask for him.

Fili shook his head, “I’m tired and my back aches. Can you watch over Thorin for a while?”

Kili nodded readily and sat up. He handed his blanket to Fili as Fili’s was used to keep Thorin warm. “Of course. Do take care of yourself. I’d rather not have both of you ill.”

Fili smiled and knocked his forehead against Kili’s softly. “You, too, Kili.”

It was the most they had talked to each other since they had been entombed, Kili realized later as he took Fili’s place by Thorin’s side. They even managed to smile, instead of sending haunted looks. It was not exactly the way they used to behave with each other, but it was the closest thing to normal since they were entombed. Kili sighed softly with a smile on his face. If he were to die in this tomb, at least he would die knowing his bond with his brother was still intact.

“Fili?” Thorin asked suddenly in a sleepy voice.

Kili patted Thorin’s searching hand. “He’s here. I’ll wake him,” He said as he got up.

However, Thorin shook his head. “No. Let him rest. He deserves it.”

Nodding in agreement, Kili sat back. “Do you need anything?”

Thorin breathed slowly, staring at the dark ceiling. When he finally spoke, it was as if his voice came from a distance. “The Arkenstone.”

Kili swallowed his disappointment and tried to speak softly, “It is safe, Thorin.”

Once again, Thorin shook his head. “That’s not what… The Arkenstone is-was my right. Thror and Thrain had longed for it every day since we left Erebor. They said it’s worth more than all the gold in Erebor and Ered Luin combined, not because of how much it could sell, but because of what it represented.”

Here, Thorin stopped as his voice grew so hoarse he could barely be heard. After he was helped to drink he continued.

“When Gandalf came to me bearing the news of the quest and later when he gave me the map and key, my mind immediately went to the Arkenstone. It was _the_ key to reclaiming Erebor. I was given the opportunity to finish what Thrain tried and failed to do. Lonely Mountain was no longer a sad tale or a distant dream and memory. It was within reach. I thought I could do it, and with each step we took toward the Lonely Mountain I became surer that I was meant to succeed.” Thorin paused, “They were right to doubt me. Like Thrain and Thror before me I was also cursed with the dragon sickness, and I lost to it.”

Kili frowned, “That’s not true.”

“It was true. I was blinded by my objective.”

“You just wanted to reclaim your home. It’s perfectly understandable,” Kili argued.

Despite still under the effects of his fever, Thorin’s gaze on Kili demanded truth, “But it is not your home, is it?”

For a moment, Kili thought of denying. He was of Durin line. Erebor was where he should be, where he should belong, where he would serve his kings. And yet… “No. Ered Luin is my home,” He admitted.

Thorin’s smile was tired and Kili could sense that his sickness was clouding his mind again. Still, the dwarf tried to speak, although his words were less clear than they had been before. “I thought I’d show you your birthright. Fili was supposed to rule this mountain one day and you would be by his side. I thought I’d show you the riches that once made us the most powerful of all dwarf lords.”

“We don’t need any riches,” Kili whispered, scared to say the truth out loud. “We never want it.”

“And yet I forced you to accept it.”

Kili smiled sadly. “Never mind that now. I do not blame you. I did, but not anymore. Now I wish only one thing: your recovery.”

Thorin blinked slowly then reached out to touch Kili’s hair. “You are always too kind,” He slurred. He stroked Kili’s cheek with his knuckles before dropping his hand. Exhausted, he immediately fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

At some point, Kili was plagued no more by nightmares. The darkness and death weren’t so threatening anymore, he found. And as much as he missed the warmth of the sun and the richness of colors, fleeting memories of those no longer hurt. He spoke more freely of Ered Luin, of things they had left behind. Only a little bitterness remained when he talked about his faraway home, of the dwarfs he had known, the life he had led. Kili longed for them, but he had accepted the possibility that he would meet his end in the tomb.

He sensed the same thing had dawned on Fili and Thorin. Their gazes were no longer filled with restlessness and pain. Their smiles were not forced. Their voices no longer strained. They no longer bothered to count the passing seconds. The door would open when or if it did.

Kili sat next to Fili, resting his head on the blonde’s shoulder. On Fili’s other side, Thorin was half-sitting, awake but quiet. Suddenly Thorin began to hum. It was a familiar tune, although Kili couldn’t quite place it. It didn’t sound as bleak as Misty Mountains or as joyful as tavern songs. It was soothing, just a gentle tune that swayed consciousness.

After a while, Kili joined Thorin in humming the song. He smiled and closed his eyes, relishing the peace that suddenly overcame him. At some point he must have fallen asleep because when he woke up he was laying between Thorin and Fili who were sound asleep, relishing in the warmth akin to the hearth of a home. Kili closed his eyes again and quietly hummed to himself.

 

* * *

 

The rocks came down one day.

It had been preceded many heavy footsteps and muted voices. Kili had been mildly curious but didn’t investigate, only watching the blocked entrance in wait. At the first sound of rock being moved, he was surprised. Had it been six full moons?

Fili seemed surprised as well, but Thorin remained impassive. Kili stood up now, wanting to see as the blockade was finally removed. There was dull excitement bubbling within him, but he reined it. There would be time for that later. If he could wait for six months, he could wait for this too.

The flame blinded Kili’s eyes. He looked away as his eyes, now too accustomed to darkness, adjusted to light again. When the light no longer hurt, Kili saw that there were three guards moving the stones with the help of metal tools. He thought of offering to help but then he looked at himself and realized how much weight he had lost. The muscles he had spent so many years strengthening were now a pale shadow of what they used to be. Kili didn’t think he could be much help when he wasn’t sure how he managed to remain standing.

When the final stone was removed, the guards moved away and Dain stepped into view. He smiled in relief when he saw his three relatives. “You have completed the cleansing ritual. Your mistakes have now died with you. You may now leave your tomb.”

Thorin stood up slowly then made his way to the exit. He stopped before Dain and bowed deeply, a gesture which was so unlike Thorin yet completely sincere. “Thank you.”

Dain clasped Thorin’s arm, straightening him, “I do what I must. Now come. I have prepared some things for your return.”

Kili and Fili who now stood behind Thorin gave Dain a smile, but Thorin seemed a little less enthused. He glanced back to the tomb, his gaze settling to a metal box in there. After a moment, he closed his eyes and turned back to Dain. “Very well.”

The path back to the Erebor was long and winding and their pace was slow. Kili could feel the change of the temperature as they moved up. There was warmth from the now active forges and noises of dwarves going about their duties. The smell of dust had disappeared, now replaced by the scent of plants, fire, and friendly earth. Kili eagerly drank in the colors around the hall they walked past, the richness of red velvet, the grandness of dark blue, the cheerfulness of yellow, the peacefulness of blue, the liveliness of green, and all other colors in between. He wondered if Dain had deliberately arranged this route to reintroduce them to something other than darkness.

They stopped at a large stone door and the guards came forward to open it. Dain sent a smile to them as the door was pulled open. It made no sound despite it being heavy, but that wasn’t at the forefront of Kili’s mind then. He was suddenly blasted by cool wind, warm sunlight, the scents of trees and flowers, and, more than anything, the brightness of the sun.

“Welcome back to Erebor,” Dain said as he led them to the balcony.

Kili, Fili, and Thorin followed him with slow steps. There were voices coming from below them and Kili could see some of the reconstructed city, but those didn’t really draw his attention. He looked up to the cloudless blue sky, searching. He sighed in contentment and smiled as he shielded his eyes from the glaring but friendly light of the sun.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now freed from their tomb, Kili, Fili, and Thorin must readjust with the world they had left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter requires many details. I hate details. So, well... Tell me what you think of it. For question and/or suggestion, find me on tumblr as [demonessryu](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com)

As soon as Kili, Fili, and Thorin walked into their room, they were greeted by Dis. The princess was clad in all black and her jewelries were removed to show that she was in mourning. Her complexion was pale and her eyes were red from crying. She seemed to have lost a bit of weight, as if she too had suffered along with them.

Dis embraced her sons tightly, sobbing into their shoulders. Kili and Fili held her, savoring the familiar warmth of home. No matter how long Kili was locked away, he would remember Dis. She was the one constant in his life. There was no ancient ritual which could change that.

“Let me look at you,” Dis said, leaning back to see her sons. She cupped their cheeks and looked back and forth between them. Her lips trembled as tears ran down her eyes again. “My lads…” She stopped, choking on her tears.

“We are all right, Mother.” Fili said, patting his mother’s back gently, “It’s all right.”

Dis gave them a shaky smile and kissed their foreheads. She then released her sons reluctantly and turned to Thorin. Unlike Fili and Kili, Thorin seemed far less enthusiastic to meet his sister, staying behind when the small family reunite. Now that he had Dis’s attention he looked at her quietly, as if unsure whether to expect an embrace or a slap.

“Thorin,” Dis finally said. She then pulled him into an embrace the way she had with her sons. Kili could see relief written all over Thorin’s face as he held his sister back, and smiled. Dis still cried when she released Thorin, but she hastily wiped her tears away. She tried to give them a proper smile as she gestured to the room. “Are you hungry? We have prepared a meal for you. Or would you rather have a bath first?”

On a table at the other side of the room were trays of food. From the scent of it, Kili believed those were their favorite meals. There were the tempting scents of roasted lamb and spices as well as sweet fruits in the air, reminding Kili that they hadn’t had their meal delivered today. However, after months of eating a meager meal once a day, Kili found himself not feeling very hungry.

“I’ll take a bath first if you don’t mind,” Thorin replied to Fili and Kili’s agreeing nods.

“Of course. Let me show you the way,” Dis said before leading them to a room with three beds-their new bedroom, apparently. There was a door on a far side of the wall, hidden by a wooden partition. When Dis opened it, Kili could hear the sound of running water. “Your clothes will be ready for you when you are finished with your bath,” Dis said before retreating from the room.

The bath wasn’t very large, but it contained a pool big enough to accommodate a handful of dwarfs. There was a mineral scent in the air. Perhaps it’s from the water itself or from the salt prepared at the side of the pool, Kili couldn’t tell. Steam hit Kili’s face the second he stepped into the room and he closed his eyes as his skin grew damp. Water was a very precious and limited commodity when they were entombed. The sight and feel of water nearly overwhelmed him with the childish urge to splash it around and soak until the warm water reached just under his chin.

Quietly, the dwarfs undressed and stepped into the water. Kili tried his best to ignore the scars which now littered his thin body and winced as he dipped his foot in. He had been so accustomed to cold that the temperature felt burning. He forced himself to bear it (he had survived a dragon, he reminded himself. A little heat would not harm him), lowering himself further until the water lapped his chest. Kili sighed as leaned back on the side of the pool. Absently he cupped some water then let it run down from his loose grasp, watching dazedly as it slipped through his fingers.

“Kili?”

Kili hummed distractedly, turning to face his brother. He blinked in surprise when water hit his face and scowled as Fili laughed. With a growl, Kili tackled his brother. They fought for the upper hand for a while before Fili managed to push Kili down.

For a fleeting moment the nightmare of drowning in a dirty river while surrounded by debris from broken barrels returned. Kili kicked around and reached up toward the surface of the water in panic. By accident, he poked Fili’s ticklish side and used the opportunity when his grip loosened to escape the grasp and pull Fili underwater. Kili resurfaced, eyes wide in fear, coughing out water as Fili sputtered.

Suddenly remembering that there was another dwarf with them, Kili turned to Thorin. The older dwarf watched them quietly, not very different from those first days in the tomb. Kili shivered and turned away from the sight. He pushed Fili down again when he reemerged with a curse, splashing hot water out of the pool.

 

* * *

 

Kili couldn’t sleep. Perhaps it had to do with being accustomed to not knowing the flow of time. It was late, he learnt from his mother, and it had surprised him a little that it was really was the time for sleep and not just his body being exhausted. There was a lot to relearn, Kili realized. He wondered how long it would take to be who he was before, or if it was possible at all.

The bed was comfortable-more comfortable than Kili remembered any bed could be. He had thought that he would immediately fall asleep the moment he hit the soft surface of the bed, but that didn’t happen. This felt strange, not right somehow. He spent hours staring at the shadows casted by the dancing fire in the fireplace. On the bed beside him, Fili didn’t seem to experience the same problem, sleeping soundly without a care in the world. Kili envied his brother’s ability to adapt to the change in environment when he was feeling disoriented with reintroduction to banalities.

Deciding that it was useless to try to sleep, Kili got up and dressed himself in a robe. He ignored how the fabrics of the robe and his clothes beneath were of better quality than what he had in the tomb yet of lower quality than what he was accustomed to before the entombment. He quietly left the room, not wanting to disturbed his brother. When he entered the sitting room, he expected to see Thorin as the dwarf hadn’t gone to bed, but he was nowhere in sight. The ember in the fireplace still glowed dimly, suggesting that Thorin had left only recently. Quiet as the ghost he now was, Kili left the room and entered the halls of Erebor.

Kili had only had a brief time exploring the kingdom when he first arrived there. Many paths had been blocked then and old precarious stones prevented him from venturing very far. He had mostly stayed at the vault, watching Thorin descend into madness as they prepared for battle. His memory of the halls of his ancestors was dim, mostly consisting of piles of old, burnt, dusty stones.

Erebor had completely transformed. Cracks on the stones had been repaired and destroyed rocks replaced. The walls and floor felt strong, no longer threatening to collapse at any given moment. The smell of smoke which Kili thought would last for decades had disappeared. It was no longer a dark, decrepit place; now it was lighted with candles and torches and as strong as the mountain. The flame and shadows showed the elaborate carvings on the wall and beautiful tapestries as well as golden objects which glowed under the slightest flicker of light. It was now a home to kings.

Kili’s feet led him to a balcony. Several guards looked at him curiously as he walked past them, but didn’t stop him. In the past he would try to start a conversation with others, but now Kili found it difficult to speak up. He avoided their way and walked in the shadows, led by the night breeze until he reached a quiet balcony.

The town was quiet beneath them. Faint glimmers of fireflies on the rooftops looked like stars in endless night sky. The wind whispered a wordless song to Kili’s ears. When he looked up, he saw the moon, partly hidden behind a cloud, its soft light giving all it touched serenity and for a moment Kili felt as if he was floating in the dark abyss of the sky.

All of a sudden Kili realized he wasn’t alone. Thorin leaned against a pillar in Kili’s right, quiet as a statue, watchful as a guardian.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you,” Kili said in apology, starting to step back to take his leave.

Thorin didn’t acknowledge him as he spoke, “I was here when Smaug attacked.”

Kili stilled. Thorin was looking at the north sky, he noticed, as if waiting for the dragon to return and once again destroy his home. “Were you?”

“When Smaug came, the wind howled, blowing away many things in his path. The screams came first, then the warning bell. Then there came the sounds of buildings collapsing, fire burning, and pained screams.” Thorin paused. He blinked slowly as if he just woke up from a dream. “He came through the front gate. We barred it and sent soldiers to guard it. He broke it as if it was a piece of pottery. Our weapons were useless against his scales. I attacked him, but he didn’t even bother to look. I fell down and his talon…” Thorin stopped for a moment, “I was certain I would die there, flattened by his massive foot, ripped open by his talons, or incarcerated by his fire like so many soldiers around me. Then someone pushed me out of the way. I don’t know who, but I remember the horrible sound as Smaug crushed him.”

In the past, Kili had heard many stories of that fateful day. His mother had been too young and was immediately taken away. She had witnessed the destruction from afar, crying with worry over her family. Balin had stayed behind, helping others escape and refusing to leave until he was certain his king was safe. He had escaped behind Thorin, injured but alive. For so long he had sought his mother, but all he discovered was the story of the elderly dwarf lady, running in terror as the city burnt and collapsed around her. Dori had been trapped in his collapsing house, fire crawling toward him. He was screaming and crying when his father dug him up with his bare hands and rescued him. Then just as he was handed to his mother, the roof collapsed, and he never saw his father again. Oin had stayed behind to tend the injured, but there were so many of them and he didn’t have enough medication for all of them. He was urged to leave as the refugee was short on healers and was forced to abandon his station as his patients cried in agony behind him, begging him to stay, begging him to heal them. Dwalin and Gloin fought side by side, waiting for the dragon at the front gate. They witnessed Smaug burst through the door, stepping on helpless dwarfs and consuming those who dared to come near him. They survived, but carried the screams of those who couldn’t pass the gate in their memory forever.

Thorin barely spoke of that day. His eyes hardened when others spoke of it as his temper flared. Kili knew to stay away from him on those occasions. Thorin could be difficult to handle on a daily basis, but during those times, he was even more so. It helped that Kili knew he didn’t to hurt anyone, but it didn’t lessen the stings of his words and actions.

“For so long,” Thorin continued, “I dreamt of that day. Every night I would see fire and blood. Every night I relived it, or maybe I imagined some of it. I can’t be certain anymore.”

Carefully, Kili approached Thorin. He kept some distance between them, not wanting to disturb him while trying to show his support. “Do you still dream of it?”

“I hadn’t for many decades, but it came back to me in the tomb,” Thorin admitted.

Kili recalled the echoing screams and wondered how many times it had happened in the past when no one could hear it. Had there ever been anyone to comfort him? Had he been trapped in the nightmare the way he had been in the tomb?

Thorin closed his eyes as if to block those memories from his mind. When he reopened his eyes, he turned to Kili. “It’s late. You should sleep.”

“I can’t sleep,” Kili replied, shaking his head. “And you, too, should sleep.”

The look Thorin sent him was tinged with some amusement. He patted Kili’s shoulder. “Very well,” He said. He gestured for Kili to follow him and made his way back to their rooms. He did so with certainty, knowing every turn in the dark and taking a few shortcuts Kili didn’t know, as if he had never left Erebor even for a day.

Fili was still asleep when they returned. With a quiet sigh Kili removed his outer robe, and returned to the cold bed. He blinked in surprise when Thorin sat on his bed. The older dwarf leaned his back on the headboard and patted Kili’s head when he stared.

Kili recognized the tune Thorin hummed as the one he had used to lull him and Fili to sleep in the tomb. He immediately relaxed and closed his eyes. It took mere minutes for him to fall asleep, the wordless song accompanying him in his dreams. When he woke, Thorin was sleeping on his own bed, a light frown adorning his face. Kili watched him, humming the tune for him softly.

 

* * *

 

The night stroll became a habit. Thorin never came to the bedroom when Fili decided that he was tired and Kili would try to put himself to sleep by listening to his brother’s deep breaths before abandoning the attempt in order to find his silent company.

The guards had come to expect them there, Kili assumed. Now he barely saw any guard patrolling the halls and they were scarce around the balcony. Kili would say thank you to them, but he find himself speechless in the presence of those not his family.

He and Thorin didn’t talk much when they were alone, but the silence was far from uncomfortable. It felt comforting to share a moment with someone who understood (or so Kili liked to think), rather than pretending to feel anything he didn’t feel. When Thorin spoke, he usually told history of the mountain, the many kings before his grandfather whom Kili only knew by name, the secret rooms made for special intents, the symbols hidden in the decorations, the meaning behind ancient rituals, and so forth. When he grew tired of speaking he would lead Kili back to their rooms and sing him to sleep. A few times, dreams stubbornly eluded Kili and Thorin stopped singing. They lay together side by side till dawn, staring into the darkness as if still waiting for their freedom.

 

* * *

 

In the days that followed, Dis wouldn’t leave them alone. She forced them to eat plate after plate of delicious food as well as herbs and medicines she claimed to have the power to revitalize. They had tried to argue in the beginning, but soon came to accept that Dis wouldn’t leave them be unless they did as she said. Kili also noticed that Dis would only eat whenever they ate and forgo eating when even one of them refused the meal. Her condition wasn’t as bad as theirs, but she had also been weakened and Kili would rather not have her health deteriorate.

“I can’t eat anymore,” Fili declared, pushing away his empty plate. It had been his fifth plate of the morning which, regardless of his state of fullness, he had finished earlier than Thorin and Kili.

“But there’s still plenty to eat!” Dis argued, gesturing to the table where more than half of the dishes remained. She patted Fili’s arm. “And look how thin you are! You have to regain your weight!”

 Fili shook his head. “Anymore and I will be like Bombur, Mother. There is nothing wrong with it, of course,” Fili added quickly, “But great shape doesn’t necessarily translate to strength, which is quite important.”

 “Well, if you’re so concerned about getting weak, you could go to the barrack to practice.” Dis said, unwilling to easily concede.

The three dwarfs stilled at the suggestion. Fili said no more, fiddling with his spoon as he waited for Thorin and Kili to finish their meal. Their weapons were never returned, possibly destroyed along with their possessions which bore the symbols of who they used to be, and they were never offered replacement. Kili knew what this meant: they were warriors no more, the barrack is no longer their place. But what were they now?

 

* * *

 

Dwalin was the first to visit them. Perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise, seeing as he was a close friend of Thorin and Kili and Fili’s teacher, but somehow Kili was surprised to see him at the door. The warrior looked the way he had always been, only with a few new scars and fresh tattoos on his body. He patted Kili and Fili’s back when he saw them, but when he faced Thorin he only gave a silent nod.

“Balin left for Moria with Oin and Ori,” He said without being asked. Dis had asked him to join lunch before she left, but he didn’t touch any dish on the table, and neither did the other three dwarfs. “He is assigned to preside over the mine.”

“Moria,” Thorin repeated, a strange tone in his voice. “Are you not going with him?”

To others this might seem like a dismissal, but Dwalin had known Thorin for decades and took no offense. The warrior shook his head, “I’ve decided to stay to help Dain. There’s much work to do here, especially with the security, seeing as settlers have started to arrive.”

Thorin looked as if he wanted to say something but then changed his mind. “How are the others?”

“Bofur, Bombur, Bifur, and Dori have decided to stay. Nori has taken to wandering again and Gloin has returned to Ered Luin to take his wife and son here and the Hobbit has also returned to his home.”

“Are they well?” Thorin asked.

Dwalin’s answer was hesitant, “They were injured but they have mostly recovered.”

Mostly? Kili and Fili glanced at each other. They weren’t given time to see their company before the ritual started. Kili knew they were injured. During the battle he had seen glimpses of them, injured but determined to survive and protect what they came to reclaim. He wasn’t entirely sure, however, of the extent of their injuries. Were they that terrible?

“You should see them some time,” Dwalin suggested.

Thorin nodded but something told Kili that this was unlikely to happen soon. “I will.”

Dwalin seemed to be a little dissatisfied with the reply but said nothing of it. They lapsed into brief silence before he spoke again. “And you?” He asked, referring to Fili and Kili also but only looking at Thorin. “What will you do? Will you return to Ered Luin or will you stay?”

Kili and Fili trained their eyes on Thorin. For all their talks about their home, they never spoke of the possibility of returning there. If they were required here, they might have to stay because while Erebor was not theirs to rule, it was still their ancestors’ homes and blood is blood, even when royal rights had been taken away. Yet Erebor wasn’t their home. It would never be. Kili knew his longing for Ered Luin was echoed by his brother. He’s seen it in the wistful look in his eyes, the smile when he was left to his own thoughts. But what about Thorin?

Thorin avoided their eyes, thoughtful but quiet. He didn’t reply Dwalin until he left.

 

* * *

 

Fili was the first to leave their rooms. He finished breakfast one morning and left. He hesitated before he stepped out, glancing at Kili and Thorin, but then steeled himself and departed. Kili wasn’t able to finish his breakfast that morning and disappeared into their bedroom until Fili returned, smelling of sun and fresh grass.

When the blond left again the next day Kili was somewhat more prepared, although he still only managed to keep himself busy in the sitting room for a while before burying himself under Fili’s blanket. Fili left for far too long for Kili’s taste. When he did return, he slipped under the blanket with Kili and lay next to him until their mother called them for dinner.

Dis followed Kili on the third day. She sat beside her son, caressing his hair gently even though he made no acknowledgment of her presence or show that her presence was welcomed.

“Aren’t you going to follow Fili?” Dis asked softly.

Kili blinked and burrowed his face deeper into Fili’s bed. Something about the scent was different. It no longer only smelt like cold old stones and earth. There were new aromas mixed in now. There were the scents of grasses, sun, ash, wood, and even some ale. It smelt something like a home. Longing tugged at his heart but fear overcame it.

When Kili wouldn’t reply, Dis didn’t press. She stayed a moment more before leaving Kili alone. Hours later Fili returned, sat next to him, and put a small bead in his hand. When Kili turned to look at him, he saw a small braid hidden beneath golden hair, held together by a crudely-made iron bead. He could not return Fili’s smile.

 

* * *

 

Dis and Fili brought (bought?) beads for them. It was impossible not to notice the lack of inscriptions of their names and the fact that the beads were not made of mithril, silver, or gold. They were beautiful in their own way-they certainly were beautiful adorning Fili’s still too short hair and beard-but Kili only inspected them briefly before retreating to another side of the room near Thorin. He watched Dis undo Fili’s braid and brush his hair with comb dipped in oil. Kili had to look away when she began braiding his brother, his fingers twitching slightly with longing to perform the task. It was difficult to see Dis forego hair clasp at the back of Fili’s head, the customary accessory of a prince. Kili felt naked without the weight of metal pulling his hair, but what was the use of braids, beads, and hair clasps for those who had no name, no history, no life?

Fili didn’t force Kili to do anything. Instead, he began by combing Kili’s hair with his fingers in the mornings before he left. When Kili grew relaxed, he began using Dis’s comb. The fragrant smell of hair oil calmed Kili, reminding him of leisure times he used to spend doing Fili’s hair or allowing Fili to attempt to braid his hair. He fell asleep a few times while having his hair brushed, the soothing up and down motions of Fili’s hand brought him to sleep. Later, Fili braided his hair but left the braids unsecured so they quickly fell apart. Kili touched them, curious and scared, and held them to keep them for a while.

One day, when Dis had finished with Fili’s hair, Kili came to them with a plain bead, something he picked in random while watching his mother and brother. “Can you help me?” He asked.

Dis and Fili brushed his hair to silkiness. Fili’s dexterous fingers separated some hair from one side of his head and braid it. Having Fili and Dis tending his wild hair was familiar, but Kili found himself restless this time. Thorin’s eyes burnt his skin, and he locked his gaze to the floor.

 

* * *

 

That night, as usual, Kili couldn’t sleep. But this time his body was frozen and he could not leave his bed. The small bead felt heavy against his neck, its unfamiliar tug on his hair reminded him of the past when he refused beaded braids other than the princely hair clasp, its coldness stabbed deep into his skin. He closed his eyes to force himself to sleep, but he kept opening them again to watch Thorin’s empty bed.

Kili stiffened when he heard Thorin coming into the room. He closed his eyes tightly and regulated his breaths, trying to feign deep slumber. However, Thorin wasn’t easily fooled. Kili could sense him standing at the foot of his bed for a long time. When he stood at the side of his bed, Kili reluctantly opened his eyes.

Thorin’s expression was as closed as it used to be in the tomb and Kili shivered at the reminder. He swallowed thickly when the older dwarf touched his small braid. Fear and guilt urged him to roll away, but he resisted them.

“It looks good,” Thorin said quietly with a gruff voice.

Kili blinked. “You aren’t upset?” He asked carefully.

Thorin tilted his head. His fingers reheated Kili’s skin where it had been freezing just moments earlier. “Why should I?”

“I thought…” Kili stopped himself before he spoke too much. He shifted back to leave room for Thorin on his side. He smiled lightly when the dwarf assumed his usual position. Kili closed his eyes with a sigh when Thorin stroke his hair. No song was sung that night but Kili slept well.

 

* * *

 

The day Fili came back early from his wandering, Kili knew something had happened. He gave Thorin and Dis a quick glance before following Fili to their bedroom. He didn’t know what to expect then, but seeing the blond sitting quietly on the bed wasn’t something he thought he’d see. After carefully closing the door behind him, he sat by his brother’s side.

“What’s wrong?”

At first Fili wouldn’t answer, lost in thoughts. When Kili asked him a second time, he spoke with a voice filled with confusion and fear and excitement, “They talked to me.”

“Who?”

Fili shook his head, “I don’t know their names. A couple of dwarfs I met in the forge,” Fili said loudly, turning to Kili with wide eyes. “I think they know who I was but still they talked to me! Like I’m alive, Kili! Like I’m not a ghost!”

A burst of excitement filled Kili’s chest. “Did they?” He asked nervously.

Fili nodded almost violently. He smiled widely, overjoyed, and grabbed Kili’s arm. “They did! They talked to _me_!”

 

* * *

 

It was inevitable that Kili would join Fili’s exploration after that development. He hesitated a little more than when Fili had first left their rooms but when Fili tugged his hand, he could not resist.

Erebor was different during the day. It was not a space haunted by past glory and grief, it was a palace, a center of power. Guards and maids passed them by when they explored the halls, returning their hesitant smiles without even a second of doubt. There was a constant hum of conversation in the air, although sometimes Kili couldn’t see who was speaking. The way the mountain was carved must have enable whispers of conversations to be carried to some distance, he thought. He didn’t remember Thorin’s Hall having the same effect, he certainly didn’t remember Thorin’s Hall being enveloped by so much liveliness.

Fili led him away from the part which housed the king and his family. Kili knew this because once Thorin took him past it briefly before the sight of tighter security drove them away. He didn’t mind, as curious as he was. He imagined it wasn’t very different from what he used to see in Ered Luin: large rooms with tall ceilings and impressive-looking furniture and decorations, only perhaps with some more precious metals added. No, Kili didn’t care about those at all.

“I want to see what’s outside,” He demanded.

“Patience, Kili,” Fili replied, squeezing his hand.

No one greeted them but no one stopped them, either. Perhaps that’s because they were walking so fast, or perhaps because of the excitement in their laughter, but certainly not because of who they were not and who they used to be. The thought made Kili giddy and he understood now why Fili had been leaving every morning and returned just before dark.

They didn’t leave through the massive front gate. Instead, Fili took Kili past a smaller door. Kili’s curiosity was piqued by the sound of lives nearby, but he was more drawn to the light he could see waiting beyond the door.

The sunlight was blinding. The fresh air filling his lungs was overwhelming. The feel of wind caressing his skin was comforting. Kili realized he forgot to breathe because his lungs soon burnt. Fili laughed and pulled him to sit under a nearby tree where they could still have sight of the rebuilt city.

Kili stared wide-eyed at the distant city of Dale. He could see various races interacting peacefully with each other. There was no animosity between them, as if there hadn’t been a battle on that very place less than a year ago, as if this location hadn’t been covered with the corpse of dwarfs, elves, men, and orcs alike.

“It’s quite amazing, isn’t it?” Fili said with a grin.

Not being able to answer, Kili only nodded. He had succeeded. This might not be the outcome Thorin had hoped for when they set out for Erebor, but Kili felt they had succeeded. They had made Erebor into a home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that young Thorin, Thrain, Fili, and Kili wear hair clasps, so I came up with the idea that it's a special do for princes. Next chapter will be shorter than this so hopefully I can upload it soon, provided that my boss doesn't try to kill me with work.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they gained courage to leave their rooms, Kili, Fili, and Thorin started to build their new lives. But, things aren't so easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the delay. It's been a very busy month at work and unfortunately it seems like it will continue to be so next month, so I apologize in advance. Please direct all complaints to my boss. Anyway, I mentioned last chapter that this chapter was short. Yeah, well, I wasn't satisfied with the draft so I added 3 sections, so now it's pretty long. I also edited this chapter after I received my copy of DoS art and design book so the descriptions of Dale was taken from there.

In the beginning Kili followed Fili everywhere. The blond was more at ease with himself and their situation than Kili, conversing with dwarfs of Erebor as if he had been a part of them all his life. He was right when he said most of them didn’t judge them, although the curiosity in the eyes said that they knew who they were. Nevertheless, Kili started by hiding behind his brother’s back, observing quietly like he used to when he was a mere child and Fili was his brave protector.

It was more difficult whenever Kili met someone he used to know. Some looked away in disdain when he came to view, because the dwarf they had known had died for Thorin’s cause. Others were polite but kept their distance, treating him as a stranger they didn’t wish to know better. Very rare did dwarfs welcomed his greeting, open for reconciliation of friendship. It saddened Kili that good relationships ended, but he there was nothing he could do. Many who survived the entombment returned to the surface nameless, penniless, and friendless, abandoned by those who once cared to wither away in isolation. Kili was very lucky that some, such as Dis,Dain and Dwalin, still treated him well when they were quite within their right to sever all ties with him, Fili, and Thorin.

With time, Kili gained the confidence to explore alone. Like Fili, he preferred being outside the mountain rather than inside. No matter how high and large the halls of Erebor were, they were no match to limitless sky and the expanse of Middle Earth.

Dale especially attracted him. It was no longer the grey ruins he remembered, but an actual city. There were bursts of color everywhere, offsetting the pale rebuilt walls, hiding the scars from the bloody past. They were in the garments worn by the citizens, the paint on the decorations, the little oddities in the market stalls, and the plants in the park in the middle of the mountain city. It still looked lonely, standing on the quiet cliff, overlooking the mostly barren land where once grass and trees grew, but hopefully not for much longer. Life had spread from the heart of the once-lost kingdom. It’s only a matter of time before it reached all corners of Middle Earth.

Indeed, the time which once stopped in the Lonely Mountain had moved again. Past was there to stay, but future came and people welcome it with open arms. The desolation had lasted far too long. It was time to move on and fully, truly reclaim Erebor from the enemy.

* * *

They decided to move out of the beautiful rooms Dain had provided for them. It was better to distance themselves from the current king whom they knew had raised eyebrows by providing housing for them. Fili and Kili had started to look for affordable new place they could live in among the people of Erebor, but Dis insisted on keeping them nearby, not willing to let them too far out of her sight where grief might drive people into drastic measures. After a lengthy argument, they finally agreed on moving to a smaller apartment near the serfs area. It was still far too close for Thorin’s liking, but when even Dain supported Dis, he couldn’t refuse. Still, this was a first step toward being independent from the line of Durin where they no longer belonged. Nevertheless, Kili still didn’t expect the logical step that came after it.

When one day Fili found a job as a lowly worker at the royal smithy, Kili was surprised. They had never worked a day in their lives. They had been princes and warriors. They had dealt with politics, culture, and battles but they never had actual occupation. And why should they? They had had everything they needed and more, and their futures were more of less secure.

Things were different now, of course. They no longer had any right over the royal treasury and the futures they had ignored (or at least Kili had ignored it. Fili, he knew, always had his anxious eyes on the future, although a future not like what they’re currently facing) now loomed. Dain had been kind enough to provide them with their needs, but they couldn’t depend on him for everything. It’s time for them to learn to be a common dwarf. Which was not that bad, all things considered. Its uncertainty was daunting, they had no more safety net to catch them if they fell, destruction eagerly awaited their missteps. Yet it would be mistakes they made in achieving their true passions that might bring them to ruin, not mistakes made in attempts to please others. Grueling hard work that they faced could not possibly be harder to bear than silent suffering as they fought to fulfill expectations. Life wouldn’t be easy, but when had it ever been? Rather than lamenting the loss of privileges, wasn’t it better to celebrate the gift of choices?

However it wasn’t as easy for Kili to find work as nothing truly interested him. Fili had taken apprentice at Thorin’s forge in the past and Kili knew he secretly loved the heat blasting him and the force and care he had to employ to shape metals far more than the discussions of politics of Middle Earth. Kili didn’t quite share his brother’s interest in metalwork. His interest had always lay elsewhere, in running in the wild to hunt animals, in being free form the stifling weight of stones around him.

Unfortunately, hunting works were still scarce in Erebor. The forest which Smaug had destroyed just recently started to regrow, animals hadn’t returned from where they had been banished by fear of the dragon. Kili was tempted to travel to further areas in search of game but the look of worry on Dis and Fili’s faces when he mentioned it made him reconsider. So, Kili continued to do what menial labors he could find in the town and, occasionally, under the mountain. When he couldn’t find work, he would wander in the market, seeing the limited products for sale and listening to the traders’ plans and predictions. He was paid with meager meal and a silver coin or two (always less than even the more inexperienced worker, but Kili couldn’t complain), but he wouldn’t trade it for the stories of his fellow workers, their dreams for Erebor and their determination to return it to its former glory, dreams he didn’t quite share but he celebrated nonetheless.

Often he returned to his apartment covered in dirt, tired but happy. He would laugh when Dis nagged him and argued with Fili over dinner. Sometimes he saw Thorin watching them thoughtfully and considered asking Thorin to join his exploration the next day. Every time he silenced his mind. Thorin would leave their rooms when he was ready-asking him would only aggravate him. It’s better to wait. After all, they had not much else to look rush for.

* * *

One night Kili lay on his bed and couldn’t keep his eyes open, exhaustion weighing his eyelids and limbs down. Soft bed and warm blanket made it further impossible to resist sleep. For the first time in far too long, memories and nightmares didn’t plague his mind and he succumbed to a blissful rest.

Kili woke up past midnight with a start. Fili was snoring softly in the bed beside his, but Thorin’s bed was still untouched. It was hard to be hasty but quiet as he left the room, but Kili managed to do so without waking his brother. It was only once he was in the darkened hall outside of the room that he dared to make more noise, his heavy footsteps echoing off the walls and the whispers of his clothes too loud in his ears. Guards looked at him in surprise when he passed them, but Kili ignored them in his rush. He found Thorin on the same balcony they had spent many sleepless nights in, watching the sleeping Dale in silence.

“Forgive me. I overslept,” Kili apologized to announce his arrival. In his haste, he had forgotten to put on a robe and the cold mountain air hit his body, making him shiver. He gritted his teeth and bore it quietly.

“There is nothing to apologize for,” Thorin said, more calmly than Kili expected. Kili ought to be relieved, but there was something distant in Thorin’s eyes that he didn’t like. He stepped closer to the taller dwarf, stealing some of his warmth and hoping to keep invisible distance from separating them again. “You were tired, weren’t you?”

“I was, but…”

“Kili,” Thorin interrupted, “You aren’t obligated to accompany me. You have done that enough.”

Kili lips twisted grimly. “I did what I had to,” He said quietly.

Thorin nodded. “Indeed. You shouldn’t have, however.”

Kili wished he could deny that, relieve Thorin of some of the burden of grief. But they had spent six months in the tomb. How was he supposed to refute the fact that his and Fili’s loyalty to their kin had turned them away from the option of stopping Thorin before everything went too far? Kili could only close his eyes when Thorin patted his shoulder.

“Let’s go back. You’re still tired, aren’t you?”

Silence prevailed until they were in the warmth of their room, but Kili didn’t welcome this silence. He clutched the fabric of Thorin’s clothes when they lay side by side on his bed. Despite his best effort to stay awake, he fell asleep all too quickly, lulled by Thorin’s familiar warmth. When he woke up the next day, Thorin had moved to his own bed, sleeping peacefully. Kili didn’t realize how much disappointment could weigh down a heart.

* * *

Kili tried to stay awake at night or wake up before midnight, so he could accompany Thorin. Sometimes he succeeded in coming on time. Most of the times he slept till morning and awoke to the sight of Thorin asleep in his own bed. His apology wasn’t demanded just as his presence wasn’t required. The rejection hurt more than any injury Kili had endured.

One night Kili left his room only to find Thorin sitting in front of the fireplace in the sitting room. He stood up when he saw Kili, expression unreadable in the near darkness of the room.

“Go back to bed,” He said before leading Kili back to their room.

As usual, he lay beside Kili, staring into the darkness. His hand just brushed against Kili’s as he quietly hummed the familiar tune for them. Unable to resist, Kili fell into a restless sleep. He woke up perhaps half an hour later, eyes wide open and fully awake. He heard a soft noise of the door being closed. The spot beside him on the bed suddenly felt too large and too empty and grew cold far too quickly. Kili buried his face in his pillow and bit his lip. He knew what this meant: Thorin didn’t need his company anymore.

* * *

It wasn’t the first time Kili had kissed a lass. He left a number of former flames in Ered Luin, although now he wondered if they had been more interested in who he had been rather than who he really was. This time it was different, however. He barely caught the lass’s name although he had seen and talked to her a few times before, and instead of in the privacy of his room, they were pressed against the wall of one of Erebor’s many dark corners.

Kili was surprised how quickly his desire flared. Even before he pinned the lass to the wall he ached for release. Not even the sound of people walking nearby could dampen his arousal. He plundered her mouth hungrily, as if his life depended on it. His hands shook in his haste to touch soft skin. He might have been a touch too careless with his teeth because she gasped when he sucked a mark on her fair neck.

Her legs were around his hips and her skirt pooled on her lap when boisterous laughter and loud footsteps penetrated the thick mist in Kili’s brain. He released her in a hurry and they parted wordlessly while trying to make themselves look presentable. Kili was grateful that his tunic was long enough to hide the state of his arousal. But his need couldn’t be sent away with displeasing thoughts; it was a pressing desire, nearly painful in its intensity; it occupied his mind until there was little room for anything else but release. His skin prickled with heightened sensitivity and his body tensed with desperation for satisfaction. In a way he was grateful for the interruption because he wasn’t certain he could last very long had he gone through with the lass.

Kili managed to evade attention as he rushed back to his room. Dis wasn’t present when he returned, but Thorin was reading a book by the candles. He looked up in surprise when Kili entered noisily and opened his mouth to reprimand. However, Kili left before he could speak.

The bath wasn’t as private as Kili liked as it had no lock and his voice could echo if he was too loud, but there was nowhere else for him to go. He leaned against the door to keep it closed as he tended to his need quickly. He had no mood for teasing, only for relief.

The familiar touch of his hand was shockingly good. Kili was briefly taken back to many decades prior when he first discovered physical pleasure by way of his own touch, when he had no control or will to savor. He bit his lip as he worked on himself, smearing pre-ejaculation with his thumb and twisting his grip just so. He thrust into his grip, a shadow of another’s heat, as he took those last few steps to the peak. Despite his effort, his moan still echoed in the chamber as he came desperately on his hand.

Kili slid down to sit on the floor, his legs unable to support him anymore. He was weakened by pleasure yet he could feel himself still ready for more. With a groan, Kili hit the back of his head against the solid door. This would be embarrassing to explain.

* * *

Fortunately Thorin never asked although Kili was sure his prolonged stay in the bath as well as his voice which must have drifted out of the chamber had given away his condition. For once he was grateful that since the end of their nocturnal habit, they had spoken less to each other.

Meanwhile, Fili remained oblivious and Kili intended to keep him that way, as he was not so keen on being teased mercilessly. He did wonder why the same desperation never occurred to Fili since he was also entrapped under the mountain. While the blond had greater degree of self-possession than Kili, lust suppressed for so long rarely bent to the will on the mind, no matter how strong. Did he not miss the sensation of being joined with another? Kili had his answer a few days later when he caught the blond exiting a quiet alley in Dale with the lass Kili had rather intimately acquainted.

Fili had the grace to flush in embarrassment but otherwise stayed calm. Kili only frowned at the mortified lass, very grateful now for the interruption the other day. She ran away wordlessly, her face burning.

“Did you really just do that?” Kili asked, amused and disturbed at the same time.

Fili shrugged and led Kili to the market. He produced a few coins from a hidden pouch and showed them to Kili. “Would you like some ale?”

“Of course, if you’re paying,” Kili said with a grin. It’s probably an attempt to change the topic or a bribe, but Kili didn’t care. It had been too long since he had a moment of fun with his brother. They were both busy in the morning and barely able to stay awake for long at night. In truth, he rather missed they days when they spent hours together, sharing tales and thoughts. So, Kili quickly found himself in a corner of a small tavern minutes later, a tankard full of ale in his hand. “Mother and Thorin will not be pleased,” He warned, after Fili told him how he came to know this particular tavern and how it compared to other taverns in terms of ale, atmosphere and maids.

“They won’t if they know,” Fili said, giving Kili a look that clearly challenged him to tell their elders. Kili wouldn’t do that, of course, and he knew it. “Also, they shouldn’t be so worried anymore. We have no name to protect now. No responsibility. Why would this matter?”

It wouldn’t matter anymore, Kili realized with a start. It wasn’t only the ability to choose occupations that they had gained. They were now free to behave as they pleased. There was no need to keep a front, to hide inappropriateness, anymore. No longer were they under close scrutiny, as what was at stake was now only their own future and no one else’s. Kili watched Fili greet other patrons and finish his drink noisily, trying to remember the last time he had seen his brother so carefree. Fili’s smiles were wider, his eyes brighter, his posture more relaxed, the words he spoke were no longer carefully arranged and rehearsed thrice in his mind. Kili ought to feel as relieved, as grateful that his already-light burden was now even lighter. Yet, somehow, although he smiled, the ale tasted bitter on his tongue.

* * *

It was daunting sometimes to explore Erebor alone. It was a massive place with many interconnecting halls, dead ends, traps, secret chambers, and other things yet to be known, and it’s still growing! Kili had heard of plans to expand some wings to accommodate the expected arrivals of more dwarfs from other regions, although they were currently focusing on renovating some structures which had grown weak after many decades without proper maintenance. He had heard of many stories of dwarfs being lost in the maze-like kingdom, wandering around in circles and coming too close to mortal danger until guards found them.

He understood why Dwalin said he was needed there. The speed of the development of Erebor and Dale meant the risk factors also increased. New regulations on security were established and revised constantly to accommodate the needs of the rebuilding kingdom. Kili imagined Dwalin wasn’t too pleased to be kept behind the table to perfect these rules. He had always been more eager to act rather than think, although it was not to say that he wasn’t capable of having a proper discussion on important matters of the kingdom. Simply if he was allowed to choose, he would undoubtedly prefer to walk the endless halls of Erebor to inspect the policies he made, ensure that they worked as they were intended to do, rather than waiting for reports to come to his table.

“You shouldn’t go there.”

Kili nearly jumped when he heard a voice coming from the shadows. His hand immediately flew to his nonexistent sword. When he didn’t find the weapon, he froze, remembering who he wasn’t now. As Thorin stepped out from the darkness, Kili swallowed thickly and dropped his hand.

“Watch where you’re going. Can’t you see the sign?” Thorin scolded with a frown, pointing to a sign nearby which indicated that indeed the area was still unsafe. Even without the sign, Kili had been told not to go to quiet and darkened parts of Erebor and stay close to the torches and crowds as they tended to signify safety.

“I missed it,” He admitted.

“The mountain is still not entirely safe. You should pay closer attention to your surroundings.”

The harsh tone deflated Kili. Thorin was strict, but not unkind. The tone was reserved only for the direst of mistakes, for when he was truly angered and disappointed. Kili could count on both hands the number of times it had been directed to him and Fili. Their mistakes, even when repeated and numerous, were rarely intentional or offending and Thorin never did more than briefly scold them.

Kili lowered his head guiltily. He wasn’t a warrior or a hunter anymore, but it didn’t excuse him for missing such an obvious sign, especially while thinking of how dangerous Erebor was. The sting of reprimand combined with the fact that this was the first time Thorin had talked to him privately since weeks squeezed Kili’s heart. “I will pay closer attention.”

Thorin’s silence was a punishment on its own. While often during their night strolls neither of them spoke a word, it was companionable silence, filled with companionship borne from shared experience of death, fire, and darkness. There was nothing friendly about the current stillness. Kili felt as if he was kneeling before an executioner, presenting his vulnerable neck to be cut by a sword. Except that it being executed was probably more merciful than facing Thorin’s disapproval, than knowing that he had disappointed Thorin.

Kili glanced up hesitantly when Thorin patted his shoulder. “Are you back from work? Let’s go.”

Kili nodded with muttered acquiescence. Thorin moved the sign to a more visible place before leading him away. Kili followed behind him, not daring to stray too far or get too close. He watched where he was going carefully. The last thing he wanted was to displease Thorin again.

In a way this was similar to the night walks they used to have; Thorin showing ways around the mountain kingdom that only few fully knew. Yet it’s something else entirely. The crowd around them was a different dimension, the anger Thorin had displayed earlier an unwelcomed addition, and the tension between them an unwanted layer. They thickened Kili’s regret. Words of apology were at the tip of his tongue, but he wasn’t sure he should utter them. Would they make things better, or worse?

“Are you hungry?” Thorin suddenly asked.

Startled, Kili only stared at the back of Thorin’s head. When he didn’t reply immediately, the older dwarf glanced back to him. “No, not yet,” He quickly replied.

“Let’s have tea then. There’s still some time before supper.”

Kili preferred cold beverages after a hard day at work, but he didn’t want to disappoint Thorin further. “Of course,” He said quickly.

The tea house Thorin brought him to was small but nice. It was located in a quiet part of Erebor, far from crowd and dangerous shadows, as if the owner didn’t wish to have his shop bustling with customers. Candles lighted the establishment, showcasing the beautifully carved wooden furniture and delicate ceramic wares and decorations.

Kili often thought of tea houses as strange place which was more elvish than dwarven in nature. He had never been to one since he didn’t like the taste of tea, although Dis often had tea with her guests and drank it in warm peaceful days in Ered Luin. This tea house, however, was nothing he had expected. The decor was familiar geometric shapes of dwarf race. Similar designs could be found on the edges of table cloth, napkins, plates, tea pots, and cups. They were carefully made, small drawings or carvings which didn’t take away from the soft image of the objects. Kili smiled at the sight of a beautifully made sword above the fireplace, feeling more at ease in the presence of familiarity.

“Your work finished early today,” Thorin said. He sipped his tea quietly, obviously accustomed to the taste. Due to the way he had quickly made his order to the knowing attendant, Kili wondered if he frequented this particular tea house often. He hadn’t even realized Thorin had taken to leaving their rooms in the day. What else had he missed due to the silence between them?

“Yes, it did,” Kili replied, stirring his tea. He didn’t know how he liked his tea, so he mirrored what Thorin did, adding a little honey into the fragrant drink. Awkwardly, he pushed back his tangled hair when it tickled the side of his face. It briefly stayed behind his shoulders, but it was still too short to stay there and slowly slipped back down to bother him. Kili sighed quietly in annoyance and was startled when Thorin to push his hair back for him.

Thorin’s hand lingered in his hair, undisturbed by the dirty state of it. Kili was hardly able to not look away when he touched the small braid Kili kept under his hair, just above his hairline. Desperately he ignored the resurfacing memory of kneeling before Dain to have his hair cut short, thus starting the ritual. It was in the past. He had left the tomb now and he would never return until the day he followed his forefathers.

“Your hair bothers you,” Thorin stated, dropping his hand.

Swallowing thickly, Kili replied vaguely, “I’m still not used to it.”

“You could braid it,” Thorin suggested.

Kili dared not brought up the fact that Thorin himself still left his hair free of braid. Only Fili had started to braid his hair, eager to return to the old customs. He shook his head. “Braids never last long with me. It will be better when it grows longer.”

“That must be quite a bother when you’re working.” Thorin said, then, “You’ve worked hard lately.”

Kili looked up in surprise. Was that a compliment? Even before the quest it was rare for Thorin to praise one’s actions. He had always been kinder to Kili, and still Kili remembered only few occasions Thorin complimented him, whether directly or indirectly. When he searched Thorin’s face, but it gave away nothing. Kili took the neutrality as a good sign and smiled hesitantly. “Thank you. Fili has worked harder than me, however.”

Thorin nodded in agreement, smiling. “I wonder if it is work at all to him. He has always loved working in the forge.”

The smile melted the tension between them. The stiffness in Kili’s shoulders loosened, the tightness in his chest evaporated. “No, I don’t think he sees it as work at all,” Kili said, laughing. “If he could choose, he would spend day and night there!”

At Kili’s words, Thorin’s smile dropped a fraction. “He is a skillful smith. A forge is where he belongs,” He said, regret lacing his deep voice.

Realizing what he had reminded Thorin of, Kili spoke in a hurry, “He doesn’t blame you!”

However, Thorin seemed to not trust him. “He has always been very responsible. As are you, especially lately. Do you like your job?”

Kili shrugged, not liking the change of topic. Thorin still seemed unhappy. Clearly, his punishment lasted longer than Fili and Kili’s. Kili recalled the nightmares plaguing Thorin in the tomb and the fever and wondered how much longer he had to suffer, how much more he had to give before he could be truly be happy. “It keeps me occupied and out of trouble. Well, mostly out of trouble,” He added guiltily.

“Erebor has been abandoned for too long. It’s not yet safe. Dwalin has placed guards in key locations but he was still overwhelmed.”

“Have you met Mister Dwalin again since last time?” Kili asked curiously. He had never heard of anyone visiting to their rooms.

“He came to visit a few times. I imagine it’s to try to keep me out of trouble.”

Kili smiled uncertainly at Thorin’s attempt at a joke. It was hard to find it funny when clearly Thorin was still in discomfort over the previous topic. Furthermore, it raised a question in Kili’s mind. “He offered you a job?”

Thorin frowned at him for a moment, seemingly unwilling to breach the subject. But then he sighed very quietly and answered, “He wants to discuss potential risks in Erebor.”

“And did you agree?”

“I am unqualified for the position. Not anymore,” Thorin said quietly, carefully. “It does require deep knowledge of Erebor which I have. But, it also entails knowing confidential matters of the kingdom and no one should risk giving me access to such key position and knowledge. However, I have promised Dwalin to do what I can to help him. He is dissatisfied, but agrees to it. Now, tell me what kind of work did you do today?” Thorin offered Kili a smile.

The small gesture put some ease into Kili’s heart. It seemed that the weight on Thorin’s shoulders had lightened, that, like Kili, he had taken a step forward from his haunting past. Thorin’s journey, his trial was still long, far longer than Fili and Kili’s, but Thorin was strong. In the future there would be no need for Thorin to stay up all alone night. One day he would smile and laugh with Kili and Fili, talking about their discoveries in kingdom. One day he would find a way to coexist peacefully with his troubled past identity. Those days might come soon or maybe much later. Today, however, he wanted to hear Kili’s stories in the quietness of the teahouse. And who was Kili to deny it?

Happily, Kili told him about the dwarf family whose house he had built today. He told Thorin about the plans the young family have for their new life in Erebor, about the stories of his fellow builders, and the sights he saw in Dale. He talked so much that he lost track of time. Thorin led him in a hurry back to their rooms before Dis and Fili became too worried. Kili walked beside him, laughing and making jokes about his mother and brother’s collective wrath. The sound of Thorin’s amused chuckles was the most wonderful thing he had heard.

* * *

Watching a city being rebuilt was a strange yet exhilarating experience. Kili hadn’t been born when they first settled in Ered Luin, of course. He had taken for granted that they lived in a beautiful, prosperous city. Regardless of the history lesson he had studied, a part of him believed that everything he had had always existed, ready for him to explore and build. Seeing all races of Middle Earth coming together to build a city brick by brick fascinated him.

Kili wondered what would become of Erebor in a few years. Would it rival Ered Luin? Would it surpass it? He remembered the songs of river of silver and gold sung by the people in Laketown. Would it truly happen? The story of Erebor and Dale that he had heard had spoken of unrivalled grandeur and the remains of the past he had seen had proven that those tales weren’t too far from truth. Ered Luin was a pale shadow compared to what Thorin’s home had been. Its mines didn’t produce as much gold and precious stones and it wasn’t the meeting point of as many trade routes. Its area had seemed endless, extending to the furthest corners of Middle Earth, but now Kili could see that it was a small town compared to Erebor. He had thought he knew what crowded was, but never had he seen so many strangers of many races gathered in one place.

But was Erebor better than Ered Luin? Was grandiose better than familiarity?

Kili gasped when his arm was grabbed and he was pulled to the side. Instinct drove him to fist his hands as he settled to a battle-ready position. The sight of the Bard gave him a pause. He swallowed thickly, suddenly aware of the eyes of nearby dwarves on them.

“You’re  alive!” Bard exclaimed in disbelieve, clutching Kili’s arms tightly. “They said you died in the battle! I was present at your funeral!”

The curious and cautious gazes on him made Kili’s heart sink. He quickly pulled Bard to a deserted alley. The man looked at him expectantly but Kili found himself at a loss of words. The ritual must not be known outside of the dwarf race, but Bard had been there. He had seen Kili, had known that he joined the battle, had heard about his death, and had even come to his funeral. He would not be satisfied with silence and might draw others’ attention to the fact that the heirs of Durin were alive and well. Kili couldn’t let that happen.

“Kili died in battle,” Kili said carefully.

Bard frowned, “What do you mean? You’re here!”

“Kili has died,” Kili repeated firmly, “I am not who you think I am.”

“Then who are you?” Bard insisted.

Bard’s question shook Kili. Who was he? He’s not a prince or a warrior. He wasn’t even Dis’s son anymore. No, Princess Dis’s sons and brother had died in battle. The fact that there was breath in his lungs, blood in his veins, meant nothing. Kili was dead.

“I’m…” Kili stuttered. Who was he? The blood that ran through his veins no longer had any power. The bonds he shared with his kin and friends were broken. His works were too random to pin down to one clear definition of a profession. His one interest had no place here in Erebor. His name bore little significance. Who was he?

The answer rushed up to him, almost leaving his disoriented. Of course. It’s the one thing he knew well, one thing unchanged and unchanging. Kili the warrior prince might have died, but something remained in his passing, the foundation of identity. The ritual had stripped him off all but one thing. Kili looked at Bard with calm unflinching eyes.

“I am Kili of Ered Luin.”

“But…”

Kili shook his head, “Kili, son of Dis of Durin’s Folk has died. I am Kili of Ered Luin.”

Bard looked at him for a long time, but Kili’s gaze was as strong and unwavering as the stone he had once been buried in. Eventually, he sighed and smiled grimly, “Very well, Kili of Ered Luin. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. Forgive me. I must have mistaken you for someone else.”

“It’s a common mistake. Us dwarfs could look remarkably similar to each other to Men,” Kili said with a shrug, smiling, “Now if you don’t mind, I will take my leave.”

It was a hasty and less than subtle retreat, but Kili feared he would reveal the ritual if he stayed. Despite his concern, however, there was a spring in his steps. He smiled as he made his way to the construction site. In his mind were the history and future of Ered Luin, the people and nature of the mountain, the culture and soul of the colony, and, in the midst of it, himself growing into a somebody. Yes, Kili, the prince, the warrior had died. He was now a dwarf with no heavy expectation upon his shoulder, a dwarf who could be anything he wanted, and what he wanted-and what he was-was to be Kili of Ered Luin.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that they're used to their new lives, it was time to return to Ered Luin. Unfortunately, not everyone wanted to go back and Kili had to decide where he really should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very long chapter which got even longer after I edited it. I'm sorry for that. Also, this is the last chapter of the second part. Next chapter will be the first chapter of the third and final part. For any question, you can go to [my tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com) or comment here. Also, can I just say that I love writing Dis in this chapter. She's an awesome dwarf.

The deep rumble was all the warning Kili got. When he looked up, the stone ceiling was descending toward him as if in slow motion. A moment of irrationality convinced him that he was trapped in a tiny tomb. His father’s bony hands returned to his neck, his non-existent weight pinning Kili down. Only a shout from outside the door way awakened him from his nightmare and he ran to safety. Pieces of heavy rocks hit his head, making his vision blurry. His consciousness nearly faded, but he forced himself to focus on running. Kili gasped in relief when he was pulled away from near certain death and fell to the floor as the ceiling completely collapsed, sending dust all over the place.

The rooms he had worked on today were especially dangerous, with the stone ceiling threatening to break down in some parts and cracks running on the wall to further weaken the support. Despite his fears, Kili had been the first to volunteer to investigate the space and no one had tried to stop him. He supposed he only had himself to blame for the dangerous situation he had been caught in. He’d seen it coming, yet still he persisted.

“Are you all right, lad?” A worker asked him.

Kili opened his eyes slowly and blinked them to chase away the blurriness in his vision. There was a throbbing ache on his head and he gingerly touched it. “I’m all right,” He said even as his fingers found thick blood on his scalp.

The elderly dwarf scoffed, “You are done for the day, lad. You won’t be any help for us in your state.”

“But…”

“Go home, Kili,” said the leader of the group, reaching into his pocket to get Kili’s wage for the day.

Kili tried to argue again but he knew the statement was true. This section was dangerous and they didn’t need an injured worker to add their burden. Kili rested until he gained enough power to stand and walk unassisted and his wound stopped bleeding. The dwarfs sent him away with reminder to take care of himself and it was enough to replace what strength Kili had lost from the concussion.

“I’ll be back tomorrow!” He promised.

“Only if you’re well enough,” One of the dwarfs replied sternly, bringing a small smile to Kili’s face.

On his way to his rooms, Kili passed the part of Erebor assigned for its citizens. The area was significantly simpler than the halls Kili lived in. It consisted of uncountable small hallways with stone doors on either side. There was no carving or tapestry depicting historic moments in history, or trinket gilded in gold which glittered under the torchlight. What it had was dwarfs chatting or arguing, laughing or crying, taking time to enjoy the new life or rushing to welcome the future. It was the heart of Erebor.

It reminded Kili of the Ered Luid, only on a larger scale. Thorin’s Hall had never been this crowded and lively. There was a sense of solemnity shrouding Ered Luin, particularly Thorin’s Hall, as if they were always in mourning for the home, friends, family, fortune, future they had lost. Kili wondered if such atmosphere still persisted now that they had reclaimed Erebor. He wondered how it would have been to wander in the streets of Ered Luin as they celebrated the victory in the battle for the Lonely Mountain. They must’ve held feasts that would last for days if not weeks. Inevitably there must’ve been drunken brawls. There must’ve been singing and dancing and new songs must’ve been written for the success of Thorin’s quest. He wondered what they would sing about him, what kind of mark he would leave upon his death. How long would they remember him before he became a faceless actor in the tragic battle? Or, as it stood, would they care to remember him at all? He’d think the rest of his company was more worthy of the honor than him.

Kili stopped when he caught sight of a familiar figure in the crowd. The tall stature was unmistakable, standing out in the crowd effortlessly even when he didn’t fully mean to. Not surprisingly, he wasn’t aware of how he failed to avoid attention. Many dwarfs tore their gazes from them with great effort, allowing the ghost some privacy, fake as it may be. Oblivious to his surrounding and focused on something Kili could not see, Thorin stood quietly on the side of the hall. Kili approached him silently then followed his line of sight as he stood behind him.

Some distance away from them Bofur and Bifur were engaged in an animated conversation. They looked different from what Kili remembered. No longer did they look like common miner and toymaker, now they wore finer clothes fit for respectable dwarves. Bifur’s hair was slightly tamed and with every shift golden earrings on Bofur’s ears reflected the light. But those were only minor changes, there was something else Kili couldn’t easily place, something that was different.

It took Kili a moment to realize that Bofur was holding his pipe with his left hand. His right arm swayed awkwardly with his movements and Kili caught a wince whenever it did so. At the fourth wince or so Bifur stopped talking and handed his cousin a small wooden toy, a raven with wings which would move when the gears spun. Bofur laughed and shook his head but Bifur insisted, stepping closer until he bumped against the miner. He stepped back quickly, as if in apology, and pushed the toy to Bofur. Bofur put his pipe between his lips and took the offered item. He looked at it blankly for a moment, then with great difficulty lifted his right arm. It wouldn’t come up fully but he now could hold the toy with one hand while spinning the gear with the other. Beside him, Bifur nodded in satisfaction. Not long after, the cousins went into one of the dwellings, Bifur awkwardly bumping into things along the way.

“What happened to them?” Kili asked.

The question startled Thorin who turned his head sharply to see him. “Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“They sent me home early,” Kili looked at the retreating backs of the former company, “What happened to them?” He repeated.

Thorin said nothing. Instead, he led Kili away from the public space and back to their rooms. Once again he seemed to effortlessly find a new route Kili never traveled to before. He stayed close to the tall dwarf, waiting for his question to be answered. They had reached a far quieter hallway when Thorin spoke. His voice was subdued, although here there was no need to worry about being overheard, safe by old stone walls.

“Bofur’s arm was severely injured. The healers managed to safe it, but he may never be able to use it fully again.”

“But then how would he…” Kili stopped himself. He recalled the gold earrings and the fine silk he wore. Of course. As the contract stated, Bofur was entitled to one fourteenth of the gold of Erebor. He could now afford luxuries and servants to care for him when he couldn’t. But then Kili thought of the dark look he wore on his usually cheerful face when he played with the toy and wondered. “And Bifur?”

“He lost most of the sight of his right eye,” Thorin said.

Kili nodded slowly, quietly. A miner without proper use of his hand and a toymaker with imperfect sight. How many more of them left the war unable to return to the lives they had left behind? Was it possible to return to life before the horror of war at all, when they had witnessed the worst of Middle Earth?

“Have you seen the others?”

“I have seen Dori. He is well. It was his tea house we went to the other day.” Thorin seemed uncertain as he said this. Dori was the strongest of them all, but there had been so many bloodthirsty enemies around them. Even the strongest, most experienced, and most skillful of dwarves could be worn down, could be slowed by weariness and apparent loss of hope. Kili remembered Ori with his slingshot. His strength was in describing battles, not taking part in them. He could imagine Dori tearing through orcs, goblins, and wargs to protect his youngest brother. He could imagine Dori putting himself between Ori and danger, the same way he and Fili had used their bodies as Thorin’s shields. “Bombur is well. He now serves Dain and his family has left Ered Luin to join him here.”

“Ered Luin…” Kili repeated longingly.

Thorin glanced at him then abruptly stopped. “What happened to you?” He asked, frowning. He wiped Kili’s forehead and when he withdrew his hand, it was covered in blood. “Did someone hurt you?”

Hurriedly, Kili pressed the wound on his head. He had ignored the sting of pain and didn’t expect the injury to reopen. He winced. He had hoped to hide this from his family. They wouldn’t let him work in the tunnels anymore if they knew and they couldn’t depend on Dain for all of their expenses. “There was an accident in one of the rooms we were reconstructing, but it’s all right.”

Thorin didn’t look convinced. “You should see a healer.”

Kili shook his head. “There’s no need for any healer. It’s only a minor wound. You can help me with it.”

For a moment Kili thought Thorin would insist to bring him to a healer, but then the tall dwarf led him back to their rooms. His steps were brisk and he took many confusing turns which made Kili’s vision spin a few times. He was immensely grateful when they arrived at their rooms. Quietly he sat down on the floor in front of Thorin’s chair as Thorin cleaned the wound.

“There’s no need to stitch it,” He reported to Kili. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“Some bruises, but nothing bad.”

Without a word, Thorin began to dress the wound. His large hands were surprisingly gentle, barely causing any discomfort or pain at all. Afterward, he took Kili to their bedroom. As many times before, he sat beside Kili while he lay down to sleep. A smile spread on Kili’s face as he recalled those nights that he hadn’t quite realized he had missed. Unfortunately, exhaustion very quickly overcame Kili’s desire to stay awake and prove that he was all right. Keeping his eyes open became a struggle and Thorin’s warm presence so close didn’t help. Just as he was falling asleep, he felt Thorin’s touch on his brows.

“I have hoped to spare you from this,” He whispered.

Kili wanted to reply, but the embrace of painless dream was irresistible. He dreamt of summer in Ered Luin, of running down the hills and through the forest with Fili, of Thorin’s watchful eyes and the wistful smile he hid from others’ eyes.

* * *

Dain’s visit was the last thing Kili expected. Yet the king appeared at their door one night, dressed in his simpler robe. His crown sat atop his head, reflecting the light from the fire, reminding Kili of who he was.

They bowed when Dain entered. Kili expected guards to remain close to him, but the king merely signaled them to stay outside. Kili glanced at Thorin, worried. But the older dwarf seemed undisturbed, his eyes were calm as he greeted his cousin. Could it be that he had been completely cured form the gold sickness? Had he finally let go of his former obsession?

“Forgive me for not seeing you sooner,” Dain began as they sat near the fire. The gold threads on his robe glimmered under the dancing light and Kili looked away.

“You don’t have to trouble yourself coming here.” Thorin replied.

Dain smiled, “It’s not a trouble at all. How are you? Are these rooms to your satisfaction?”

“We are well. And, thank you, the rooms are excellent. But isn’t it more fitting for more outstanding citizens? I’m sure your council will better approve of the assignment of these rooms to those more worthy of your approval.”

Dain smiled sadly. “You are more than ordinary dwarfs. It will be a remiss to overlook your role in reclaiming Erebor.”

Thorin lowered his eyes. “It was a small role, and not one worthy of accolade,” He said quietly.

The corners of Dain’s lips turned down, but he wasn’t willing to acquiesce to Thorin’s point. “Nevertheless, your courage is admirable. When others thought Erebor was lost forever, you came to take it back. This is a gift from your king for starting what he didn’t dare to.”

Kili looked at Dain and then Thorin. A gift from his king to his subjects, a gift that should’ve been Thorin’s to give. Kili watched Thorin carefully, trying to gauge the emotion in his lack of reaction, knowing that this was still a rather sore point for the tall dwarf. When Thorin bowed his head in gratitude, Kili and Fili released breaths of relief.

They talked about the changes in Erebor as they drank fine wine delivered to their rooms. It left pleasant warmth in Kili’s body and certainly tasted much better than the cheap ales he lately drank. He didn’t feel drunk, but he felt less restrained than before. It didn’t help that Dain had also provided them with one of the best pipe weed Kili had ever tried. It smelt fragrant and relaxed his nerves. Only Thorin was able to resist the temptation of the fine alcohol and a good smoke and entertained Dain with intelligent conversation, although once in a while Fili and Kili would contribute a chuckle or a smile or a hearty nod of agreement. They might have overstepped the royal protocol a few times, but Dain didn’t seem to mind and Thorin didn’t bother to chide them.

“I understand that you now work in the royal forge,” Dain said to Fili. “I have picked up some of your works. You made excellent knives.”

Fili’s chest puffed up in pride, his cheeks flushed with more than the alcohol. “Thank you. I’m glad you like it.”

“Fili made the best swords in all of Ered Luin!” Kili added excitedly, alcohol and pipe weed numbing his sense of propriety. Fortunately, they weren’t within earshot of outsiders, although he supposed since Dain had gone out of his way to care for them, he likely didn’t mind minor violations to the rules. “Dwarfs would wait for weeks and even months to get one of his creations!”

Fili elbowed his brother to silence him, although his smile held some smugness. “Thorin taught me everything I know. I’m only lucky to have one of the best as my teacher.”

Dain nodded in agreement, “Indeed, as I recall, you were one of the best dwarf smiths,” Dain said to Thorin. “But it also takes tremendous talent to produce those wonderful knives.” Dain chuckled when Kili teased his brother mercilessly. Even Thorin cracked a smile, watching them from the corner of his eyes. When the young dwarves had settled, Dain spoke again, “And I heard you work to restore the old tunnels and hallways, Kili. Is it true what I heard about you being involved in an accident in one of the rooms?”

Instantly, Fili’s eyes were on Kili, so Kili shook his head. “It was a minor incident. I was careless. But I’m all right!”

“Are you sure?” Fili asked, frowning as he patted Kili’s body to look for any injury.

Kili batted away Fili’s hand. He had removed the bandages before Fili and Dis could see them, intending to never let them know, knowing perfectly well they would react with overblown concern as Fili was currently displaying. “I’m sure! Thorin has taken care of the worst. I’m fine now!”

“You shouldn’t work in those dangerous halls.” Fili reprimanded him, still looking at Kili closely in concern.

“But I’m fine!” Kili protested.

“I must agree with your brother,” Dain interrupted, “It is a dangerous occupation. Is there anything else you’d like to do?”

Kili shrugged, “I like hunting, but hunting work is scarce at the moment.”

“Indeed, it is. The hunting grounds are far and there are reports that those regions are still dangerous.”

“You can hunt in Ered Luin,” Fili suddenly said.

Silence greeted Fili’s words. Kili frowned at his calm brother, his sobriety returning. Thorin stared at Fili, the pipe he was smoking stopped just before reaching his lips. Neither of them knew what to say and the air grew thick with unspoken questions and protests. Eventually, it was Dain who spoke, his voice was calm yet firm, easing some of the tension in the room.

“Do you wish to return to Ered Luin?”

Fili nodded in firmly, as if there was no room for doubt in his mind. “Yes. It is our home.”

“Is there anything I can do to tempt you to stay? I very much like your work with the knives.”

Smiling, Fili answered, “I will send them to you if you wish, but I would like to return to Ered Luin.”

Dain nodded although he looked a touch disappointed. “Very well. I will not stop you if that is what you wish.” He turned to Thorin then, “Will you go with them?”

Thorin set down his pipe. He didn’t look at Fili and Kili when he answered. “No. I will stay.”

Kili looked at Thorin sharply, then to Fili. He barely listened to Dain when the king welcomed Thorin to stay as long as he wished and offered supplies for Fili and Kili’s journey back to Ered Luin. It would’ve pleased Kili many months ago. He would have been excited, clinging to the promise of homecoming. But now he couldn’t muster any exuberance. Now he looked at Thorin and Fili only felt doubt. Now he looked away and wished he didn’t have to choose.

* * *

“Why did you say that?” Kili asked Fili in the privacy of their room. Dain had left and Thorin stayed in the sitting room, giving the brothers a moment to themselves. Usually, they used the moment to tell stories of their adventure that day, but tonight Kili was glaring at Fili, demanding explanation. “Why did you tell Dain we want to return to Ered Luin?”

Fili seemed unperturbed by this, “Because we do.” He paused. “Or do you not want to?”

Did he want to? Kili thought of the mountain he was familiar with, the safe mines, the forest teeming with lives, the dwarfs he knew by name. He thought of playing with Fili by the fire, their parents watching over them with smiles on their faces. He thought of the friends he had left behind. He thought of the drunken promises he made the night before the fateful departure to Hobbiton. He thought of the identity he had given himself: Kili of Ered Luin. There was a small part of him worried of the reaction he would receive if he returned, but it was overcame by the longing for familiarity far from the cold Lonely Mountain. However….

“I do,” Kili finally said, “But Thorin… We can’t leave him.”

“We can,” Fili said, “What use does he have of us here now? We are no longer his heirs. We no longer have to take the burden of his inheritance.”

“But he’s our uncle!” Kili argued.

Fili sighed. “He is. And Dain is his cousin. He also has promised to provide Thorin with anything he might need. If there is any dwarf in this mountain whose words we can trust, it’s Dain. And, let’s not forget that Dwalin is here as well. He would be more useful to him than us.”

Fili was right of course, but Kili’s doubt remained. He shook his head. Unlike the others in the company, he and Fili hadn’t signed the contract. However, even if they had signed it, it clearly stated that their responsibility was to reclaim Erebor from Smaug. The contract was fulfilled, their duty was fulfilled. They might not get their share of gold (nor do they care for it) but now they were free to do whatever they wished to do. They could go home if they wanted to, and Kili wanted to, but what about Thorin?

“Do you mean you want to stay for Thorin?”

Kili frowned at his brother. “We can’t leave him.”

“We can,” Fili insisted. “We no longer have to follow him. We no longer have to obey his dreams. We can be free of his hopes.”

“You speak of him as if he were a nuisance!” Kili snapped.

Anger blazed in Fili’s usually calm eyes, reminding Kili of the time in the tomb where he nearly attacked Thorin. Kili took a step back and although Fili didn’t seem to wish to inflict pain on him, rage was obvious in his words and tone of voice.

“You aren’t the one burdened by his expectations! You aren’t the one forcibly locked in the study to read documents to prepare for the future you have no care for! You aren’t the one whose life was decided regardless of your wishes! You are the spare heir! You don’t know these things! Blame me all you want but I am glad I am no longer obligated to follow him!”

Fili stormed off, leaving Kili in stunned silence. Seconds later, Kili heard a door being slammed shut in the sitting room. He took a deep breath, trying to school the guilt and persistent hesitance in his heart. Kili went to sleep listening to the crackling of fire and hoping it was Fili’s steady breaths instead. He woke up hours later and found Fili in his own bed, facing away from him, and Thorin’s bed empty. Kili stared at the ceiling, wishing solution would come to him.

* * *

Kili couldn’t remember the last time he had been in a fight with Fili. True, they had had many disagreements, but nothing ever came from those. They always reconciled quickly. Kili was always quick to forget his anger and Fili was always ready to forgive. They were always eager to stay close to each other.

This time it was different. Days after their fight they still wouldn’t speak to each other. The once cheerful atmosphere turned sour with silence. Dis attempted to start conversations between her sons, but she never succeeded in making them exchange words. Fili and Kili left for work separately and came back at different times, further making it difficult to make them talk, although Kili caught Fili’s gaze on him in a few occasions and knew his brother noticed that the looks he threw him as well. Thorin observed all of this but never said a word, as if knowing that he was the cause conflict.

Fili hadn’t begun packing what little he had. His belongings were piled on a table, ready to be packed away, yet the blond left them that way. Kili knew Fili wouldn’t touch them if Kili were to stay in Erebor. Fili wouldn’t leave him, even if it meant never coming home, even if it meant never seeing Ered Luin again, even if it meant forever missing their home. Kili wanted him to see Ered Luin again. _He_ wanted to see Ered Luin again. But he couldn’t leave Thorin behind.

It was yet another night spent without Kili exchanging words with his brother. He looked at the broad back turned toward him. He wanted to reach out to close the gap between them, to talk to Fili again, to tell him how much he missed his brother and best friend, but he couldn’t while the disagreement persisted.

Kili left his bed quietly. It was unlikely that he would have any sleep tonight. He threw a lingering look at his brother sleeping form before he left the room. A guilty feeling cut his heart as he sought his uncle for comfort Fili wouldn’t give. He hesitated and looked back at the closed door behind him, but the thought of leaving Thorin in the home he had reclaimed but didn’t own stopped Kili from returning to his bed.

As usual, the sitting room was empty at this hour. Kili spared a glance at the glowing ember-brighter than what he usually found-before leaving it. The door had only closed behind him when he saw a figure down the hallway. Kili frowned. Thorin wasn’t going to the balcony he usually visited before he went to bed. Of course Kili hadn’t joined him in his late night strolls for a while now and indeed it was the height of winter, but Thorin wasn’t the type to be deterred from a routine and, most of all, from his duty to guard his people.

Kili followed Thorin, making sure that his footsteps weren’t echoed by the stone walls and his shadows not visible to Thorin. As he entered deeper and deeper into the mountain he grew restless. The guards now hid in the darkness, the torches grew rare, the smell of earth stronger, the sound of life dimmer. Kili shivered as he followed Thorin down uncountable stairs leading down the mountain. In his mind the silence turned to screams for mercy and the darkness became solid chains that shackled him to the stones. He ought to stop. He wanted to stop. But the sight of Thorin being enveloped by darkness was too unbearable, so Kili followed him.

Air nearly left Kili’s lungs when he recognized the tombs. Its tall door, decorated by words of peace for the dead, stood hidden in eternal shadow. Thorin pushed it open easily and slipped into the darkness within. The door was left open, but Kili was overwhelmed by fear that Thorin would not return (like that time the final stone covered his father, weighing him down, blocking air from entering his ripped lungs). He ran toward it, not bothering to hide his presence anymore. His body was freezing as he neared the door, his feet heavy with fear but still he ran into the tomb.

Thorin had just entered one of the chambers inside when Kili burst in, panting loudly. His eyes found a familiar door in the dark, the door he had been led into less than a year ago, located far from view and blocked by heavy rocks: his prison, his tomb. Kili squeezed his eyes shut.

“Kili!” He heard Thorin shout. Kili allowed himself to be pushed down to sit on the cold stone floor as his heart fluttered wildly in his chest. “Breathe!”

Kili focused on the warmth of Thorin’s hand on his shoulder and fought to regulate his breath. He felt dizzy and his consciousness threatened to slip away a few times. Kili fisted his shaking hands and fought to follow Thorin’s instruction. A few minutes passed before air stopped burning his lungs and his trembling subsided. Kili opened his eyes slowly and nodded. “I’m all right.”

Thorin frowned as he helped Kili to his feet, “What are you doing here?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I saw you leaving our rooms and decided to follow you. I didn’t think you’d go here,” Kili explained, “Why are you here?”

Thorin looked at the chamber he had entered when Kili came. “There’s something I want to see.”

Kili followed Thorin to the dark room. In it there were three sarcophaguses. Their smooth surfaces were dotted with gold dust and on their lids were realistic statues of those who were buried in there. Kili’s eyes widened when he recognized the cold, peaceful faces.

“Are these our graves?” He asked.

Kili inspected the leftmost sarcophagus. The figure on it was unmistakably Fili. His long hair was braided intricately the way it had been before the ritual and he was clad in a beautiful robe customary for a crown prince. Kili wanted to run his hand through the hair, so fine was the statue made, but he held back, knowing that instead of smooth strands he would only touch solid stone. His brother was safely sleeping in their room, not dead here in this tomb. Kili turned to the largest sarcophagus in the chamber, Thorin’s grave.

Like Fili’s, this statue was made accurately. It was a little strange to be studying it while Thorin was in the room. It looked like he was sleeping peacefully, the deep lines that usually adorned his face were smooth. Kili almost thought that it would rise any moment if he made any loud noise and unconsciously held his breath and he inspected at the statue closely.

Thorin’s statue was clad in a robe fit for a king. Atop its head was a raven crown, the crown Thorin never had the chance to wear. Its hands were clasped together in front of its chest where there was a small hole. It was a space for the Arkenstone, Kili realized with a start. Thorin had been buried with the Arkenstone, but Thorin was here in this room with him and the Arkenstone was in the stone prison, sealed forever under the mountain whence it came. Kili glanced at Thorin who was staring at the empty hole quietly. Swallowing thickly, he turned to the last sarcophagus.

It was himself. Kili couldn’t bear to look at the statue’s face for a long time. He had no desire nor courage to see what he might look like when he died. He focused instead on the bracer the statue had. Its shoes were also a little different from the other statues’. It seemed somewhat lighter with only few metal accessories. They were shoes meant to endure hardship and create minimal noise, a hunter’s shoes. He was buried a hunter and an archer, in addition to a prince and a warrior. A burst of pride blossomed in his chest, followed by curiosity. How would he be remembered if he were to die now?

“We have died,” Kili said quietly as he returned to Thorin’s side. “And yet, we are alive.”

“What has died is our past, not our present and future,” Thorin said quietly. He then took a deep breath and turned to Kili. “You and Fili want to return to Ered Luin, don’t you?”

Kili frowned. “I won’t return without you.”

“Erebor is not your place. Didn’t you say Ered Luin is your home?”

“It’s true, but you…”

Thorin shook his head, “I must stay in Erebor, to protect the people and bring them prosperity. It is still my responsibility, even if I no longer have the right to rule the Lonely Mountain.”

Thorin’s expression was full of determination. Some exhaustion lingered in the corner of his eyes and lips, but he didn’t give in to them. He was every bit the dwarf Kili and Fili had looked up to, the dwarf they aspired to be. But when Kili looked closely there was something else running underneath the admirable façade, something small yet rooted deep.

“You say it’s your duty to stay,” Kili began carefully, “but it’s no longer your home, is it?”

Pain flashed in Thorin’s eyes when he looked at Kili. He didn’t give in to it and schooled it to certainty, but Kili couldn’t be fooled. “Many things have changed. Indeed, sometimes I don’t recognize it from my memory, but Erebor is where I should be.”

Kili stepped closer to Thorin, determined to prove his point. “Didn’t you just say our pasts have died? Isn’t Erebor, the lost home you reclaimed with the price of blood, also part of that past?”

He had overstepped a very clear line, Kili knew. No one spoke badly of Erebor in front of Thorin. It was a memory, a legacy to be respected. It should be kept alive, not left behind to die.

Thorin’s expression hardened. For a second Kili was certain he would be struck-and he deserved it, truly he did. But Thorin took a deep breath and looked away. “You’re very persistent, Kili, but it is no use. Go with your brother. I will stay.”

“So, you don’t deny it.”

“Kili,” Thorin sighed tiredly and turned back to Kili. “Erebor is my present and future. It will always be.”

Kili shook his head stubbornly, “It is the present and future your father and grandfather had chosen for you, just as you had chosen Fili to be your heir and me to be the spare. But now you allow us to go and do what we wish. Why can’t you do the same?”

“It’s different,” Thorin insisted.

“How is it different?” Kili asked, his voice rising along with his temper, echoing in the stone chamber, “Isn’t the purpose of the ritual to free us from the shackles of the past? Now we have no obligations to anyone but ourselves. Erebor is no longer the home you know, Thorin, nor the home you expect it to be. But nothing could force you to stay if it doesn’t make you happy-and I know you’re not happy. You don’t have to return to Ered Luin with Fili and me. I just don’t want you to be unhappy here. So, tell me, Thorin, what can I do to help you? What can I do to make you happy?”

Throughout Kili’s tirade, Thorin had looked away. As Kili waited for an answer, he slowly drew his gaze up. Kili had expected anger and foolishly hoped for agreement, but what he saw was something else. He had seen it before in Thorin’s eyes and it brought to mind the memory of Fili’s complaint that he’s Thorin’s favorite. However, it was more intense this time, the way it had never been before. The gaze was warm and kind and full of longing. Thorin’s expression softened by affection, a far cry from the broken dwarf and a strong leader he used to be. Kili felt the world had narrowed down to both of them and he was the only thing worth paying attention to. Realization came to him abruptly.

“Oh,” was all he had to say.

Thorin smiled lightly and looked away, hiding his eyes from Kili’s. “You don’t have to stay here. We all know you and Fili will be much happier in Ered Luin. I choose to stay, Kili, and if you’d allow me this choice, I would be happy.”

Many unfinished thoughts swirled in Kili’s mind. He struggled to put them to words and his confusion didn’t help. “Are you sure?” He asked in the end, uncertain of the answer he wanted.

Thorin nodded, “It will ease my mind to know that you both are well and happy.” Thorin smiled as he locked his blue eyes with Kili’s brown ones. “Go back to Ered Luin with Fili. I will stay in Erebor.”

Kili nodded slowly, quietly. When he settled back in his bed later that night, Thorin not by his side, Thorin’s pained smile burnt the back of his eyelids.

* * *

Fili was thrilled when Kili told him that he would return to Ered Luin. He was barely willing to wait until the first day of spring, so eager as he was to go home. Fortunately, as promised, Dain gave them ponies and supplies for the journey. Dain also gave them weapons for protection. Fili and Kili accepted those hesitantly for despite the practical use, only warriors and fighters carry weapons and they were not those anymore. However, their journey was perilous. Many dark creatures had been killed during the battle the previous year, but there was no doubt that there were more in hiding. The weapons were not the quality Fili and Kili were used to wielding. They were roughly made, the blades not as smooth, the grip too coarse, and they were not as finely decorated, but they were functional. So, Fili and Kili accepted the gifts.

The weapons were welcomed surprise. Dis’s coming, however, was not. She announced her intention to return to Ered Luin with Fili and Kili once they started planning the journey and there was no changing her mind.

“What do you mean you’re leaving all your belongings here?” Thorin asked with a deep frown.

“I don’t need them. I have all the dresses I need and the jewelries I want,” Dis replied, turning around the gold ring her father had given her many decades prior. She referred to the handful of old dresses and jewelries given to her by her late husband which she had packed without first consulting to her relatives. Naturally, they weren’t pleased to hear about this. “Everything else belongs to Erebor.”

“Dis, I would be deeply honored if you’d stay in Erebor,” Dain said after taking a deep breath. “But if you insist on returning to Ered Luin, you should bring some guards for your safety. I will provide a carriage for your comfort. As you know well, it would be a difficult journey.”

“That’s very kind of you, Dain, but I need only a couple of ponies for myself and my baggage,” Dis said sweetly.

Beside the king, Thorin shook his head in disapproval. “Don’t be foolish, Dis.”

However, Dis merely smiled and shook her head. “My sons can’t accept those privileges anymore, so I won’t. If the sons of Dis, daughter of Thrain, are dead, then so is she,” She stated.

“You shouldn’t go with us! It’s too dangerous!” Fili argued.

“I traveled here safely, didn’t I? I’m sure I can return to Ered Luin in the same state.” Dis said, smiling.

“But isn’t Erebor your home? Don’t you want to stay?” Kili asked. He realized too late what he said and regretted his thoughtlessness when Thorin lowered his eyes.

For a moment, Dis was silent. She looked at her sons and then stroked their heads affectionately. “My home is with my family. I have nearly lost you once. I will not risk it again,” She said, “If you return to Ered Luin, then I am coming with you.”

The sky was still slightly grey when they departed. The small company made their way out of the Lonely Mountain and Dale slowly. There was no fanfare and no one came to see them go. Some people looked at them curiously but no one said anything. Their presence and lack thereof mattered not to them. Only Bard lingered, watching him with a frown, but he didn’t try to talk to them or stop them.

There was a broad smile on Fili’s face and Kili could tell from his tight grip around the rein that he was trying not to urge his pony to run faster. Between the brothers, Dis looked ahead solemnly. There was no eagerness or regret on her face, only contentment. Kili smiled at the sight of his small family, but the smile quickly disappeared when he thought of the dwarf missing from the picture.

Kili looked back at the mountain that was once his destination and objective. It loomed tall and majestic, exactly the way he had been told when he was little. It would be the last time he saw it and he wanted to carve the sight of it in his memory. In his mind he imagined a dwarf in one of the balconies, the tall stature and sky blue outfit unmistakable. The thought of Thorin just standing there, watching them leave, cut deeply into Kili’s heart. Kili swallowed thickly and turned his eyes back to the road. He never looked back again.

* * *

Kili and Fili took the longer route back to Ered Luin, the route which had been deemed unsafe when they had left for the Lonely Mountain. The restoration of Erebor had an effect on the road they were taking. The area was no longer infested with criminals, goblins, and other dark creatures, but safely guarded. Dwarfs were wary to pass Mirkwood, and Kili and Fili even more so. There were words that the spiders had been banished from the realm, but they didn’t want to be anywhere close to their former prisons. They would rather spend more time on the road than going through the dark forest again.

They made frequent stops for Dis’s comfort, although she claimed that she didn’t need rest much. At night they set up a small camp at the side of the road. Fili and Kili took turn guarding the camp from wild animals and attacks, although they had been assured that those were rare nowadays. It was so similar to the times they would guard mercenaries or when they were on Thorin’s quest and yet very different. There was more excitement than apprehension now. Although, Kili couldn’t tell whether he had been the only one feeling nervous in the quest. The others had seemed so calm, even the hobbit had seemed resigned to his fate after a while. He had regularly looked back, wondering if they had done the wise thing. But he supposed that even if he had known the outcome of the journey then, he still wouldn’t have turned back. He would’ve still stayed by his king and his brother, fulfilling his duty as a warrior and a kin.

Yet here he was now, on the way back home with his brother, leaving his uncle behind. Not a day on the road passed without Kili wondering if he had done the right thing, if perhaps he should’ve stayed for Thorin. Guilt nagged his consciousness whenever he thought that he had left Thorin alone and unhappy. But then Kili recalled the look Thorin had given him and its meaning, as well as the meanings behind every little gesture he had previously overlooked. Could he bring him any semblance of happiness or would he only torment them both with unease?

“What are you thinking?”

Kili looked at Dis in surprise. It was late and it had been another long day. Fili had slept as soon as they finished dinner, unable to fight exhaustion. Dis had also slept after once again ensuring that her sons were safe and sound. Kili had expected quiet hours to spend alone with his thought before he would wake Fili to take turn to guard the camp. Nevertheless, he welcomed the company and moved to give room for his mother.

“I’m thinking about the journey. Every night was almost like this, except with more dwarfs and greater threat of orc attacks,” Kili said with a smile.

“Oh, Kili…”

“No! It’s fine! It was fun and I enjoyed it. Well, I did until…” Kili trailed off. He looked at the fire and exhaled quietly. “It’s all in the past. It doesn’t matter anymore now.”

Firelight burnt Kili’s eyes, so he looked at the ground. Indeed the past didn’t matter anymore for him, Fili, and Thorin. They had died. He had seen their tombs. Their pasts, no matter how dark or thrilling, no longer carried any value. That was why he was on his way to Ered Luin, to build a new life. He wished he could say the same applied to Thorin.

“Why did you change your mind?” Dis asked gently, “You were so adamant to stay with Thorin.”

Kili avoided his mother’s eyes as he answered, “He convinced me to go. He wants to stay and since Fili and I don’t want to, we should leave him.”

Dis studied her son carefully. “Was that all he said?” She asked again.

“Yes… No… I…” Kili swallowed, hiding his face behind the curtain of his hair. Once again he was reminded to Thorin’s longing gaze in the tomb. Should he tell Dis about it? What if it made her think ill of Thorin? Kili had no experience in the matter of love, but he knew it wasn’t something to be governed by the mind or the ways of the world. The fact that Thorin had kept it to himself well for so many decades deserved praise, but would others understand it? “He seems unhappy. I worry about leaving him in Erebor,” Kili said instead.

Sighing quietly, Dis looked at her lap. “All his life Thorin has prepared himself to rule Erebor. He’s not like you, or even Fili. He never knows of choice outside of those made for him by our forefathers.”

“He said Erebor is his present and future,” Kili said quietly. At Dis nod, he continued, “A present and future that makes him unhappy.”

“It’s unlike what he prepared for,” Dis said, “He prepared to be a king but now he was a commoner. Not achieving your life expectations could make you unhappy. But this is Thorin, he will find a way to find what he searches for in Erebor.”

“Or he will continue to be miserable.”

Dis smiled grimly but didn’t argue, “Perhaps. But he has made his decision and he will stand by it. We must believe that he has made the best choice.” Dis looked at her son, “Don’t you trust him?”

Kili was quiet for a while, “I do. I just… I suppose I still wish he chose to find his happiness in Ered Luin. With us.”

Patting her son’s shoulder, Dis spoke, “We cannot all be together forever. Even you and Fili might one day leave to build his own life. It’s unpleasant to think of, but it’s inescapable possibility.” Dis leaned her head on Kili’s shoulder, sighing. “I know you’ve always thought highly of him and I completely understand why you hesitate to leave him. I, too, had my doubts about leaving him, first to marry your father and then now to return to Ered Luin. But I can’t live my whole life following his footsteps, Kili. You shouldn’t attempt it, either.”

Kili peered at his mother, wanting to argue. She was right, however. Thorin had chosen the path for himself, a path that Kili and Fili no longer had to take with him. The path seemed to steer Thorin away from happiness, or at least from whom he claimed to bring him happiness, but it’s likely that he wouldn’t find happiness had he chosen to stay with his family. So, perhaps it was the right thing to do. Perhaps it really was time for them to walk their separate ways. Perhaps this was the way they would find their happiness in their lives, even if it didn’t feel or look that way.

With a small smile, Kili said to his mother, “I won’t.”

* * *

It was well into summer that they caught sight of the familiar mountain. It towered to the clouds, exactly the same as what Kili remembered it to be. The only thing separating the small group from it was the expanse of familiar field and forest. They didn’t waste time for rest, eager to be home. Songs were sung, stories were traded, and laughter was shared. Kili and Fili could barely sleep at night and when they did, they slept with smiles on their faces.

They grew more carefree the closer they went. They no longer feared every unknown noise or every shadow. Once in a while Fili or Kili wandered alone to hunt or just to take in the scenery, not worrying about being lost. This was familiar territory. They knew these trees, these fields, the river, the hills. They would never be lost here.

They had no silk robe or golden jewelries for her to wear when she returned to Ered Luin so they made Dis a crown of flowers and covered her pony with fragrant flowers. She laughed and made them twin rings made of two blue wild flowers she found on the road. Kili wore his until it dried and then kept it in a box he found in one of his bags.

Kili was giddy with excitement as they neared the mountain.  He could see the rising smoke from chimneys and recent tracks of dwarfs and ponies passing by. He could hear the soft hums of dwarfs going about their lives in the distance. He sped up his pony and so did Fili and Dis.

His hands shook as he neared the tall stone gate of Ered Luin. His hood covered his face, hiding it from familiar eyes of dwarfs on their ways to their fields or the forest. It wasn’t like in Erebor, where everyone was cautious around them. Here, the dwarfs knew exactly who he was and that his past had died, that he was now a new person and yet still himself. Here, they glanced at him and smiled as if he had only left yesterday for a hunt. Kili couldn’t stop himself from smiling widely. It was a struggle to keep his pace instead of running to his hometown.

The distance seemed endless now that it was in sight, just within reach. Kili directed his pony to walk next to Fili’s. The blond was also smiling, his eyes shining with relief and joy. They glanced at each other and grinned. When they finally walked past the gate of Ered Luin, Kili took a deep gasping breath. His shoulders felt lighter now, the load that had burdened his mind evaporated with the first step he took to Ered Luin. He reached out to grip Fili’s hand and let out a shuddering breath when his brother squeezed his hand empathetically.

He had made it. He had made the journey he never thought he’d do. He had left Erebor behind and after two years returned to where he should be, Ered Luin. He was home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili finally returned to Ered Luin but this didn't mean his troubles were over. It was difficult to completely remove oneself from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry for the delay. I've gotten very busy the past few months and this fic requires concentration. Also I rewrote this chapter about three times before finally ending up with this because I couldn't decide what to do with the original characters. But anyway it's here now! Enjoy!
> 
> Warning for description of hunting and killing animal.

“Lady Dis!”

A dwarf lady rushed toward them, a relieved smile on her face. Kili recognized her as one of Dis’s loyal handmaidens. She glanced at Fili and Kili and nodded to them, but didn’t greet them. They weren’t offended, however; they no longer hold any position of power after all and therefore didn’t deserve such a greeting. To everyone else, they were no more than Dis’s guards or servants.

“Welcome! I’m glad you arrived safely!”

“Thank you,” Dis replied. She dismounted the pony with Fili’s help and turned to her handmaiden. “I trust you have received Dain’s message.”

The dwarf lady nodded, “We have indeed received the message. Everything has been prepared as instructed. Most of your belongings have been sold and Gloin took some of your heirloom with him to Erebor.”

Kili and Fili glanced at each other. They knew that Dain had sent a message to Ered Luin before their departure, but they didn’t know about its content. Only Dis and Thorin were present during the discussion; Dis because she was now the sole survivor of the direct descendant of Durin in Ered Luin and Thorin because of his knowledge on the politics of Ered Luin and what power and wealth his family still held there. Apparently Dis truly meant it when she said she had died with her sons. She relinquished everything she owned for them, to be like them. Kili looked at her guiltily.

“When did he leave?” Dis asked.

“Last month. He brings his family with him and wants to arrive before it becomes too cold for travel.”

“We must have missed each other, then,” Dis mused. “Did you say you have sold most of my belongings?”

“Yes. We aren’t sure what to do with your personal possessions, however. And your sons’.” The lady’s eyes flickered to Fili and Kili as she said this.

Dis nodded in understanding. “I will sort them out. Meanwhile, can you show Fili and Kili to our new home?”

“Certainly.” Dis’s handmaiden quickly called several dwarfs to escort Dis to Thorin’s Hall. After she left, she turned to Fili and Kili. “Please follow me.”

Kili and Fili followed her unquestioningly while pulling their ponies along with them. Not much had changed in Ered Luin since their departure, yet it seemed different somehow. Now that he had seen Erebor and Dale, Kili could understand why Thorin had called Ered Luin ‘poor lodgings in exile’. As successful as he and Thrain had been in building the realm, it was nothing compared to what they once had.

The buildings in Ered Luin weren’t as tall and weren’t made from as fine materials. The architectures weren’t as sophisticated as Erebor, even the large doors of Thorin’s hall seemed small in comparison to the newly reclaimed kingdom’s. The area wasn’t as large and the market not as bustling with local and foreign merchants. The inhabitants’ outfits weren’t as colorful or as fashionable and there weren’t as many of them here than in Dale and Erebor, especially now that they had started to move back to their lost home.

Yet, Ered Luin offered beautiful blue sky and endless green fields. The buildings weren’t tall and luxurious, but they were homely and welcoming. It wasn’t a center of cultures, and it didn’t try to be. It developed with time, comfortable with its roots and not quite in a rush to start something new for the sake of being new. It had familiar friendly faces and streets Kili would never forget. It offered comfort in its warmth and familiarity which were what Kili longed for.

They were led to the edge of the town, an area mostly inhabited by those who were ignored by the society at large for having committed terrible mistakes or leading disagreeable lifestyles. There, a small house stood. Its walls were a dirty shade of cream. The woods of the window sills and door frames looked withered and old. It was a far cry from the luxury Kili used to have, even the humble apartment they lived in during the final months in Erebor. As a point of fact, it was only slightly better than some of the most modest farmhouses in Ered Luin and blend in very well with the other houses in the area. It was a house fitting for those who were starting their lives from nothing. It was fitting for Fili and Kili.

Fili and Kili left their ponies outside and entered the house. They explored the sitting room quietly, not touching anything. The house was fully furnished but the furniture looked frail, made of thin and old wood, looking as if they would collapse under a dwarf’s weight, while others showed signs of use but still usable. It was barely livable, but barely was better than not at all.

It felt a little strange, as if they were intruding into someone’s house. It was theirs, but there was nothing in there that belonged to them. It had no personal touches, nothing to indicate that they belonged there-or anyone for that matter. But at the same time it gave them a blank sheet. They could add whatever they wanted. They could be whatever they wanted to be. They could rebuild their lives here in any way they chose, without any concern for ancient expectations.

The handmaiden cleared her throat. “I will take my leave now.”

“Of course. Thank you very much,” Fili replied. Beside him, Kili could only nod, still absorbed by the unexpected gift.

The dwarf lady nodded to them (Kili noticed that she nearly bowed to them but refrained at the last moment) before turning away. The brothers studied the place for a moment longer. Kili eyed a wooden stairs leading to the second floor, curiosity pulling him toward it. He glanced at Fili who was opening the windows to let fresh air in and began to climb the stairs, noting its unstable state. It was a house, not yet welcoming, but it was in Ered Luin which was where they should be.

Kili felt himself smiling as his confidence grew. “I’m home,” He said to himself.

* * *

Dis returned home with nothing but Kili and Fili didn’t protest-they were no longer parts of the Durin Line and thus had no more right to its riches. They were given a house and the opportunity to start anew and nothing more. What affected them, however, were a simple fine silver from their father that Dis had around her neck. Kili and Fili were unable to ignore it and its significance. Just as the gold ring from Thrain, this wasn’t an ordinary jewelry although it looked very simple. They had heard many times the love story behind the simple gift, a present made by their father’s own hands. No. Not their father. It wasn’t only Durin Folks they were severed from. Kili and Fili were no longer their father’s sons. They had no right to call him that anymore.

“Vilir,” Kili said. The name felt weird spoken but he had to get used to it. He returned Fili and Dis’s questioning stare. “He’s not our father anymore.”

He nearly regretted his words when Dis’s eyes turned glassy. Beside him, Fili looked down, saying nothing although his body was strung tight with suppressed emotions. But this was the truth. No matter how they denied it, that was the irrevocable truth.

“No, he wasn’t,” Dis said with a broken voice, touching the necklace. “I’m sorry. Even though I said I have died with my sons, I can’t be like you. You’ve had your past and future erased while my past merely stops. I will always be the daughter of Thrain, wife of Vilir, mother of Fili and Kili,” She said apologetically.

“It’s all right, Mother. The punishment is ours. You shouldn’t have suffered with us to begin with,” Fili comforted her, stroking her back gently. He was smiling gently but Kili could read sorrow in his eyes. Kili swallowed and looked down, feeling guilty for making them sad. “Now, can you help me and Kili furnish the house? We know nothing of how to arrange a room.”

Being busy kept Dis’s mind in peace. She agreed to do whatever she could to help them although Fili and Kili didn’t let her do too much hard work-she had done and given up too much for them. They agreed to give the biggest one bedroom to Dis while they chose between the smaller ones. Kili selected a small room in the second floor with a view to the east so he could see the rising sun and changing weathers, both essential information for the hunting profession he would take.

As with the other rooms in the house, his room was also barren from any decoration. Kili didn’t know yet what he wanted to do with it. Aside from his clothes, the only thing he could call his was a bow he had brought from Erebor. He hung them on the wall in front of his bed, the sole decoration in his room and his current sole description. There would be time to add things to the room, things to define him as more than an archer and a hunter. There would be time for him to define Kili of Ered Luin.

Kili looked at the dark yet strangely unintimidating forest outside, thinking of the exploration he would do tomorrow, reacquainting the forest which had been his playground. His gaze then turned to the distant night sky and the imagined lonely peak in the distance. His heart was heavy as he turned away from the windows and approached the call of his mother and brother’s happy voices in the sitting room. Erebor was in his past; he was now back in Ered Luin. Even though things weren’t the way he wanted them to be and he was sure his future wouldn’t be easy and his past would always come to haunt him, he would find ways to find peace in his life. Perhaps not now, not tomorrow, or even the next week, but one day if he kept being strong, he would be able to honestly and proudly say he’s doing well.

* * *

For days Fili vainly looked for work in blacksmiths in Ered Luin. One after another, they turned him down to the point Dis considered selling some of her remaining belongings to support them. Fili had more experience and skill than many master smiths in Ered Luin, but he was now considered a novice-Fili’s past reputation didn’t wane, it was erased. Most claimed they had no time to educate an inexperienced apprentice but they fooled no one, the truth behind their excuses obvious to all. The cold indifference in their eyes was a familiar response Kili and Fili received, more than in Erebor. Kili suggested him to search for another type of work but Fili was determined, going to one smith to another to offer his skill until he found one who was willing to employ and educate an innocent stranger, a small smithy where works mostly came in the form of simple repairs and small orders from farmers and less fortunate residents, nothing like his previous work in the royal smith of Erebor. Still, he was certain that one day the prospect of bring profit with his skills would make those who had rejected him accept him. It would likely take a long time and a lot of effort to convince them, but Fili was patient.

Dis and Fili supported Kili’s choice of hunting as his trade despite what had happened to Vilir during that tragic hunt decades ago. The call of nature was always irresistible to Kili. Fili could ignore it most of the time; the attractiveness of fire, earth, and metal was more enticing to him that unexplored wilderness. Kili didn’t possess the same control, finding the warmth of the sun upon his face far more wonderful than roaring forge. Now presented with the opportunity to finally do what he wanted, he chose to follow his passion and be a hunter

Nature always changed and yet always retained something familiar. Some trees were taller, some were gone, new plants grew at the forest floor, rocks stood unmoving, and river and streams continued to flow. Kili could hear animals in the distance: deer, rabbits, birds, squirrels, and even some hidden predators. Despite being alone, he wasn’t worried. He had his sword and arrows for protection, and the sun above to provide him with direction.

Kili took the old paths he still remembered perfectly. He understood now Thorin’s familiarity with Erebor. Some things stayed in your mind forever no matter how long it had been since you last visited the memory. It might be dim, but it would always stay. If Kili stopped thinking and let his body lead him, he found find himself in his destination, and with time his mind refreshed those pieces of knowledge. Kili recognized the tracks he took with Fili when they hunt, the large tree they used as a shelter when it rained, the parts of the river with the most fishes, the perfect spots to wait for a game, the invisible paths leading to peaceful parts of the forest, and the courses one absolutely must not take without company. He remembered them all and committed every new change as new memory.

It was a little harder to start hunting again than he thought, however. It seemed that he had grown out of the habit of keeping his footsteps quiet. Animals picked up his noises or his scent before he had any chance to take aim. It took him nearly an hour to regain the old habit and then shot his first pheasant. Fortunately while he had grown noisy, his aim was still as sharp as before. It didn’t take long for him to find a couple of rabbits for dinner. He proudly brought them home for a small celebration for his new trade.

When he wasn’t hunting or selling meat and fur of animals he caught, Kili helped Dis maintain a small garden at their backyard where they grew some vegetables. She was determined to be as self-sufficient as possible, despite never spending a day in her life working. She asked farmers for suggestions on the best to seeds to buy, the plants to grow in certain seasons, how to preserve food, and other practical skills. People were only too happy to help her, seeing her still as a princess of Erebor despite her renouncing the title (as they should, Kili thought to himself as he watched Dis’s once smooth hands turned rough and scarred). Some of her former handmaidens even came to offer their services for free out of pity for her new life. However, as far as Kili could see Dis didn’t need any pity. She’s eager to learn, not afraid to fail, and determined to succeed. He had never admired his mother more.

Neither of them needed pity, in fact. Fili and Kili’s income covered their expenses. Dis’s small garden fed them and decreased their food cost. If they were often exhausted at night, their bodies sore from hard work and their minds nearly numb, then it was merely a common symptom of those who were worked for survival. Indeed they were far from what they used to be, but how many could claim to have wealth equal to that of the king under the mountain? While they were rather isolated from others, particularly Fili and Kili, at the end of the day they always returned home to be together. They were doing well. They were together and alive.

If Kili sometimes looked at the eastern sky regretfully or thought of Thorin’s lone figure in the darkness of the Erebor or his sad smile, it didn’t matter much.

* * *

Kili had always preferred solitary hunting, mostly because often times others couldn’t follow his speed and also because he thought others were too loud and scared animals away. He learnt to depend on himself, recognizing danger and seizing opportunities. He knew how to survive in the wild alone for a couple of days, although he was never allowed to practice that knowledge by Dis. When hunting alone Kili was always disappeared behind a tree or a bush the moment the sunlight penetrated the tall trees and reached the forest floor and reappeared just before it was too dark to continue, eager to spend time in the forest and perhaps catching a few extra game to be sold for saving. It was exciting to be on his own in the middle of the forest but there were benefits from having others with him, especially when the hunted prey was big.

Kili stilled his body as a rustling sound was heard from somewhere behind the bushes tens of feet in front of him and his hunting group. He could tell that this wasn’t a small animal, although he needed to inspect to make sure it wasn’t any dangerous animal such as bears. Kili nodded to Fili then made a sign that he would be going ahead to see the animal. Fili frowned and seemed to want to stop him, but Kili had leapt away, skillfully avoiding anything that might made startling sound and going against the direction of the wind. He slowed down his steps when he neared a clearing where a stag was peacefully eating grass. The animal was big and strong, its antlers beautiful. From experience, Kili knew it would put up a good fight and could easily outrun the fastest dwarf.

Kili rolled his eyes when he heard cracking woods behind him. Fili had convinced them that they were quite good hunters, but now Kili wondered how these dwarfs ever managed to hunt anything in their lives. The noises stopped when the stag raised its head curiously. It waited for a few seconds, looking around and sniffing the air for any sign of predator. When the silence resumed, the animal continued to eat, but it’s more cautious than before, aware that something wasn’t right. Mildly annoyed, Kili looked back and signed the hunting party to keep quiet. They had gotten so close to the animal and he would hate to waste this opportunity.

Fili approached Kili, thankfully quieter than other hunters, Fili’s friends and coworkers who were eager to share the fruit of Kili’s skills. He opened his mouth to speak but changed his mind, signing instead to ask about Kili’s plan. He paid close attention to Kili’s orders and repeated them to their three companions behind them. They nodded and slinked away, disappearing from view. Silently, the dwarfs dispersed to key positions.

The stag made a fearful sound when Kili’s arrow pierced it. It ran from the clearing, but not before several other arrows were embedded in its body. The silence in the forest was broken as the stag galloped away and the dwarfs uncovered themselves from their hiding place with a battle cry.

“Get it!” Fili shouted.

Kili led the chase. His eyes flickered around him to find tracks and signs of the direction the stag was taking. He could hear other dwarfs behind him, shouting to rally each other. Used to the terrain, he was barely out of breath even as he leapt over rocks and weak soils and sharply veered to avoid trees and bushes. He recalled seeing at least four arrows finding their marks so the stag couldn’t possibly get very far before pain and exhaustion slowed then stopped it. Hopefully all the noise and the scent of blood hadn’t drawn the attention of predators. So, Kili continued to run, leaving his companions behind. Their voices were dim in the distance when he finally saw the stag again. Kili pulled out his knife as he came closer to the slowing stag, its fur now covered in red. It was clearly in pain but was determined to live. It wouldn’t be easy, but Kili couldn’t wait for the other hunters to help him. Gritting his teeth, Kili gave himself one last push and caught the stag. The strength he had reacquired with construction work in the Lonely Mountain aided him in wrestling the much larger animal to the ground. With his knife, he stopped the animal’s struggle. It was dead when the other dwarfs finally reached Kili’s side.

As the hunters skinned the stag, Kili removed his bloody clothes. Unfortunately the nearest stream was half an hour away so he couldn’t remove the blood immediately. It would definitely leave stain on his clothes. He winced, thinking of how much it would cost to buy a new set of clothes. It was fortunately that he was a hunter and no one (except for Dis) expected him to look sharp all the time.

“Good work, Kili!” Fili said, patting Kili’s back. “We should celebrate this later. A few tankards of ale after a long day sound wonderful, don’t you agree?” Fili grinned when his friends shouted their agreement. “Do you want the antlers? Those could worth quite a bit or we can hang it at home.”

“Is that all right?” Kili asked hesitantly, looking back at the other dwarfs behind them.

Fili nodded, smiling. “I’m sure it is. We owe this hunt to you.”

“Well, then, I think they’ll look good above the fireplace,” Kili replied with a happy grin.

“Or your room,” Fili added, “I’ll tell the lads. You should clean yourself. You look like you’re the prey rather than the hunter.”

Fili laughed when he avoided Kili’s attempt to shove him. When they returned home a few hours later, Kili proudly carried with him a blood-soaked shirt, beautiful antler, and a large amount of meat. He quickly changed into a clean set of clothes then rejoined his brother and fellow hunters. The sky had just turned dark and workers were returning from work to seek pleasure in the hearths of the homes or taverns when they headed toward the town. Kili laughed and joked all the way, excited to see Ered Luin at night again.

It was his first time going to a tavern since he returned to Ered Luin. Fili occasionally went with his friends from the forge, but Kili had never joined him and he didn’t have anyone to accompany him. It had been so long since he last saw a proper night life in Ered Luin and he was quite pleased to know it hadn’t changed much. Predictably, there were a couple new taverns and some old ones were closed. However, there were familiar drunken laughter and music coming from the establishments, softly for now but Kili knew they would grow in volume as the night wore on.

They went to a rather small tavern, not one of the ones Kili used to visit years ago, but he didn’t mind. The small group ordered cheap ale and food; the celebratory atmosphere helping to mask the less-than-stellar taste of the servings. Smoke filled the room as the patrons unwound from long hard day at work, chatting and joking with friends and lovers to ease their burden. Kili couldn’t escape the influence, growing more relaxed around his new friends, forgetting politeness and mannerism for the moment.

“Slow down, Kili,” Fili scolded when Kili accidentally spitted the food in his mouth when he laughed at a joke.

“Come on, Fili! It’s been a while since I go to taverns!” Kili complained, wiping his mouth.

“He’s right, Fili. Give the lad a break. He deserves some fun after today’s hunt!” Nyr, one of their companions, said with a grin.

Fili shook his head, smirking. “All right, but I’m not carrying you if you’re too drunk and full to walk home.”

Kili frowned. “I can handle some ale just fine!” To prove this, he finished a full tankard without a pause. A cheer erupted in their table when he set the tankard down with a loud thud. He looked around to ask for more drink but all of the servers were busy. “Is it usually like this crowded?” He wondered.

“It is more crowded than usual,” Fili agreed, also unsuccessfully trying to catch the servers’ attention. The tables were all occupied and the spaces between them were filled with dwarfs who stood drinking ale. Sitting down, they were barely seen by the servers.

“Oh, haven’t you heard?” Nyrath, Nyr’s son, wondered out loud. “Dain has selected a new lord for Ered Luin! Everyone was excited for him! I guess they’re celebrating early!”

Kili looked up from his meal, surprised. Beside him, Fili echoed his reaction. They had distanced themselves from any matter related to their past duties as princes. They barely knew what happened in Middle Earth, what battle or conflict was taking place, what truce was being established. As long as it didn’t directly influence their day to day life, they had little interest in it. Busy with their new lives, they had forgotten how large the scope of politics was. They could stay away from it but it was impossible to escape it.

As Nyrath happily explained, Lord Hagan was related to the line of Durin and had made a name for himself in his home, Ered Mithrin, serving Dain. His achievements were numerous, earning himself the position as one of Dain’s most trusted advisors. While most of Ered Luin had never heard of his name before, with his appointment as the new lord, information began to flood in. Everyone was speculating on what kind of lord he would be and what changes he would bring and, of course, what changes they should propose to him.

“It took him a while, didn’t it? Balin has been sent to Moria two years ago,” Brimir, a dwarf with intricately braided grey hair, thought out loud.

Nyrath nodded. “For a moment I thought it would be one of the Durin’s Folks who stay here.”

Nyr unsubtly elbowed his son and the dwarfs fell silent awkwardly, avoiding Kili and Fili’s eyes. They had been kind enough to treat them as if they had always been working dwarfs in Ered Luin. However, unfortunately and understandably, the past was a topic which couldn’t always be avoided, least of all when discussing politics. Kili wetted his dry lips nervously.

“Well,” Fili began, breaking the uncomfortable silence, “I hope he can solve the problem with your family land, Nyr. How is it? Have you finally gotten your pesky cousins to give you your inheritance?” He asked.

Nyr huffed. “Those greedy bastards wouldn’t listen to reasons! They say I can’t be trusted with my rights! Well, what do they know? They never bother to see how I’m doing!” He said angrily. Beside him Nyrath nodded in full agreement.

As Nyr and Nyrath ranted, the other hunters nodded along with sympathy and gave their contributions on how to solve the problems and hopes for the best outcome. Kili finally caught a waiter’s attention and ordered another round for all of them, further fueling the discussion until late at night when Fili announced that he needed rest for work the next day, much to the protests of his still energetic coworkers. Not wanting to be left on his own in case the topic returned to the king’s family, Kili went along with him and made excuses about Dis. Unlike Fili, Kili wasn’t tactful enough to divert attention from unwanted topics. Most likely he would say something he shouldn’t have and he didn’t want to think of the possibility of being banished from his home. He was relieved when he and Fili finally left the tavern.

Even on the street, Kili could hear people talking about the new lord of Ered Luin. Some who noticed their presence looked at them pointedly and whispered. Kili didn’t know what they were saying and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Thankfully, Fili seemed to feel the same. Kili and Fili walked quietly and briskly home, not happy to be on the receiving end of stares. It was only when they reached the quieter edge of the town that Kili dared to slow down and took a deep breath. Still, he looked around to ensure nobody was listening before he spoke.

“Have you ever heard of Lord Hagan?”

Fili shook his head slowly. “No, not that I recall. But if he was still related to Durin line, he would surely be welcome here. If it were complete stranger, I don’t think he would be very well-received no matter how excellent he is. Erebor has become the center of power and wealth again, but there is still great historical and personal significance here in Ered Luin. It has to be someone who understands the importance of Ered Luin to dwarfs in addition to having good leadership skill,” Fili replied thoughtfully.

Kili looked at the tall gate leading to Thorin’s Hall, his old home. There was a weak tug of longing in his heart but he didn’t heed it. He didn’t belong there anymore. “We never know for sure about the acceptance. Power and gold have powerful effect on the hearts of dwarfs.”

The brothers fell quiet as their minds returned to the madness they had witnessed corrupting the Company. Lust for the valuable had overcome sensibility. It had so easily corrupted the hearts of the most honest and honorable, turning them into selfish creatures who cared only for their happiness and ignored consequences of their actions. They knew the nature of dwarfs made it possible to be repeated. They could only hope it would happen in Ered Luin.

“Do you think Thorin has known?” Kili asked quietly.

Fili glanced at him. His lips twisted and he nodded stiffly. “Most likely. We never did ask what he talked about with Dwalin and Dain when he wasn’t with us.”

Kili thought of the crown and throne Thorin had fought for but now couldn’t have. Not only his birthright, now the colony he had brought to prosperity had been taken away from him. “Do you think he agrees with this decision?”

Sighing, Fili replied, “I don’t know. But I don’t think his personal feelings on this matter were considered.” Seeing Kili’s grim look, Fili slung an arms over his brother’s shoulder. “Regardless, it doesn’t concern us,” Fili said loudly.

“We live here. It does concern us,” Kili argued.

Fili gave him an amused look. “Very true. Still, we are only a small aspect of it-smaller than others, if anything. Let’s hope Dain have chosen the best dwarf.”

Kili knew Dain would make the best decision. From his few interactions with the king, he knew that he was a wise dwarf. Kili studied Fili’s nonchalant expression and, realizing that Fili knew this as well, calmed down. Dain and Lord Hagan were now responsible for their people. The fate of the people of Ered Luin wasn’t in Fili and Kili’s hands anymore. The burdens they were born with were gone. There was no need to unnecessarily trouble themselves with thoughts of the welfare of hundreds. Their focus now was on how to survive, a subject more than enough to pressure someone. Kili began telling Fili what his plan with his share of today’s hunt and his plan for the next day. Everyone, regardless of occupation and political position, had responsibilities and Kili intended to perform his to himself and his family as best as he could.

* * *

“What do you think?” Fili asked, showing a swath of silver fabric to Kili.

Kili looked at it and shrugged. “It’s pretty.”

Fili glared at him. “You’re not helping, Kili.”

“Well, I don’t know anything about clothes!” Kili said to defend himself.

Kili always had little care for fashion and the likes. In the past, he left the choices of designs and fabrics to his mother, only asking something comfortable to wear to a hunt. It wasn’t to say he didn’t know how to appreciate beautiful clothes. He liked, for example, fine battle gears and formal robes and dresses worn during balls and official events. However, his priority had been practicality and that hadn’t changed.

Fili muttered complaints under his breath and inspected other fabrics. Kili would’ve suggested taking Dis to the seamstress instead if not for the fact that they were purchasing a dress as a surprise for her. He and Fili had argued for days about a proper gift for their mother. They had crossed out jewelries as those were expensive and likely would see no use. They thought of buying her a fiddle but she had always preferred the one given to her by Vilir. They finally settled for a dress after seeing how Dis kept the dresses given to her by Vilir in a locked chest, never to be worn. The dress wouldn’t be something to wear to royal events, but still something to be worn with pride, the envy of all their neighbors. Just because Dis no longer lived in the beautiful Thorin’s Hall and had no more title to announce her by and maid waiting on her, it didn’t make her any less than the Princess of Erebor.

While Fili tried to select the material for the dress, Kili explored the shop. There were rows upon rows of fabrics of any material, color, and pattern imaginable. Kili could easily see why this was the seamstress preferred by the Durin’s Folk in Ered Luin. The range of selection was beyond imagination. The way mirrors were positioned just so on the wall with chandelier hanging over it showed that the shop aimed to customize for each customer. The polished wooden furniture showed the clientele the shop was used to. The dark blue marble reminded Kili that he was no longer part of that clientele.

Kili looked at a sky blue fabric under his hand. It was cool and soft to touch. It would complement dark hair and gold jewelries very well. Dark fur of the finest quality could give a more somber impression, signify importance, but the lighter color of the fabric would soften it, indicate the kindness hidden underneath. Kili imagined it would wave and move beautifully with the wearer, perfect for a dance in a marble hall lighted by hundreds of candles to songs of the beauty of the Lonely Mountain.

Noticing the sharp gaze sent his way by one of the shop attendants, Kili pulled his hand away from the fabric. He quickly dismissed the fantasy. They couldn’t possibly afford the silk and there would be no ball to attend. It was one thing to occasionally indulge oneself and another to unnecessarily spend hard-earned essential resources in the name of pointless fantasy. There was no good in wasting precious coins for something that would never be.

“What do you think about this one?” Fili asked, holding up a violet fabric. It wasn’t silk but still finely made and felt soft under Kili’s curious hands. It could make a beautiful dress, but nothing too out of ordinary from the dresses of most ladies in Ered Luin.

Kili nodded, grinning. “This is perfect.”

Fili nodded, pleased that his choice was met with approval. “Do you still have Mistress Dis’s measurements?” He asked the seamstress.

The seamstress nodded hesitantly. “I do, but are you sure? This is a very good fabric …”

“We’re sure,” Kili interrupted with a smile. He tapped the pouch hidden in his coat, creating unmistakable sound of coins bumping against each other. It was a result of months of hard work in the forge and hunting animals to be sold for fur and meat. He predicted that he didn’t currently have enough to pay the seamstress but she didn’t need to know that. It might not be much, but Kili refused to let others looked down on the fruit of their labor.

Beside him, Fili smiled charmingly. “We’ll take it.”

The brothers glanced at each other when the seamstress turned her back to them, saying that it might take a while because she had other orders to do, but kept their opinions to themselves. Fili grabbed Kili’s hand and pulled them out of the shop once their business was over, as if worried that Kili might do something regrettable. The younger dwarf glared at his brother but said nothing. At least until they were away from the shop.

“Fili, I’m not going to do anything stupid. You can let me go,” Kili huffed in annoyance.

Fili glanced at him. Seemingly satisfied with whatever he saw in Kili’s face (probably annoyance at being treated like an unruly child), he released his hand. “That wasn’t very polite of you,” He mildly chided.

Kili scowled. “What? She started it,” He said, not managing to fully erase the petulant note in his voice.

Fili chuckled and patted his back. “You can’t blame her for doubting whether we can afford to order a dress. Look at us.”

Indeed they looked far from wealthy or even well-to-do. Their clothes looked worn from many uses, torn in places, and stained from the occupations they had taken. The coats they wore to protect themselves from the harsh winter which had barely passed were unkempt and were made of poor quality fur. The beads holding Fili’s braids were made of the cheapest metal and only a stripe of cloth held Kili’s hair. There was dirt under Kili’s nail and strong smell of metal and ash on Fili. Still, it didn’t excuse the rudeness of questioning their ability to purchase.

Fili squeezed Kili’s arms lightly, smiling gently at him. Kili frowned at him for a moment but then sighed. “The dress better be really good.”

“It will be good, Kili.”

Kili looked at his brother and nodded. It would be good. Dis would certainly love it. She would laugh in delight and for a moment forget the hardship which was now her day to day life. Seeing that would be worth the hard work and insults they received. Fili was rarely wrong, and this wouldn’t be one of those rare times. It would be really good.

* * *

They rarely had any guests. Once in a while Dis invited their neighbors for tea but otherwise the small family kept to themselves. So, Kili was surprised when he came home from hunting and heard voices from the sitting room, too quiet to be Nyr or any of their boisterous neighbors. As he came in through the back door, he didn’t know they had any visitor. Curious, he left his game in the kitchen and went to the sitting room. A female voice, sad and soft, drifted to him, stopping him just before he entered the room.

“You don’t have to stay. You do know this, don’t you?” A dwarf lady said.

Kili recognized her as one of his distant relatives who once lived in Thorin’s Hall. He didn’t know her and her husband beside her well, but he knew their sons who were a few years older than Fili. Her words cut, but still Kili couldn’t help but strained his ears. He had never heard of himself and Kili being talked about as anything other than unimportant strange dwarfs. He knew this wouldn’t be kind but he felt he had to know. His hands clenched tightly into fists on his sides as he listened.

“The ritual only applies to your sons, not you,” The husband said, loud and cold. Kili shivered, his mind tried to pull him back to the forest, but his body refused to move, rooted to the spot.

“I know, but I choose to stay with them. After what happened, I can’t bear to let them out of my sight,” Dis said. She sounded gentle as always, but she spoke slower, carefully weaving her words. There was a question at the end of her speech, uncertainty, fear.

The lady spoke again. “I understand that completely. When I heard that my sons…” She stopped, creating a silence that chilled Kili to the bones. He shook, his legs weak, but guilt forced him to remain standing to hear his crime.

Her husband continued for her. “They are grown lads, Dis. Sooner or later they will leave to start their own lives. There is no need for you to stay with or for them. What can they do for you, after all? I’ve heard that one works at a small smithy and another is a small-time hunter. Why would you forsake your birthright for life in misery?”

“Those are respectable occupations!”

“Their best trade is in the matter of death. And it appears that it hasn’t changed. One makes weapons and another kills for a living,” He spoke again, his tone sharpened by grief, silencing Dis’s defense. She bowed her head, guilt coloring her face. “They are dead, Dis. Us, the living, must continue our lives, not follow ghosts. Come with us to Erebor. Dain will be happy to have you back.”

“But they are not dead,” Dis said quietly, weakly.

The male dwarf lifted his sharp eyes from Dis and directed them to Kili. His gaze burnt with paternal fury. His mouth twisted as he bit out these words: “They should.”

Kili left before Dis replied, barely remembering to take the game to hide his arrival. He traveled back to the forest to seek solace in nature. He walked without thinking, his body knowing well the path he was traveling. He expertly avoided soft soil, uneven grounds, and hidden drops. Only a glance was spared when rocks became more prominent feature around him as he climbed the mountain. His breathing barely grew heavy despite the extra effort he now must put on his steps. Before he knew it, he reached his favorite tree. It was the first time he came there since his return to Ered Luin. The tree still stood as tall and strong as he remembered, a silent guardian by a cliff.

Kili put the game down and climbed the tree with certain grips and footings. It made noises as he took his weight higher, seemingly signaling a collapse. Leaves rustling above seemed to indicate instability. Kili was panting when he reached a thick sturdy branch. He sat on it motionlessly, leaning back against the strong trunk. He looked at the view before him, waiting for the excitement that usually came with surveying his home. It didn’t came.

The view was similar to what he had seen in his dream, only paler, dimmer. Fields and forest lay below, the color of green struggling to return. The sky was clear blue, mostly cloudless. Ered Luin looked like it came from a painting; a pretty miniature buildings and expanse of fields in early spring. Kili couldn’t see or hear people from all the way up there, but he knew they were there, traveling the streets, chatting with friends and family, alive and happy. Smoke rose from chimneys in the town below. In one of those buildings Fili was working, unaware of the choice presented to Dis. Kili couldn’t see his house from the mountain. He didn’t know whether the guests were still there and whether they left alone or with an additional passenger. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Kili rose to his feet and carefully made his way to the end of the branch. The wood creaked under his weight but held. He stopped when he could go no further, the branch too small and weak to be stepped on, as a small crack warned him. Wind caressed his skin, clothes, and hair. The ravine gaped beneath him, sharps rocks stared at him eagerly. A small voice in the back of Kili’s head told him a small wind could knock him off his feet so he stilled, calling for the strength that had helped his survive his entombment and then walked away from what should be his home, leaving one of the most important dwarfs in his young life. He looked at the glaring sun above and closed his eyes, letting nature swayed him, brokenly humming Thorin’s song.

* * *

“It’s too expensive.”

“I’m sorry lad, but we don’t need any fur.”

“You should sell it immediately, the meat will be bad soon. But we don’t need any today.”

Every refusal now seemed to be designed to slowly kill him and his family. Swift beheading was preferable to this torment: Pushed away from the society, denied the means to survive. He now realized how his closeness to Dain in Erebor had made life much easier to bear. Now, far from the king, he had no one to rely on, no one to protect and help him. Fear for himself and his family choked Kili as he waited for the next potential customer, if there was any. He turned his eyes to the sky, begging for pity for Dis who had forsaken wealth and comfort for her sons, who had taken hardship and suffering because of their incompetence. He begged forgiveness for himseld and Fili who had been forced to obey, never introduced to the option of deviating from a king’s orders. Kili couldn’t say these words out loud and even if he could, he didn’t think anyone would listen. There was no point in begging and being angry. If anything, it would only do him harm. The best he could do was to keep his head up and try and try until he truly couldn’t anymore or until others finally saw his sincere desire to be a brand new dwarf.

Despite his love for the forest, Kili understood why many dwarfs found solace among earth and stones. As he climbed the mountain until the town and his troubles seemed small and distant. The earth under him and the rocks around him were sturdy and strong, supporting him and protecting him. The endless blue sky above him reminded him of endless possibility. Up in the mountain he finally found some peace from the hatred and indifference of others.

In the mountain he would sit on the ground, his back against a warm rock, under the sun, his legs hurt from the climb, the palms of his hands raw from hard work. He would think of Thorin in the clutch of dragon’s sickness and how he had stood by his side, quiet. He would think of river of blood and mountain of dead bodies. He would think of those who lost their loved ones forever. He would think of the tomb, so cold and quiet and devastating. He would think of Thorin in Erebor and himself and Fili here in Ered Luin.

Sometimes thoughts of giving up trying to start a new life came to him and he thought of Dis, so happy to be reunited with her sons, and Fili, so happy to be allowed choices of his own. He thought of their uncertain future and the still unclear identity he had given himself. He thought of the dreams he wanted to realize-dream of survival and life in peace and contentment with those he loved. He would survive this-he had to! With this in mind, Kili gathered his shaky strength and returned to his new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is mostly ready but not yet edited. So far it's 13k words long and I have a feeling I will add a lot of things to it. Wish me luck.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To prepare for the new lord's arrival, Kili, Fili and Dis returned to Thorin's Hall. While there, Kili revisited the past for the last time and discovered a secret Thorin had kept from everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a while. What can I say, I've been very busy at work. Anyway, this is the chapter when I went a little crazy. I kept adding stuff and changing the last 2 sections. Enjoy?
> 
> For updates (because ao3 hides my fics sometimes) please follow me on tumblr. My username is demonessryu and though I don't post/reblog much, I spend a lot of time procrastinating there.

Excitement enveloped Ered Luin when news reached them that the new lord Dain would arrive within two months. Preparations were made to welcome him. Feasts were planned, songs were created, dances were practiced, streets and houses cleaned and decorated. After the battle and being abandoned without a lord for over two years, many called his arrival the revival of Ered Luin. With the rapid development of Erebor under the reign of king Dain, they expected similar result from his chosen dwarf.

However, despite the air of optimism surrounding Ered Luin, Kili was apathetic regarding the development. Politic wasn’t his field anymore, survival was. Speculating Hagan’s future performance wouldn’t bring food to their table, working would. Kili focused his attention and energy to his jobs. Hunting, enjoyable as it might be, didn’t give him enough money and Kili had decided to resume his old occupation in Erebor, offering his strength to anyone who might need it for any number of coins they’re willing to give. Nearly daily his back ached from carrying bricks and stones, his hands rough from using heavy tools, his body bruised and cut by recklessness and lack of safety, his mind numb from thoughtless orders and exhaustion, but it’s a numbness he welcomed. It made the life he used to lead seemed even more distant, a half-remembered dream (or nightmare as the case could be sometimes in both sleep and wakefulness, but Dis needn’t to know that). It was for the best. A moment spent recalling the past might cost them a living and that was the last thing they needed. They had now, this minute, this second, and they couldn’t let it go to waste. Dis, however, had another idea.

“We should go to Thorin’s Hall,” Dis announced suddenly during dinner one night. “They are readying it for Hagan’s arrival, but there are still many items left in our old rooms-items of a rather private nature.”

Fili and Kili looked at their mother in surprise. They barely ever spoke of their past safe for short conversations on the fates of their relatives. They didn’t need a reminder of their lives as royalties. Seeing the closed gates of leading into the Blue Mountain was enough. “Private items?” Fili repeated for clarification.

Dis nodded. “I have only carried what’s important to me, but I didn’t disturb your and Thorin’s belongings. I’m worried that there might be things others must never know. We need to dispose them to make space for the new lord of Ered Luin.”

Despite his growing detachment from his past, Kili’s heart still clenched at the thought of the precious sentimental items from time that wouldn’t return. But what right did a mere hunter and cheap labor had on those beautiful items? “I understand.” Kili nodded, though he couldn’t help the sad twist of his expression. By his side, Fili looked at him in concern, as he often did lately. He patted Kili’s back, surreptitiously searching for tense and sore muscles. No doubt later tonight he would offer to give a massage although he, too, needed the same kindness if not more. Kili gave Fili an assuring nod. There was no point in burdening Fili with the knowledge that it wasn’t only physical exhaustion which drained his joy. Kili could handle tiredness well, knew how to alleviate it on his own. However, knowing that some dwarf detested them enough to want them to die had no treatment that he knew of. This, though, was something Kili must keep to himself. Fili already had to face ungrateful customers and work in difficult conditions not befitting his skills. Kili mustn’t hurt him further.

“What kind of things are we looking for?” Fili asked once assured that Kili was all right.

“We are only given one day so we have to be quick. You should dispose everything that gave insight into your private lives: communication with others, for example. Some …” Dis paused, clearing her throat. “There might be some who wish to smear your names, so it would be best to keep the reminders you left there as scarce as possible.”

Kili and Fili looked at each other. They had many fond memories in Thorin’s Hall but the hall also brought to mind past lifestyle, duties, and expectations they had no desire of partaking again. It was more than enough for them to live under the shadow of the Hall; they didn’t wish to have the chance to enter it again. However, they knew this was kindness only few-especially those in their position-could have. If anything, they should be grateful to be given this opportunity instead of having their names ruined further by those who still begrudge them.

Fili answered for both himself and Kili, his jaw was set tensely but he understood the rare opportunity. “We’ll do it.”

* * *

It’s strange to enter Thorin’s Hall through a small door at hidden at the side of the mountain instead of the large grand door. What greeted Kili inside was simultaneously familiar and foreign. The dark blue marble was unmistakably home, but instead of old halls with beautiful carvings and statues, there were simple rooms where the staff worked to maintain what used to be the home of the lords and ladies of Ered Luin. While the dwarfs there looked busy, Kili had a feeling that their duties weren’t as urgent or numerous as before. Like the rest of Thorin’s Hall, it was just a shadow of what used to be, its spirit having departed to Erebor along with many Durin’s Folks.

Some dwarfs looked at Kili and Fili curiously, but most ignored them as if they weren’t there. It didn’t bother Kili much. Only weeks ago, he would take such open treatment to heart, but now he knew ignorance was better than cold bitter hatred. He avoided eye contact in case someone directed angry gaze toward him and he kept to himself, a response he discovered was most acceptable for someone in his situation.

Dis distracted the staff from Fili and Kili’s unnatural presence. Here, more than anywhere else in Ered Luin if not Middle Earth, she was still seen and always would be seen as the daughter of Thrain, princess of Erebor. While no one brought up her decision to renounce her title or tried to persuade her to return to the Hall, these still lingered in the air, loud in the awkward pauses and pointed ignorance toward her sons, making Kili and Fili listless. It took Dis a moment to assure everyone that she was indeed all right and explain she had personal business to settle there. Loyal as ever, they offered help (although Kili wondered whether they would still be as earnest if they knew who they would be heling and for what purpose), but Dis refused them. Once she had ensured that she and her sons wouldn’t be disturbed, she approached Fili and Kili.

“Let’s visit Vilir.”

Kili’s steps were slow as he followed Dis and Fili into the dark depth of the Blue Mountain. His hands shook slightly although the presence of others calmed him a little. Unlike the dark path leading to the tomb in Erebor, here hot torches lighted the way. It was still eerily quiet, however. Kili, who had gotten used to listening to the sounds of nature and the bustle in the market, found the silence unnerving. It was quite a relief when they arrived at the destination, a stone door guarding the dark chambers where the remains of Durin’s Folks were kept.

Dis stopped before a dark room. Though torchlight didn’t shed any light into the space, Kili knew there were three empty sarcophaguses there, one for Thror whose remains was defiled by orcs, another for Thrain who was missing, and the last one for Frerin who perished in war. Like the three sarcophaguses in the depth of the Lonely Mountain, these were also here for the ceremonial purposes, they were a reminder of the past, lessons to learn. Kili wondered what bleak lesson one could learn from his tomb in Erebor.

Fili and Kili never knew these three dwarfs. They had learnt Thrain and Thror’s policies and legacies, but didn’t know them personally. As dwarfs, just as with Frerin, Fili and Kili knew them from stories Dis had told. She had told many stories of a loving grandfather and a loved king. She had spoken of private moments when Thror hadn’t had the weight of his crown upon his head and reflection of gold in his eyes and the grief in her heart on the day news reached Ered Luin of his death. Dis had also told them about her loving but distant father who walked in Thror’s shadow, a father she had respected and longed for, her regret for not being able to help him defeat the ghosts haunting him until it’s far too late and he disappeared. More than anything, Dis had told him of a tale of a young prince adored by all, who carried all admirable dwarf traits, who passed away at an age far too young while serving his people and his family; Frerin who had fallen in an honorable way, outnumbered by frightened enemies.

Kili and Fili quietly as Dis sang ancient songs of praise for warriors whose courage in battle gained them place in the afterlife by the side of previous kings and legendary heroes. She caressed the statues on the lid of the sarcophaguses. One depicted a very young dwarf, much younger than Kili, with braided long hair and beard, wearing a robe which looked far too large on his young frame. In one hand he held a sword and in the other an axe, both looked too large for him yet strangely fitting for a warrior prince who passed away in a battle. The statue of Thrain showed as he was last seen-or rather, perceived- a tall dwarf in armor, royal robe and a crown which Kili couldn’t help but noticed were different from what he had seen on the lid of Thorin’s sarcophagus in Erebor. Though beautiful, they were simpler, having fewer details, undeniable proof that they had lost a significant amount of fortune. The eye patch which covered the eye he lost in a battle wasn’t shown. Both his eyelids were closed, as if he was merely sleeping peacefully. It was nothing like what Kili imagined him to be based on Dis’s stories. In her stories he was always longed for the past and burdened expectations-even more so than Thorin.

The final sarcophagus was the biggest and on top of it was the sculpture of Thrain. Kili swallowed thickly, noticing the similarity with Thorin’s statue in Erebor. They were wearing the same armor, robe, and crown, only instead of the Orcrist, Thrain held a battle axe in his hand. Kili didn’t want to think of the lack of hole in Thrain’s chest, where Thrain would’ve hope the Arkenstone lay. The statue was bigger than the others, even Thror’s, and though it showed how time had taken its toll on him, he still looked as powerful as a powerful dwarf king should. It said something of the haunting his successors experienced, the great legacy people hoped his successors would emulate, the dreams they hoped Thror and Thorin would realize. Kili closed his eyes, grateful that Fili was spared from that particular fate. As the last note of Dis’s song echoed in the chamber, she leaned down and whispered something to three stone ears. She wiped tears from her cheek as she left her family’s side for the last time.

The final resting places for other Durin’s Folks were much simpler. There were rooms for each family, signified by ornate carvings showing their family trade. The next room they visited was one of such rooms. There was no sarcophagus in this room. Instead there was rectangular hole on the stone walls where a stone coffin was placed. It was a tight fit; only a hair breadth was left between the lid and the upper part of the hole. Despite the dim light and the fact that they could only see one side of the coffin, Kili knew well it was made from the finest marble and carved with words of prayers, showing the importance of the dwarf buried there.

This was Vilir’s resting place. He had been a dwarf lord from another region, but after marrying Dis, he had settled in Ered Luin. While legally Dis belonged with his family, for all intents and purposes he had been the one married into the Durin line, especially after Fili was announced to be Thorin’s heir, but he refused to succumb to the anonymity of a king’s in-law and a future king’s father. He had made a name for himself in Ered Luin as a hunter-his aims and strength unparalleled, his knowledge of forests and mountains unsurpassed-before his untimely death. Far from his family, he rested alone in a chamber made especially for him and his family to come. But he would always be alone.

Once again Dis’s voice echoed in the stone chambers, her hums filling the space. In the past, Fili and Kili had sung along with her, but they had no right of it anymore, to call the dwarf resting here as their beloved father. They hummed a prayer but never mentioned their relation, a change impossible to ignore. They had no father anymore. Kili stopped midway, followed by Fili. They couldn’t go on.

As he always did when he was in this room, Kili shivered. His memory of the day they pushed the coffin into the stone hole was still fresh, as was his memory of his discovery of Vilir’s corpse, torn and desecrated. That memory combined with his nightmares in his jail-tomb, nightmares of spidery fingers on his throat, rotting body pulling him into the stone. Kili fought to regulate his breaths as Fili held his hand tightly. Fili was much calmer than Kili, but it didn’t mean he was unaffected. There were sadness and distress in his eyes and the set of his mouth. Those nightmares hadn’t plagued him them, but guilt was an entirely different sort of ghost, one that didn’t require grisly discovery and entombment to call. Though Fili said nothing until the end of the song, Kili understood well what he felt. This would be the last time they visited their father’s tomb and they couldn’t properly respect him as his sons.

Dis sat down on the floor by her husband’s coffin, her back to her sons. When she spoke, her voice cracked. “You should start sorting now. I will meet you at the door.”

Wordlessly, Fili and Kili left their mother. The stone repeated their footsteps and as they exited the tomb, Dis’s sobs bounced from the walls. They didn’t stop or slow down. They went to the halls which once had friendly faces and greeting but were now empty and deserted. Once in a while they saw guards hiding in the shadows, but there was no more relative to be seen although they knew some stayed there.

The area which used to house the royal family of Durin was quiet and deserted. Only a few torches were lit, leaving the space shrouded in darkness not very different from the eerie atmosphere of the tomb. Despite it all, Kili and Fili found their way to their rooms without problem. Guards who used to protect their living quarters were noticeably absent. Either they had deliberately left their posts to give them freedom to move or they didn’t care to protect abandoned rooms. Kili suspected it’s the latter. Kili and Fili parted ways, entering their own rooms, giving each other privacy to say goodbye to their past.

Kili’s old room was completely dark as it had no windows and no one bothered to put candles when no one would come into the room. He lit up the fireplace and surveyed the room by the dancing light of the fire.

It was as he remembered it to be. His bed was made with fur at the feet of his bed and soft blue silk covering the mattress. His desk was uncluttered, his books and stationeries were arranged tidily. On one side of the room, his weapons were in display, beautiful gifts which he hadn’t dared to bring to the quest. Trophies from his hunting and framed paintings were hung on the wall. Next to a wardrobe was a locked chest containing his most precious possessions. Yet, all of the furniture was covered in a thick layer of dust. The room had been prepared for Prince Kili’s return, but he never came back.

Kili looked at the state of his old room in silence, recalling the time he had spent there, both the good and the bad experiences. A lot of his history had taken place or at least had evidence stored here. Fond memories of warm summers and dark winters tugged his heart. He wanted to preserve some of these objects of memory, but he knew he couldn’t. The dwarf prince who owned this room had passed away and Kili, a lowly hunter, had no right to claim any of his possession.

Kili began to sort out the items in the chest. He inspected things from his childhood: silly drawings, dried plants from his first visit to the forest, and even old toys. They were not incriminating, likely not useful for anyone except for him, for whom they served as vessels to his childhood memories. But he had no right for those memories, did he? Kili tossed them to the fire and looked back to the chest.

There was a picture of him and Vilir standing side by side, holding bows and quivers, with the forest as the background and a dying hog before them. Vilir had commissioned an artist to draw this and it was finished a mere week before he passed away. It was supposed to commemorate Kili’s first successful hunt, a wild hog whose head once adorned this room before Dis announced that it was ghastly to look at. In the picture Kili was smiling proudly as Vilir looked at him in approval, his hand on Kili’s shoulder. They were wearing similar outfit, different only in color; the same outfit Vilir had been buried in. Kili stroked his father’s face, trying to remember what it felt like to actually touch his father, but then he saw the hog. Bringer of death, trained from young age, he could hear the hateful ones said. He looked at the pride in Vilir face and closed his eyes, his throat clogged up in regret. Kili’s hand shook as he fed the paper to the fire.

There were letters from lovers who most likely didn’t want him anymore and friends he had lost. He had seen some of them in Erebor and from the looks of it, only a handful thought him fondly. He wondered what became of the letters coming for them. He knew he hadn’t been completely innocent in his private correspondences, writing things no respectable dwarf should even think of. Would they keep them secret? Would they use them to destroy what was left of his memory? Kili could only hope for their kindness to give mercy in his death.

Kili destroyed the letters along with notes he made to himself and books containing random scribbles, those revealing his inner thoughts and emotions. In those notes was a young inexperienced dwarf with no grasp of how terrible the world outside could be. It was a selfish dwarf who didn’t always care for what others wanted or thought, whose world revolved around himself. Some notes criticized his family harshly, pointing out their flaws as if he had none himself. Others were cruel politically-incorrect words directed toward outside forces, those he had deemed threats to his beloved ones. Those were notes from an enraged young politician who understood only consequences of his own immediate situation, but not on the larger scale of the effects he might have on the world. Those were the notes of one who had brought too much destruction to be forgiven.

The fire burnt bright and hot in the room, engulfing papers, wax, and wood. Kili stared at it until his eyes hurt, then he lay on the floor and stared at the dark ceiling, thinking of the years he had spent here, the secrets the walls kept, the dreams he stored here, and how foreign they seemed to him whose life revolved around struggle to sustain himself and his family. It was this position that Fili found him in when he came to the room perhaps an eternity later. The older dwarf glanced at what remained of Kili’s past and offered a dirty hand to him. His eyes looked rather glassy. Kili made no mention of it.

“Let’s clean Thorin’s room,” He said quietly.

Rather hesitantly, Kili took his brother’s hand. He cast one last look around him before following his brother out of the room. Something heavy in his heart sank when he closed the door firmly behind him and for a moment he didn’t think he could walk. But he could, and he followed Fili to Thorin’s room.

Thorin’s room was at least twice the size of Kili’s room. It had its own sitting area and a study area where documents and books were located, showing how often he had carried on working when he should’ve rested. Unlike Kili’s rooms where there were several paintings on the walls, Thorin’s room was decorated by interconnected carvings that formed a web of symbols, statues, and words of prayers and poems. His bed, where the frame was gilded with gold just as other furniture in the room, was massive. Kili rarely entered the room but every time he was called there he had always been staggered by the beauty of the craftsmanship, and this time was not an exception.

Fili sighed, seemingly completely disinterested in the view. “This will take a while. I’ll look at the sitting area. You can do the sleeping area.”

Even with two people at work there was still so much to do. Thorin kept so many things and neither Kili nor Fili knew which was important and which wasn’t. The fireplace roared as they destroyed anything which might have any personal meaning to Thorin. The documents required more care as they had to ensure that they didn’t burn anything important. However it seemed like Thorin had put away the important documents elsewhere because they only found rough drafts of orders for the household while he was away on the quest, so they burnt most of them.

Kili sneezed when he checked the bedside table which was covered in a thick layer of dust. Naturally, the items in the drawer were more personal. There were letters Kili dared not read and pictures he only glanced at briefly. He saw enough to know they were letters from friends, Thror and Thrain and pictures of his family. Kili collected the letters and pictures to be destroyed. It was then that a small metal box, hidden at the back of the drawer behind other objects, caught his eyes. Kili opened it and found only two objects, a rolled sheet of paper and a tiny leather pouch.

Kili’s breath was caught when he unrolled the paper. It was his picture drawn with coal. It was a simple picture with no background, just himself looking at an unseen point before him. He recognized the image as similar to a painting of himself with Dis and Fili in honor of Fili’s coming of age. The dark lines were slightly smudged, as if one had often traced them with his fingers. Below the image was Kili’s name, the letters also rather unclear, perhaps having been subjected to the same treatment as the image.

With unsteady hands, Kili picked up the pouch and spilled the contents into his hand. He swallowed thickly as he recognized them as silver beads he had given to Thorin as a present decades ago. They were roughly made-the surface not smooth, the symbols and decorations barely legible-as he had only had little practice with metalwork. He recalled handing the gifts with profuse apology and promise to try better next time. Thorin hadn’t seemed to mind. No, he hadn’t minded at all. _I love it;_ _I’ll keep it_ , he had assured Kili with a smile in his lips and eyes, smile he seldom showed to anyone but Kili. And he had kept the promise.

“Do you need help?” Fili asked from the other side of the room.

Hurriedly, Kili rerolled the paper and put the beads back into the pouch. “No,” He replied as calmly as possible, hoping that Fili was too distracted by his own task to notice anything unusual in Kili’s demeanor. “I can manage,” He whispered.

Kili stared at his discovery. More than anything he had found in his old room, Kili wanted to keep the scroll and the beads due to illogical thought that he might find an answer to questions now filling his mind. What had he missed? How long had this been going on? And, most importantly, had he hurt Thorin more than he initially thought? In his mind’s eyes he saw snippets of moments he spent with Thorin and his observation of Thorin. He thought of possible implications behind each expression and word. He thought of himself being one of the people who hurt and ignored Thorin. And he dared say that he cared for Thorin’s happiness?

Firelight burnt Kili’s eyes as flame destroyed the private life of Thorin Oakenshield. He disappeared, son of Thror, grandson of Thrain, brother of Frerin and Dis, uncle of Kili and Fili, the crown prince of Erebor, Lord of Ered Luin, King under the Mountain, a dwarf Kili never fully knew. Kili stood before the fireplace mutely, staring at the flame which engulfed papers, leathers and metal, watching his picture turned to ash and his old present ruined beyond recognition. It was only when Fili threw what he found into the fireplace that Kili was pulled out of his deep thoughts.

Fili looked around them. “Are you finished?”

“Yes,” Kili nodded, avoiding Fili’s eyes.

“Let’s go back then. We shouldn’t keep Mother waiting,” Fili said. He almost sounded calm, but Kili noticed a trace of urgency in his voice, as if he didn’t want to be in the dark Hall for much longer.

Kili didn’t argue. He followed Fili out of the room. Just before he closed the door behind him, he looked at the still burning fireplace and the secrets it had consumed. His heart clenched tightly but he tried hard not to show it. Kili closed his eyes and shut the door.

* * *

Since the final visit to Thorin’s Hall, Kili did his best to act normal and not be lost in thoughts for too long. He tried to focus on his works, but he kept finding his mind drifting to Thorin, what could’ve been and what should’ve been. No matter how much he told himself that it no longer mattered-the picture and beads were burnt and Thorin was half a world away-he still found himself restless and plagued by guilt. Kili could sense that Fili was beginning to suspect, even Dis saw something wasn’t right, and he couldn’t have that. He had burdened enough people.

So, Kili planned a group hunt, hoping to summon the excitement that usually came with the challenging activity while fulfilling his responsibilities. Regardless of how he felt regarding his discovery in Thorin’s old room, he had to earn money and food for his family, and if that came with the added benefit of preventing Fili from extracting information from him and learning what Kili had known, then it’s better. So, Kili organized his usual small group of hunters, consisting of Nyr, Nyrath, and Brimir, and set off to the forest one morning.

Much to Kili’s relief, Fili was unable to join them as he had to work. With others, it was easy to dismiss Kili’s lack of excitement to exhaustion and distract them with the prospect of a good game. Kili quickly led the small group, being the most skillful in finding animal tracks. It didn’t take him very long to start following the trail of a wild hog. From the looks of it, this was a large animal and should be able to satisfy his small group of four. However, hogs put a greater fight than deer and a hog this size had been known to kill dwarfs. Kili hesitated for a moment, torn between the thought of extra coins and meat and the hunters’ safety. He calculated the possibility of catching the animal without receiving fatal injuries. They had number on their side, as well as weapons, while the hog had sheer size and single-minded survival instinct. Kili signaled his companions to be careful and prepare their weapons. This wouldn’t be an easy hunt.

Sun burnt Kili’s nape as he followed the hog’s track for a good hour. They hadn’t seen the hog but Kili could tell that they were getting close. However, perhaps the animal had realized something had gone amiss. It no longer took a path easily followed; instead it walked behind bushes which would warn it of the hunters’ approach. Kili had to carefully choose easier route for them without letting the hog escape from their watch. Behind him, his companions had the good sense of keeping very quiet, but not for much longer.

A deep growl and rustling leaves were the hunters’ only warning. Kili plucked an arrow out of his quiver and took a quick aim. The hog had only taken a few steps out of the tall grass he was hiding behind to attack Kili’s hunting companions when Kili’s arrow pierced its side. As Kili had predicted, it was a very large animal, nearly the length of two adult dwarfs. His arrow had no effect, a mere itch on the fat body that only served to draw attention to him. Quickly, Kili pulled out his sword from its sheath and held it in front of him for defense. He didn’t move when the hog charged toward him. His eyes sought weak points and took into account his rather sorry old sword. His chance of defeating the animal in just a couple of moves, reducing the possibility of injury to himself and his companions, was very slim but Kili never retreated from a challenge, even one that might cause him fatal injuries if not death.

The hog shrieked loudly as Nyr’s spear pierced it, the weapon far more effective than Kili’s arrow. Brimir’s spear followed but didn’t pierce as deeply. It fell as the animal took flight, realizing that it was outnumbered. Not bothering with commands, Kili quickly sheathed his sword and ran after it, followed by the other hunters. They didn’t bother to hide their presence now and the hog, though fast, was impossible to miss, the spear that pierced him bobbed in the air with the animal’s every step. Still, it was a strong stubborn animal. It continued to run deeper and deeper into the forest, screaming in anger and agony all the while. Kili’s legs began to protest from exhaustion, but he refused to give up, even as the trees around him grew denser and the canopy above his head blocked much of the sunlight. When he realized that where his game had brought him to, it was too late.

Brimir’s scream put a halt to Kili’s step. He turned around quickly and saw a large dark grey warg leaping down from a tall stone. The hog’s noises had drawn its attention but it wasn’t the animal it was interested in. Old swords and spears barely phased it as it held a frightened Brimir down to the ground, its teeth dangerously close to the dwarf’s throat. It growled menacingly, its eyes glowed with hunger. Below it, Brimir thrashed around, futilely trying to escape.

Instinctively, Kili drew his arrow and took aim with his bow. Years of training and experience aided him in shooting his arrow right to the side of the warg’s head. The sharp pain threw it off to the side, whimpering loudly. Its noises were soon silenced by Nyr and Nyrath’s weapons but it wasn’t the end of their trouble. Kili’s heart skipped a beat when he heard a familiar howl, the howl that haunted his sleep, the howl he wished and thought he would never hear again.

“Run!” Kili shouted a little too late. From the corner of his eyes he saw the figures of a couple wargs stalking closer. He shot another arrow which but it missed as the warg moved away, hitting its shoulder instead of between its eyes. It cried out in pain but wasn’t deterred at all. If anything, it made the pair seemed angrier. They growled angrily at Kili and jumped down agilely between him and his companions, large teeth bared threateningly as they blocked Kili’s exit route.

“Run!” Kili yelled as he readied another arrow. But this time the wargs were prepared, they ran toward him, not giving him chance to take proper aim. Kili shot haphazardly, succeeding only in grazing a warg’s leg. Cursing loudly, he dropped his bow as it would be useless with the rapidly diminishing distance between him and the beasts. He held his sword in front of him and waited until one of the warg got close enough.

Blood spilled to the ground as Kili’s sword cut a warg’s chest. It skidded to the side to avoid further injury, giving Kili a chance to attack its partner. It was bigger and angrier, unaffected by the sight of Kili’s bloody sword. Kili moved away just in time as it bit thin air where he used to be, but he didn’t anticipate it to whip its large paw. Kili grunted as sharp claws cut his clothes and grazed his abdomen. He could feel his skin tear and blood spilled but didn’t let the injury stop him.

The injured warg used the chance to charge at Kili. While it had been slow, its snapping jaws were still dangerous. Ignoring his wound, Kili ran toward it fearlessly. The beast’s fang stabbed his shoulder, sending pain all over Kili’s body while exposing its vulnerable head to Kili’s sword. Quick reflex allowed Kili to stab the warg’s neck before it could inflict worse injury on him. Thick red blood spurted from the wound, covering Kili. The warg retreated but its fate had been decided.

Kili turned to the remaining warg but he had ignored it for too long. His breath was knocked out of his lungs when he was pushed down to the ground. His sword fell away during the impact. Unarmed, Kili desperately pushed the warg’s deadly jaw away from him but it hardly moved. His arms shook from the effort, his body protesting and screaming in pain, threatening to give up. Kili’s mind was brought to his nightmares in the tomb of wargs’ jaws tearing bodies and claws digging into flesh, of screams of the company in the distance, of helplessness in the mercy of beasts, of searing pain as they prolonged his undignified death. He thought of his father, found not so far from where he was now, blood gushing from too many wounds to count, mouth open in a scream no one heard. He thought of the tomb, much smaller and colder, himself trapped within it withholding pain and fighting for air that slowly ran out.

Kili blinked in surprise as blood suddenly sprayed his face. The warg was pushed away from him by unseen force. There was distinct angry voice which was nearly drowned by the warg’s angry growls and howls. Confusion paralyzed Kili for a moment but he recovered and stood up on unsteady feet and searched the cause of his unexpected survival.

Of all people in Middle Earth Nori was the last person Kili expected to see. The dwarf swung his mace expertly, striking the warg with accuracy, drawing blood with spikes on the mace and his knives. He was a formidable enemy, but a warg was too much for one dwarf to handle. Once recovered from the shock, the beast fought Nori’s attack. One snap of his jaw nearly tore the dwarf’s arm, but his speed and agility saved him.

Without thinking, Kili grabbed his sword and helped Nori. Pain and shock reduced his strength but he made up for it in determination. He couldn’t let Nori die from saving him. He swung his sword, cutting fur and flesh, drawing blood, as at the same time Nori’s mace crush bones. They fought together well, finding a rhythm in death with ease. When the warg finally fell dead to the ground, Kili panted for breath as adrenaline flowed heavy in his veins then slowly diminished. He fell to his knees then, pain finally registered to his brain. He clutched his injured abdomen. When he brought his hand up to his eyes, it was covered by blood.

“Are you all right, lad?” Nori asked urgently, kneeling by Kili’s side. He saw Kili’s bloody hand and cussed. “Can you stand? We need to get away. It’s not safe here.”

Kili sincerely doubted he could-he had lost quite a lot of blood and the fight hadn’t helped. Still, he used his sword to support himself to his feet. Nori was right. This area wasn’t safe. There might be more wargs or even orcs nearby who had been drawn by the noise and the scent of blood. He mustn’t linger. Kili nodded to Nori, clenching his jaw to fight the pain.

Nori slung Kili’s arm over his shoulders and put his hand on Kili’s waist to help him stand up. He gave Kili his mace to help support himself. Kili did his best to walk fast although each step reminded him of his torn skin and flesh. He focused on the thought of Fili and Dis. He couldn’t cause them further grief and leave them to their suffering alone. He had to go somewhere safe.

Thankfully Nori seemed to be familiar with the forest because as time went on Kili found it more and more difficult to focus on where they were and was unable to provide direction. He heard Nori said encouraging words but couldn’t fully decipher the meanings, let alone give a proper reply. He suspected he lost consciousness for a few seconds a number of times, but he was determined not to die. When Nori finally found a safe spot for Kili to rest and be medicated, he heaved a sigh of relief.

Kili let Nori clean his injury and tear his clothes to make bandages to stop his bleeding. He drank the water Nori offered him and splashed some on his face. He didn’t want to fall unconscious and never wake again. To ignore the pain that seemed to envelope his body, he looked around him. He recognized the area as a clearing they had passed earlier, far enough from the shadows to be safe. If one followed his tracks, he would be found and hopefully soon. They weren’t far enough from the shadow area to be completely safe and the scent of blood never called friendly critters.

“You need to see a proper healer,” Nori told him as he tied the bandage tightly around his torso. “You should stop getting yourself in grave danger. You’ve been given a rare second chance. Don’t waste it.”

“But I must safe them,” Kili protested. “I can’t let more people die on my watch.”

Nori gave him a look and opened his mouth to speak but something distracted him. He looked to one direction, frowning in concentration. He then stood up and patted Kili’s uninjured shoulder. “Your rescuers are here. I have to go.”

Before Kili could voice his confusion, Nori had disappeared behind trees and bushes. He closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breath. The pain stabbed his nerves and unconsciousness seemed an irresistible temptation, but he couldn’t lose the fight now. He thought of his small family which had lost far too much-a dead dwarf could do nothing to help them. He thought of his former teachers’ constant reminder to never give in to weaknesses of the body and mind. Though he no longer lived the life they had prepared him for, he must not disappoint them. He thought of Thorin’s expectations and kindness toward him, the picture and beads he had found at Thorin’s bedside and the sad smile he had given Kili in their tomb-questions once more plagued his mind and he wished for a way to find answers or at least a closure for him and his uncle. He wished he could make Thorin happy.

“Kili!”

Kili’s breath stuttered when the voice reached his ears. Relief washed over him. He would always recognize that voice no matter where he was and what kind of condition he was in. Fili was coming for him. It would be all right. His brother was coming. “I’m here!” Kili managed to shout though his voice cracked and not as strong as usual.

Within a short moment Fili rushed toward him, worried lines on his face. There was a sword in his hand but he dropped it the moment he saw Kili. Nyr and Nyrath followed a few moments later but Kili was too tired to acknowledge them. His body grew limp as Fili checked his injury and asked him questions (or was he shouting at him?) and his eyelids closed involuntarily. The last thing he saw was Nori partly hidden behind shadows and plants, looking at him in concern and putting a finger to his lips to signal silence. Then, darkness.

* * *

Thorin lay on his sarcophagus. Instead of royal robe, he was wearing simple civilian clothing from coarse cloth. The sword he held wasn’t the Orcrist but an old rusty sword. His oaken shield was shattered, its pieces were scattered on the green marble floor. His Arkenstone was missing from his chest, leaving a dark hole.

Kili approached him slowly, quietly. His bare feet crushed the old pieces of wood on the floor but he didn’t feel it. He stood beside the sarcophagus, watching Thorin’s peaceful face.

“How long?” Kili asked.

Slowly, Thorin’s eyes opened. He looked at Kili tenderly as he smiled sadly. He sat up and caressed Kili’s cheek with his rough large hand. However, he didn’t reply. Instead, he shook his head, looking at Kili as if begging him not to ask him this question.

“How long?” Kili asked again stubbornly. He frowned when Thorin shook his head again and put his finger on his lips to shush him. Kili grabbed Thorin’s wrist to still him. “How long have I hurt you?”

Thorin looked taken aback. He looked away, sighing quietly. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters!” Kili insisted. “I never wish to… Why didn’t you tell me?”

Thorin studied him. His face was almost blank but Kili still saw sadness lingering at the edges. “What good would it do?” He asked with a bitter smile.

Kili opened his mouth then shut it again, unable to find the correct response. “I might…” He started hesitantly, then stopped.

“Would you?”

Kili shrugged weakly, letting go of Thorin’s wrist. “Maybe.”

There was a sliver of hope in Thorin’s eyes but he was mostly cautious. Kili kept his eyes on Thorin’s with some difficulty, silent and still. He realized that he spoke the truth. ‘Maybe’ wasn’t a proper promise but it’s what he thought. Both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ were lies for he both cared deeply for Thorin but wasn’t aware of what Thorin felt for him and thus unable to respond to it. Some of Kili’s regret must’ve shown because Thorin’s face turned into a blank mask.

“Kili!” Fili called from the darkness around them, his voice slightly muted. “Kili!”

Multiple familiar voices murmured in the dark, saying things Kili couldn’t quite understand. Thorin moved away and Kili quickly grabbed his tunic, unwilling to let him go. However, Thorin gently pried his fingers from his clothes.

“You should go.”

“I don’t want to,” Kili said, shaking his head.

Thorin smiled, not sadly, not angrily, but peacefully. “You should be with your brother and mother.”

Thorin’s calm tone made Kili drop his hand. He looked to the shadow where Dis and Fili were looking at him with expectant smiles on their faces, waiting for him.

“Let’s catch something big! We’ll have a party tonight!” Fili said, smiling widely as he left the shadow to approach Kili. He held Kili’s bow and quiver and offered it to him. Hesitantly, Kili took them. “What’s wrong, Kili? Are you scared?” Fili taunted with a smirk, earning a scowl and a mock punch to his stomach.

Dis laughed, shaking her head at her sons’ antics. “Bring me something delicious but be careful!”

Kili didn’t fight when Fili pulled him to a darkened forest. He looked back to Thorin but the dwarf had disappeared. The sarcophagus he lay on was just a common stone coffin now, its lid without statue. But, on it was a piece of paper containing Kili’s image with silver beads placed upon it. A breeze stirred them and they crumbled to ash which disappeared in the air. Thorin had gone and Kili feared he would never return.

* * *

Kili’s eyelids were heavy when he tried to open him. His body felt similarly heavy and weak. He felt as if he had just awoken from a very long sleep, except that something felt very wrong. Every minute shift of his muscles seemed to shoot pain up his spine. Kili struggled to look past the pain and sensed his surroundings. There were soft voices above and around him and a light weight upon his hand.

“Kili!” Fili exclaimed. He suddenly came to view above Kili. He looked pale and tired, his blond hair in complete disarray and his eyes slightly red. “How are you feeling?”

Kili swallowed to wet his very dry throat. “All right,” He managed to croak out with a half smile.

Above him, Fili visibly relaxed. He leaned down to rest his head on Kili’s shoulder gently. His hand once again found Kili’s and held it tightly. Behind Fili, Dis appeared, his eyes completely red and there were tears running down her cheeks to disappear in her dark beard. Her lips trembled as she kissed Kili’s forehead.

“I thought I’ve lost you,” She choked out. She smiled a watery smile and stroke Kili’s tangled hair.

“Don’t do this again,” Fili added. “Don’t do this to us again.”

“I won’t,” Kili promised, his consciousness fading again. Weakly, he tightened his hold on Fili’s hand to assure him. “Not to you, Mother, Thorin, anyone.”

“Rest,” Dis said, her gentle voice further swaying Kili’s wakefulness. “We’ll talk when you’ve felt better.”

Kili closed his eyes and obeyed.

* * *

Kili had lost a lot of blood but dwarfs are a resilient race. With the help of medicines from a healer, he recuperated. Within a couple of days since he awoke, he could stand and walk slowly around the house, although not without Dis and Fili’s protests.

Much to his relief, his hunting partners had all escaped with nothing more than a few cuts and bruises, nothing that couldn’t be tended on their own. According to Fili, by sheer luck, they had run into Fili who left work early to join the hunt, worried for Kili’s well being. They had been reluctant to return but Fili would have none of it. He forced Nyr and Nyrath to follow him and then to help him bring Kili home. But it seemed to be the end of their willingness to be involved in the matter.

“I owe them my life,” Kili said when Fili heatedly relay to him the story of his rescue.

“And they owe theirs to you!” Fili spat out. There was anger in his eyes accompanied by something else. Pain, Kili realized. “Yet I have to force Nyr and Nyrath to come with me to save you!”’ He said bitterly.

“No, they owed nothing to me,” Kili said to placate his agitated brother, “I led them into danger. It was my obligation to save them from it, but they’re not obligated to do the same for me.”

Fili adamantly disagreed but Kili wouldn’t listen to him. He couldn’t blame the hunters for holding him responsible for the warg attack. They had trusted him. He was supposed to be the most skilled hunter, he was supposed to be their leader, and he had committed a simple but grave mistake. If anything, Kili was grateful they only chose to ignore him instead of demanding his life. He chose to focus on the fact that they at least came to rescue him, if rather unwillingly.

The hunters weren’t the only ones Kili owed his life to. There was also Nori whom Fili never mentioned and never came to visit him. Clearly he hadn’t imagined Nori’s sign for him to keep quiet; it seemed like the dwarf didn’t want to be discovered. Still, Kili felt he owed him a thank you. His neighbors had refused to talk to him, but hopefully Nori didn’t share the same sentiment. So, when Kili had recovered enough to walk further than the threshold of his small house, he went to the forest. Dis and Fili naturally objected, fearing for his condition or, worse, another attack. After repeatedly promising he wouldn’t go too far and to carry Fili’s sword and knives, Kili was finally permitted to go.

Kili wasn’t very worried for his well being. The only reason for the warg attack was that he had carelessly led the hunting party to the dangerous part of the forest. Dark creatures didn’t tend to go far from that area unless on winter when prey was scarce and they competed with hunters for food. As long as he stayed close to dwarf settlement and in places the sun reached, he should be all right.

Still not fully recovered, Kili couldn’t travel far and decided to rest under a tree by the river. He was tempted to hunt a rabbit or two but knew better than to reopen his wounds. It had cost a rather large sum of money to treat him, they couldn’t afford to pay more. Once he fully recovered, Kili had to make up for his slack but for now he would rest, even expressing gratitude had to wait. He leaned against the tree and let the sound of flowing water lulled him. His hand was on Fili’s knife, ready to defend or attack, although he felt that he was safe.

“Glad to see you’re all right, lad.”

Kili opened his eyes lazily and grinned at the dwarf which had materialized beside him. Nori returned his grin. “Thank you for saving me.”

Nori shrugged and sat down next to him. “How are your injuries?”

“Better.” Kili put the knife away, feeling more secure now that he had a company. “Why did you tell me to not tell anyone about you?”

Nori looked slightly uneasy. For a moment Kili thought he would change the topic and kept his silence, but surprisingly he gave an answer. “I was taking care of unfinished private business.”

“In the forest?”

“That’s where I left it.”

Kili suddenly remembered that Nori had had a rather sketchy reputation in Ered Luin. It was never clear to Kili what exactly Nori’s trade was, but he knew enough from Dwalin that it had led to several arrests in the past. Kili didn’t think he needed to do it anymore seeing as he had received his share from the dragon hoard and if his fine outfit was any indication, he was doing quite well. Was he here to finish his ‘business’ or to continue it? Either way, Nori seemed reluctant to explain and Kili didn’t want to press, especially since he owed Nori his life.

“I’m glad you found me on time.”

Nori relaxed at the change of topic. “Don’t think of it. But what were you doing in that part of the forest? I’d think you know better than to go there.”

Nori’s tone wasn’t harsh but Kili felt ashamed nonetheless. He ducked his head. He was a better hunter than that and his father’s death should serve as a strong reminder of something as vital as a dangerous area teeming with violent creatures. “It’s my fault. I was distracted.”

“How strange,” Nori commented, raising one braided eyebrow. “I’ve seen you during your hunts. You didn’t seem to be the type to forget something like this.”

“I… well…” Kili stammered, avoiding Nori’s eyes. He was unable to continue, guilt and embarrassment overcoming him.

Nori studied him for a moment then leaned back against the tree. He pulled out his pipe and a small gold-gilded box containing dried smoking weed. Fragrant smoke reached Kili’s nose seconds later. He hadn’t smelt something this good for a while. He and Fili weren’t able to afford that quality of weed and had settled for much cheaper one. Kili had gotten used to the different smell and taste, but he still missed this sometimes. When Nori offered him his pipe, he gladly accepted. He closed his eyes as warmth filled his lungs and familiar taste lingered in his mouth. When he opened his eyes again, he found Nori looking at him with a mischievous smirk.

“Not bad, eh?” When Kili nodded hesitantly and handed the pipe back to him, he smiled. “How are your mother and brother? I saw them a couple of days ago.”

Kili blinked, not expecting the question. “You went to my house?”

Nori shrugged self-consciously. “Sort of.”

Kili stared at Nori for a second before chuckling. “They’re good. How are Dori and Ori?”

They shared the pipe as they talked about their families and the changes in Ered Luin and news from Erebor. They only briefly spoke of the war and Kili was grateful of the open acknowledgement that it had happened and the refusal to dig into it deeply and unearth healing scars. When they parted a couple of hours later, Kili left with a smile and a happy wave that Nori lazily returned. When he arrived home he was weak, as he hadn’t fully recuperated from his injuries, but happy. He allowed Dis and Fili to chide and fuss over him and slept with his stomach full and heart in somewhat peace.

* * *

Kili grew a habit of secretly meeting Nori in the forest. Nori had many adventures to share and Kili, no matter his age, was always excited to listen to stories. Nori had gone to many places, apparently, and gotten himself into too many troubles to count yet always miraculously managed to escape (though not without some scars as souvenirs). He called himself extraordinarily lucky and crafty and Kili believed him. He regretted not being closer to Nori before, but he supposed their closeness wouldn’t have been approved no matter how innocent the intention.

Kili himself didn’t have many stories to tell. His past no longer existed. He might have been able to get away with closer relatives such as Dain and Dwalin, but Nori was practically a stranger despite the quest. So, Kili only shared the things he had seen in Erebor and his new life in Ered Luin. These were humble and far less exciting stories that Nori’s, but the older dwarf didn’t seem to mind.

Kili was grateful when he became strong enough to hunt again, as he wasn’t allowed to do menial work yet. He was still rather slow and some of his injuries ached when he moved too vigorously but having Nori as a partner made things easier for him. Nori was an efficient hunter, though not quite as skilled as Kili was. He knew where small animals could be found and how to catch them, but seemed uninterested in finding anything bigger than what a dwarf could finish on his own. As thanks, Kili sometimes brought food from home to eat with Nori while they talk or simply enjoy the nature.

Gradually, Kili let his guard down around Nori. He was more relaxed, less worried of rejection. Nori had seen the horror and understood Kili’s situation completely, even if their lives couldn’t be more different now. While Nori was able to bring out Kili’s laughter with jokes and funny stories, he always listened carefully when Kili was being serious. He said little, only offering a few comments and encouragement to keep talking, but this quietness (as opposed to Fili’s reaction which would undoubtedly be great concern) made Kili talk. He began to tell him things he dared not tell Fili, confident of Nori’s ability to keep secrets.

“What am I going to do with my gold? I have plans,” Nori said, looking at the sky thoughtfully. He was sitting beside Kili, leaning against a tree while smoking his pipe. “There’s a big market for fur, silk, and jewelries in human towns in regions usually too dangerous to travel to. But after the battle,” He paused, checking Kili’s reaction. When Kili said nothing, he continued, “It’s become safe to travel there. As far as I know, no dwarf merchant has taken advantage of this yet.”

Kili raised an eyebrow. “You seem to have looked into it.”

Nori made a face as if Kili had said something terrible. “I hope Dori will never know this.”

Kili laughed. “He’ll be proud,” he said, making Nori frown. “It’s good to have plans and goals. I…” He paused, remembering the excitement he had felt when he returned to Ered Luin. The memory was but a shadow now and seemingly unreal. Was there really ever a time when he thought all would be well? “I thought it would be easier here,” Kili breathed. “I was wrong. I have been spoiled.”

Nori gave no reaction to this conversation, not even curiosity. Somehow this encouraged Kili. “What makes you think so?”

“Dain shielded us from many things-anger, hatred, grief, hardship. We have no such protection here,” Here Kili paused, gathering courage to be truthful. “We had guests,” Kili said, his voice quiet as he stared at the river in front of them.

“Who?”

Kili closed his eyes as he mentioned the grieving parents’ names and the names of the sons they had lost because of them. He and Fili were dead, but they were not. They were here, free to build a new life, new identities. But not so for the couple’s sons. They were truly gone. They were truly dead. They were truly ghosts from the past while Kili and Fili were given a second chance.

“They wanted Mother to go to Erebor with them because she has done nothing wrong. Because it was us who were guilty of these deaths,” Kili said, slowly as if each word took all of his strength and concentration to speak. “They said we should die.”

Nori was quiet for a moment. “A lot of people want us dead,” He finally said when Kili grew restless.

Kili turned to Nori in surprise. “Even you?”

“I was there, wasn’t I?” Nori said with a shrug. Though he tried to appear nonchalant, Kili detected an edge of discomfort there. He and Fili were higher in rank, but they weren’t the only ones present. Nori, too, had succumbed to gold lust and failed to stop Thorin.

“Were they… cruel to you?”

Nori looked up to the sky, his expression carefully guarded. “No more than what I’m used to,” He said quietly. He looked at Kili and gave him a kind, though crooked, smile. “Although I suppose much kinder than how they treat you.”

Kili laughed weakly. “That doesn’t explain much.”

“No, I suppose not. But if you really must know, well, let’s just say my share of gold becomes very useful for survival in the first few months. The quest closes many doors of opportunity and allows my past to catch up to me. It’s fortunate that Ori left with Balin. They’re much more understanding in Moria than in Erebor.”

Kili thought of Nori’s reply for a moment. He wanted to know more but Nori’s expression suggested that it’s a topic he’d rather not discuss. So, Kili turned his attention to something else. “How do you handle that?” Kili wondered.

“I’ve gotten used to it, I suppose. You learn to accept that not everyone loves you,” Nori answered calmly and quite unhelpfully. Being disliked might be a part of Nori’s old trade, but Kili had never been hated so intensely in his life. He was sure there were those who didn’t like him even before, but no one had wanted him dead. Perhaps realizing this, Nori smiled at Kili in an attempt to console him. “People forgive and forget.”

Despite himself, Kili scoffed. “Dwarfs don’t forgive and forget.”

Nori laughed merrily. “No, we don’t, do we? We always remember. I say we make excellent historians!”

Kili laughed. “That explains Ori and Balin but I don’t think you can say the same about, say, Bombur.”

“Oh, I’m sure he remembers very well every meal he’s had in his entire life,” Nori said, drawing a laugh from Kili. He grinned. “Great historians, indeed. Not only events, we keep sentiments with us always. And yet people call us heartless!”

Kili’s laughter was caught in his throat. He looked down to his lap where his fingers nervously fiddled with his coat. He pursed his lips to stop the secret from spilling but Nori’s words came to him again. Dwarfs keep their sentiments for all time and these sentiments weren’t limited to vengefulness. No, dwarfs weren’t heartless at all.

“I found my picture in Thorin’s bedroom,” Kili suddenly said. Nori turned to him, puffing smoke to the air, waiting for further explanation. There was a quiet voice in Kili’s mind that told him to stop before it was too late, but he wanted to verbalize the knowledge and questions that he had kept inside for too long. “It’s hidden with beads I gave him years ago. I wouldn’t think much of it but when we were in Erebor he… told me that he cares deeply for me.”

Nori looked at him for a moment then looked away at the distance contemplatively. Kili was simultaneously mortified and relieved. It felt good to finally speak that out loud instead of confining it to his mind, but this was something he felt he was supposed to keep for himself, this was something private that Thorin clearly meant to keep secret. If someone were to reveal it, it should be Thorin or with Thorin’s permission.

“I didn’t think he’d admit that to you.”

This unexpected reaction quickly drew Kili’s attention. He stared at Nori, wide-eyed. “You know this?”

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is looking and the way he treats you very differently from others, even Fili. You are his favorite and not for the reasons you thought,” Nori said with a small shrug, as if he was merely commenting a common occurrence.

Kili frowned. “I didn’t notice.”

“Of course not. He hid it from you most of all.”

Shaking his head, Kili explained, “No. What I’m trying to say is I wish I had noticed and done something about it. When he told me he seemed very unhappy. I wish I had done something about it sooner.”

“You wish to reject him sooner?” Nori asked.

“No! I…”

“No?”

Realizing what he had said, Kili fell quiet. “I…” He tried to arrange words to explain himself but his mind was muddled. Kili closed his eyes, thinking of the conversation before their tombs and Thorin’s look the day he left Erebor, and shook his head. “I wish I could do something to make him happier.”

“No,” Nori said sharply. He looked at Kili seriously, all traces of cheerfulness and playfulness gone. “Do not pity him.”

Kili frowned. “But after what he went through…”

Nori was adamant, however, and shook his head. “Don’t give him pity. It will only make things worse. You will only hurt him more.” He kept his gaze on Kili, making sure that the young dwarf gave his full attention. “What he wants isn’t your sympathy. Do you think he’ll be happy to know that you only feel sorry for him?”

“But I care for him,” Kili argued because he did very much. He wouldn’t have joined the quest, wouldn’t have cared for him in the tomb, would’ve immediately returned to Ered Luin if he hadn’t.

“But do you love him?” Nori asked.

“I…” Kili began, stuttering in uncertainty. “I’m very fond of him. He’s very important in my life even now when we’re so far apart. I regret ever causing him any kind of pain, even though I didn’t do it knowingly. I want him to be happy and I don’t want to hurt him further.”

Nori raised an eyebrow. “You seem almost in love.”

Suddenly, Kili laughed as the strangeness of the situation dawned on him. Here he was, discussing love with a stranger in the middle of a forest. Although, Nori wasn’t a stranger anymore, was he? They had gone on a quest together and in the past few days they had become friends. Still, Kili had thought that if he were to discuss love with anyone, it would be with Fili, and certainly he hadn’t considered the discussion to relate to their uncle. He had always thought it would be a dwarf lass, perhaps a daughter of a lord or more likely an unruly child whose love for life and nature matched Kili’s. He had thought his biggest issue would be to convince his family to accept her, not to hide the fact that his own uncle was in love with him.

“Do I, now?” Kili wondered as he lay down when his laughter had subsided. “I care deeply for Thorin and highly admire him. He has his flaws and is difficult sometimes but I know that underneath it all he wishes only to give the best for everyone. I’ve seen his disappointment when he fails to deliver the best for others and pride when he succeeds. I’ve seen his smiles, I’ve made him laugh, I’ve experienced his gentleness and generosity, I’ve received his love although I didn’t know the true nature of it, I’ve had him allow me to seek my happiness away from him. After all this, isn’t it only natural for me to want him to be happy?” Kili asked. “Besides, I’ve never been attracted to a male.”

“There’s a first for everything,” Nori said casually.

Kili looked at Nori curiously. “Oh?”

“I didn’t expect to be attracted to male but, well,” Nori shrugged. “Truthfully, it’s not that different. The only noticeable distinction is in the physical aspect, and even then it’s not that much.” He inhaled smoke from his pipe contemplatively as Kili chuckled beside him.

Kili studied Nori, trying to imagine him twining with another male dwarf. It was surprisingly easy. Kili suddenly recalled the times he saw Nori and other male dwarfs with their arms over each other’s shoulders, their sides pressed casually, heads close together as they whispered something private that brought mischievous smiles to their faces. Kili now wondered why he hadn’t suspected anything before.

“At any rate, it’s too late. He’s in Erebor and I’m here,” Kili said with a sad chuckle. He swallowed thickly, thinking of the solitary peak, the prosperous old kingdom, and the lone dwarf who had lost his past and future, self and dreams.

Nori glanced at Kili. “Just because you’ve made someone you deeply care for upset, doesn’t mean you should never again take the chance of making yourself and someone else happy.”

Kili raised an eyebrow. “Of all people to give me advice, I didn’t expect it to be you.”

Nori smirked, closing his lips over his pipe again. “I don’t usually give any but you should take this one from someone hated by many.”

“I don’t mean to…”

Nori waved his hand before Kili could finish talking. “It doesn’t matter.”

Kili nodded in uncertainty, still feeling rather guilty. Nori seemed to be undisturbed by the turn of the conversation but Kili didn’t want to cross the line. “Do you mean I should pursue relationships with other male?” He asked instead.

Nori shook his head. “I mean do what you think makes you happy. Look around you and perhaps you’ll see someone who makes you happy and whom you want to make happy in return.”

“Or perhaps not,” Kili pointed out.

“Perhaps not,” Nori agreed. “Perhaps you’ll find happiness on your own, doing things you love.” He shrugged. “It happens.”

The idea of being in a relationship was far from Kili’s mind at the moment when he was worried for survival. He had found contentment in hunting until his mind became too occupied by thoughts of how much coin he could earn by selling what he caught and for how many days a game could feed his family. Could he find that contentment again? Should he?

Kili looked at the blue sky, searching for answer in the heavens, or at least a sliver of contentment. He closed his eyes when once again he recalled Thorin’s sad smile. Kili didn’t want happiness for himself. He wanted happiness for all of them-himself, Thorin, Fili, Dis, and those affected by his inaction. He wasn’t sure that’s possible.

* * *

Dis’s dress was finished just before Lord Hagan arrived. The timing couldn’t be more perfect. Kili and Fili couldn’t wait to see their mother wearing it as she walked around Ered Luin, causing jealousy among commoners and royals alike. They couldn’t wait to hear the admiring whispers, to see the stares which Dis never had any trouble of getting when she had been a part of the royal line of Durin. They would show that no matter how they lived now, what titles they had lost, what identity they no longer possessed, Dis was still as admirable a woman and a character as before.

Kili and Fili showered the seamstress with coins, partly for the beautiful work she had done and partly out of spite on Kili’s part. They returned home with a carefully wrapped package, grinning at each other along the way. The sun had nearly set when they arrived home and Dis was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Kili lit more candles in the sitting room as Fili called her, wanting her to see her gift clearly.

“What are you up to this time?” Dis asked in suspicion, although she smiled all the same.

At Fili’s nod, Kili stepped forward and revealed the package he had hidden behind his back. “This is from us,” He announced with a wide smile.

Dis’s eyes widened in surprise. “Oh! You shouldn’t have!”

“We insist,” Fili said, smiling.

Dis looked at her sons fondly before finally accepting the gift. She opened it carefully, although Kili could see that she was excited. When the dress was finally revealed, she paused. “Oh, lads,” She said as she lifted it and inspected it. Dis ran her hand on the dress and traced the embroideries, as if it was the most beautiful dress she had ever laid her eyes upon, bringing pride to both of her sons. She looked at her sons, beaming. “It’s so beautiful! I love it! And what did you get for yourself?”

Kili shook his head. “We just want to give you something.”

“You must wear the dress tomorrow to welcome Lord Hagan!” Fili suggested before Dis could argue further.

Kili nodded in agreement. “There will be parties held all over Ered Luin! You should go in that dress!”

Not even Dis could resist the idea. For too long they had only found joy in isolation, the idea of sharing the happy occasions with others was undeniably attractive. And so, the next day they prepared to welcome the arrival of their new lord. Fili and Kili no longer had proper robes for parties but they wore their best and cleanest clothes. They might not be able to celebrate in lavish parties but taverns would always welcome them as long as they had a few coins to spare.

When Fili saw Kili that morning, a smile spread on his face and he ruffled Kili’s hair, a gesture he had forgone ever since Kili became as tall as he. He laughed when Kili made a protesting noise and pulled Kili to sit with him as they waited for Dis to leave her room. Unable to help himself, Kili leaned close to his brother. It had been a long while since he had the chance to relax with Fili.

“This is going to be a long day. Are you ready for it?” Fili asked. While he was smiling, there was worry in his eyes.

Kili nodded. “Of course. I’m fully healed now.”

Fili seemed satisfied with Kili’s answer but something still seemed to bother him. “I don’t just mean your injury. You haven’t met anyone since the attack. People are…”

“Did they do something to you?” Kili interrupted. Of course Fili wasn’t excluded from the cold treatment by others around them, but Kili had never seen him let it disturb him. Fili always returned home smiling, with tales of his friend and clients. Kili frowned deeply in regret. He should’ve protected and supported his brother.

“No,” Fili answered, patting Kili’s arm to calm him. He tried to appear comforting but Kili knew his smile wasn’t entirely genuine. “And even if they did, I know how to handle it. What I’m worried about is you. People haven’t said the kindest things about you since the attack.”

Kili looked away. “Understandably so.”

“Kili…”

“I’m all right!” Kili insisted.

Fili wasn’t convinced. “Are you?” He asked quietly, his brows furrowed. His grip on Kili’s arm tightened and there was sadness in his eyes. “This new life, does it make you happy?”

Kili looked at his brother, his grin receding. He wanted lie. Maybe he should lie and spare Fili the burden of knowing his worries. But Fili was looking at him expectantly, with kindness and support Kili hadn’t provided. Kili swallowed and smiled thinly. “Almost.”

Kili and Fili perked up when they heard Dis’s door open and they weren’t disappointed by what they saw. The seamstress had done a terrific job worthy of every coin Kili and Fili had given her. Dis looked every bit the much-admired dwarf lady she had been-and still was! The dress fit her perfectly and swayed beautifully with her movements. For the first time in nearly a year, she properly braided her hair and beard pulling it away from her face to reveal her beautiful face. Kili’s only regret was that they couldn’t afford to buy her better jewelries fitting for her current appearance, but before he could mention that thought, Dis pulled him and Fili out of their house.

“Let’s go! We need to find a good spot to see Lord Hagan!” She said excitedly, unaware of what had just transpired between her sons.

Fili and Kili glanced at each other and decided not to mention their conversation. It’s not time for argument or sadness as Dis demonstrated-and she wasn’t the only one. Dis’s excitement was echoed by the entire Ered Luin. Banners flapped in the wind, songs and cheers filled the air, scent of food for feasts beckoned, anticipation for a bright future was thick. As he walked to the route Hagan would take, Kili saw acquaintances and relatives inviting each other to parties. Taverns and houses prepared themselves for what sure to be at least an all night long of celebration. Kili wouldn’t be surprised at all if this celebration lasted a few days. Dwarfs love parties and Ered Luin hadn’t had many reasons to celebrate in the past couple of years.

No one talked to Kili or Fili, some even outright frown at their presence, but no one missed the sight of Dis in her new dress. People made way for their mother. Some dwarfs even forgot themselves and bowed to her. Though Dis now lived the life of a humble commoner, she easily commanded admiration and respect. Pride bloomed in Kili’s chest, though still regretted the fact that she now would never have the lifestyle she deserved, the lifestyle she had the right for, but her mind was unchangeable. The only thing Kili and Fili could do now was provide her with the best they could afford and eased her burden as much as they could. He was glad that today they had managed to make her happy and prove to Ered Luin that their resilience wasn’t easily defeated.

The sides of the main road were already packed with people eager to see their new lord. Not only people from Ered Luin, dwarfs from other regions were curious to see the new lord, making the town more crowded than usual. Some of the more reckless dwarfs even climbed trees and houses to have clearer and undisturbed view. With some difficulty, Kili and Fili found a place for them and their mother under the shade of a house. They didn’t know for sure when Hagan would arrive and they didn’t want to be overheated under the last of the summer sun before it happened. They weren’t as close to the main road as Kili liked but it was impossible to move forward. Fili found a stool for Dis to sit down while he and Kili waited for any sign of Hagan’s arrival. A group of dwarfs had been sent to the outskirt of Ered Luin and would give a signal when Hagan was finally within sight but before the signal came there was nothing to do but wait and speculate.

A couple of hours passed with nothing. The heat became nearly unbearable. Fili and Kili wiped sweat off their skin as they sat down on the ground near their mother, tired of standing on their tiptoes and craning their neck to the direction of the city gate. The fan Dis had was barely able to cool the air and the crowd around them didn’t help the situation. However, the sun barely affected the excitement in the town. People remained rooted to their spots, patiently waiting. This was a once in a lifetime event and no one wanted to miss it, even Fili and Kili. They had nothing to do with politics and they never would have anything to do with it anymore for the rest of their lives. Seeing their new lord was the furthest involvement they would ever have and they didn’t want to miss it.

Suddenly a cheer started to near the gate, spreading all over the town. Kili couldn’t see or hear anything but a signal must have come. He pushed and elbowed dwarfs around him to give Dis a good view of the road. Fortunately, she’s rather tall for a dwarf and had no difficulty looking past the dwarfs standing in front of her. Kili and Fili stood behind her, protecting her from eager audience who would no doubt want to be as close as possible to the road when Hagan finally entered Ered Luin, uncaring of how they might hurt others.

Within a couple of minutes a black pony walked past. A dwarf around Dain’s age rode the pony. His long dark beard was tucked to his belt and his hair was adorned only by few simple braids to keep hair away from his face. His robe was a deep shade of green adorned with pieces of mithril. He carried a large axe with him, oiled to glimmer under the sun. He seemed to be a mighty warrior but although he had several scars lining his face, he didn’t look menacing the way, say, Dwalin was. Hagan smiled and nodded to the people around him. In a way, he reminded Kili of Dain who was a firm but kind ruler. If the similarity between him and Dain was more than that first impression, then Ered Luin was extremely lucky to have him as a leader.

Hagan was followed by an army from Erebor and carriages carrying his supplies-which were many. A part of the crowd followed the group once the last carriage trudged past. Kili knew there was a formal welcome in front of Thorin’s Hall but formal occasions never interested him. Kind words were spoken out of politeness and promises were made for personal agendas. No matter how good and just a ruler was, those were irremovable nature of politics. Kili had had enough of them.

“Do you want to watch Lord Hagan’s first speech or would you rather join the parties?” Dis asked, turning toward her sons with a happy smile.

“Party, of course!” Kili decided loudly, grinning.

Dis laughed and shook her head but didn’t object. She let Fili and Kili chose the tavern to visit as she didn’t frequent those establishments. Minding her presence, Fili and Kili chose quieter places where drunken fights were less likely to happen. Fortunately at that time of the day, when a lot of people still wanted to see their new lord, the taverns weren’t very crowded. It didn’t take long for them to settle for one which provided good music and decent ale.

Despite their concerns, Dis seemed to be enjoying herself. She drank the ale heartily and joined the songs praising Ered Luin and their king in Erebor. She was too happy to notice unfriendly glances to her sons’ direction. Today, more than any other time, their past was almost impossible to ignore. Perhaps they would never be more than footnotes in the history of their people, but to some people that’s already too much, especially considering the nature of their biggest contribution to it. Only law (and maybe Dis) prevented these people from openly showing their hatred to Fili and Kili and they didn’t want to test that already fragile protection. Fili and Kili kept their head down, doing their best to not pay attention to others and act as if they were as removed from the theme of the song as most dwarfs.

When new songs about their new lord was sung, Dis hummed along with it, her eyes shining as she memorized the words. Kili wished he still had his fiddle; he would love to play songs for Dis and Fili the way he used to do in the past. However, considering the circumstances, it’s better for him to not draw too much attention to himself. Kili contended himself with humming along and clapping his hands to the music. When popular tavern songs began to play, Dis grabbed Kili’s hand.

“Dance with me!” She demanded.

Kili laughed as he and Dis spun round and round to the fast-paced music. His surroundings blurred. The unfriendly faces blended with the background. Dis’s strong yet gentle hands anchored Kili as his head grew light with exhilaration. Before he could stop himself, he laughed loudly, his voice drowned beneath music and others’ voices. He felt as if he was flying, or perhaps that’s the effect of the alcohol. Nevertheless, Kili didn’t let go of Dis’s hands although his head is dizzy and his breath short from laughing and exertion. When the song regretfully ended, Fili took his place and danced with Dis. Kili returned to his seat, watching joy spread across his brother’s face, knowing he had the same sincere gladness on his face.

Between dances they stopped to eat and drink, laughing at stories and jokes at each other’s expense. After a while, it’s easy to forget that people hated him and Fili. It’s easy to ignore that no one came to speak to them when they had each other. It’s hard to remember and think of anything when Dis demanded dance after dance and Fili brought seemingly bottomless pints of ale. Kili couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this happy, the last time he had laughed freely, the last time his smiles were genuine.

They joined many other parties after that first one and spent the night singing and dancing until their throats were sore and their legs weak. When the stars and moon had raised to the dark sky music and laughter still filled the town but Dis asked them to return home as Fili had work to do the next day. Kili thought Fili would be able to handle work even without sleep, joy and ale powering him through a long day in the smithy, but agreed. After an entire day of celebrating Hagan’s arrival, their saving had taken quite an impact. He and Fili would have to work very hard to earn extra coins for the next few days, if not weeks. With this in mind, Kili and FIli accompanied their mother back to their house.

After hours of music, laughter, and dances, the house seemed far too quiet, but it wasn’t the kind of silence Kili was often worried of, the silence that threatened with hidden dangers and distant nightmares. It was a peaceful silence left after a joyful moment, an anticipation for the coming morning and promise of another happy day.

“My throat hurts,” Kili complained although he wore a large smile on his face.

“That didn’t bother you when you were screaming on top of your lungs earlier,” Fili teased, nudging Kili’s side. His voice, too, was hoarse. Kili hadn’t been the only one having too much fun in the occasion.

They laughed and coughed as they relieved their strained vocal cords with water. Only Dis was not afflicted because she spent more time dancing than singing. Fili and Kili had no objection. The dress looked wonderful when Dis danced, a ghost of what she had been able to access. Well, never mind that now. It’s too good a day to be thinking of that, they would have plenty of time for that later.

Their conversation was abruptly interrupted by loud knocks on the door. They looked at each other in surprise. They rarely had any visitors and certainly not one who would arrive late at night. Who would want to see them at such an hour, especially when most of the town were still deep in celebration?

“I’ll open the door,” Fili decided before Dis could do it.

Fili seemed anxious, tense and prepared to defend himself and his family. Kili didn’t think anyone, drunken or not, would come to hurt them, but it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared. He caught Fili’s eyes and nodded, then braced himself when Fili pulled the door open.

Of all people in Middle Earth, the last person Kili expected to see standing outside the door was Thorin. Yet, there he was, looking slightly worse for wear, in a uniform Kili had seen worn by the soldiers guarding Hagan earlier. He looked older and more tired than what Kili remembered, but his eyes were as sharp when he looked at his relatives. Kili’s heart skipped a beat and his limbs froze.

“Thorin!” Dis cried, running toward her brother to hug him.

Thorin caught her easily and smiled. “Dis. How are you?”

“Good. Very good,” Dis sobbed, releasing her brother reluctantly. “Come in!” She said, pulling him into the small house.

Thorin caught Kili’s gaze for a moment then followed Dis. He nodded to Fili who stood mutely in surprise, although not as surprised as Kili. The sound of the door closing roused Kili, unshackling him from the ground. He apprehensively joined Dis, Fili, and Thorin in the sitting area.

“How are you? I didn’t know you’re coming!” Dis asked, holding Thorin’s hand tightly as if afraid that he would leave her.

Thorin smiled. “I am well. I’m sorry for not sending any message.”

Dis shook her head in reprimand. “You should have! We would love to hear from you!”

Although Thorin smiled, Kili could tell that he only did so out of politeness. Across from Kili, Fili shifted and looked away in guilt. He had been the one most eager to leave Erebor and Thorin behind. It wasn’t his fault, of course, and Thorin did seem to completely understand this, but Kili didn’t suppose it encouraged Thorin to try to reach out to them after their departure. Kili sent Fili a small smile to comfort him.

“What brings you here?” Dis asked.

“I’m here to help Lord Hagan ease into his new position. There were many things he must know and many of the officials in Ered Luin had moved to Erebor, so I was appointed to go with him. I will return to Erebor once my duty is finished.”

A strange mixture of disappointment and relief filled Kili’s chest. The thought of living together as a large family they way they used to before the quest put Kili at a dilemma. On the one hand, he was glad to know that Thorin was well and that he could ascertain Thorin’s well-being, but on the other hand he wasn’t sure how to act around Thorin now that he knew how Thorin felt about him. They could pretend that nothing had changed, but something had, and things would never be the same.

“I’m here to ask for a favor,” Thorin said, breaking Kili’s reverie. “We are provided rooms in the Hall, but I think it’s better if I don’t stay in there. I have been looking for a room in the inns but they are all booked. I’m wondering if I can stay here for a while, at least until I can find a room to stay.”

“Oh, Thorin, of course, you can stay! There’s no need to find any room! You’re always welcomed here!” Dis exclaimed happily, pulling Thorin into her embrace.

Over Dis’s shoulder, Thorin looked at Kili, studying his expression carefully. Whatever it was he saw, it made him lower his eyes. Kili wished he could reassure him that everything was all right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the last! To be honest I've only made a few notes about it. I know exactly how it's going to go but haven't decided on the order of the scenes. Wish me luck!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin's arrival in Ered Luin brought back many memories and not everyone was appreciative of it. Now, Kili had to choose between survival and Thorin, but the choices might not be so plainly black and white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, after over a year this fic is finally finished. Wow. I didn't expect it to be this long or took this long to finish but things don't go the way we plan sometimes. Anyway, thank you for everyone who has patiently answered my stupid questions about the four seasons, especially about winter. I still don't fully understand but thanks for explaining things to me. I really should stop writing in winter setting but it appeals to my love for angst and drama. A lot of love and thank you for everyone who has left kudos and comments. You can't possibly imagine how much it means to me. Sorry for the super long gaps between chapters. I hope the long chapters make up for it. Or does it make things worse?
> 
> Without further ado, here's the final chapter of Heart of Stone! Brace yourself! It's quite a roller coaster!
> 
> Warning for graphic killing of wargs.

People knew that Thorin had returned. No one spoke it out loud, but Kili noticed them glancing toward him, Fili, and their house. People now returned their greetings with sour smiles if not complete ignorance. The way they turned away from the sight of Kili and his family spoke volumes and, in a way, it hurt more than the stares. He tried to ignore them, to focus on his work as he had done for the past year, to mind his own business and not incite well-hidden wrath, but his efforts were in vain. He was acutely aware of the reopened wounds and the tipping of the fragile harmony they fought to maintain. The king of Erebor had returned and he wasn’t wanted by his people.

Dis seemed unaffected, or perhaps determined to maintain some semblance of normalcy, but Kili noted that she didn’t leave their house much nowadays, spending time in her little garden instead of socializing with neighbors who had been her new friends. Fili more and more often returned home with closed expression, no joy could be seen on his face, no laughter was heard. They never spoke of it, fearing what the conversation would lead to, what fear and frustration would be exposed, what weaknesses and exhaustion would lead them to. Kili feared the day the tension surrounding them snap. Were they strong enough to prevent it from breaking them? Would they have to leave the home they just returned to, the lives they just built? Dreams of travelling aimlessly and endlessly to find a friendly home haunted Kili’s nights. It wasn’t exhaustion he feared or the danger of the dark creatures out there. It was silent hate and ignorance and rejection at every turn that woke him with terror.

Kili was usually the first to wake up, easily awakened by the first rays of sunlight which entered through his window, eager to leave the land of cruel dreams. He blinked rapidly to remove the last sleepiness which clung to his lashes. His body was still slightly aching from the previous day’s hard work but a reminder of their depleted saving gave him the energy to leave his bed. There was one more dwarf in their house now and finding work didn’t get easier. Often, as he wandered in the market, advertising his goods or his skills to be greeted with upturned noses and dismissive waves, Kili felt envious of Fili who didn’t have to beg for work and have more or less steady income. But, this was the path Kili had chosen. Even if it’s not practical, it’s what he wanted to do. Kili tried to think of the positive, trying to hold on to the belief that if he tried hard enough, he would succeed, that he would survive, that one day he could be proud of this harsh road he had taken.

This morning was no different. Yet another dream of being shunned from good society lingered in his mind, but he knew the memory would fade soon. He stifled his apprehension for what might happen today. He must keep his eyes to the ground and his ears on steely orders. If being stared at and talked about were all he was going to get, then he should be grateful for the mercy, and if not… An image of Thorin’s bloody and battered body on the ground crossed Kili’s mind. No. That wouldn’t happen again. The ritual protected them from violence… didn’t it?

Kili washed himself with water in a basin, put on a well-worn outfit suitable for the hard work he hopefully would undertake today, and went to the kitchen to start his chores. Sometimes Dis or Fili woke before him, but the house was still dark and quiet when he went downstairs. Kili navigated his way through the darkness quietly and easily, not a single floorboard creaking under his weight.

On the way to the kitchen, Kili paused near the sitting area. It was as quiet and dark as the rest of the house but it’s not the familiar and comforting kind Kili was used to. On one corner there were a small pile of luggage and sleeping mat, yet the owner was nowhere to be seen. Kili knew without having to look that Thorin was no longer in the house, having left even before the break of dawn to return later that night when all had fallen asleep. Sometimes, Thorin seemed to be just a name Kili, Fili, and Dis mentioned, not a real living dwarf. His presence was barely noticeable in the house, yet it’s painfully blatant in the way people turn away at the sight of Kili. Was he here or was he not? Kili had occasional thoughts that he had gone mad from frustration, that his mind played trick to both comfort and torture him, that Thorin’s presence in Ered Luin was but a figment of his imagination. Thorin claimed his duties required him to leave early and return very late. Kili doubted that Hagan wasn’t so unreasonable that he kept his subordinates working for so long. No, it wasn’t work that kept Thorin away most of the time.

For a moment, Kili was relieved to be spared from awkwardness, but the relief turned to guilt. Thorin had come to them for lodging and kindness and yet here Kili was, happy that he spent most of his time dealing with those who likely wished him gone. Still, Kili couldn’t deny that life would probably be slightly easier without Thorin. He might be able to win people’s favor again eventually, they might be able to forgive him and his misjudgment during the hunt with his neighbors, work might come his way a little more. These possibilities had seemed to evaporate with Thorin’s arrival. Now, with Thorin living with him and his family and driving away their sources of livelihood, he understood how it felt to be those who disliked him and his family. Kili shook his head, banishing the thought. It’s not Thorin’s fault that they were in their current situation. They were in this together. Kili, too, had made his mistakes.

 _Killers_ , Kili’s mind whispered viciously. He looked at his hands and thought of how no matter what other skills he learnt they would always be most familiar with weapons. _Killers. Death traders._

Kili prepared his bow and quiver. He would go hunting today. After all, killing was what he did best.

* * *

“How did you survive?” Kili asked when he and Nori sat side by side at the river bank one day, waiting for the setting sun to call Kili home. He belly felt quite empty but he couldn’t bring himself to eat the rabbits he had caught. His family needed food even more than he did. “Before the quest, before everything. How did you survive?”

“I don’t think there are many survival tricks I can teach you that you haven’t already known,” Nori replied, smoking calmly.

Kili shook his head. “Not survival skill. How did you do it? Your life was difficult and often dangerous but you made it. But here I am, struggling to make it to the end of the month.”

Nori thought of it for a moment. “It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning. There were many close calls and some desperate measures were taken.”

“Desperate measures?”

Nori’s smile was rather dark when he replied, “Few things are for free. Exchanges are most often required and sometimes you must be willing to give what little you have, swallow your pride, to live to see the morrow.” Perhaps Kili’s face reflected the horror when he considered the possible meanings of Nori’s words because Nori then patted his shoulder and smiled a little too widely. “Don’t worry. I don’t think you’ll ever reach that point. And even if you do, I believe there will be people to help you.”

Kili stared at his lap. “I doubt it.”

Nori shrugged, not denying that possibility. “You and Fili are stronger and smarter than I was when I set off on my own. If I could survive my first few years wandering in the forest with little to no survival skill, you can make it through this.”

Kili wished he shared Nori’s optimism, but he didn’t. So many things had happened. He had learnt that his crimes were nearly impossible to forgive and forget, that every step toward improvement was followed by a major setback and isolation. He, Fili, and Thorin were guilty, but still he wished for some scraps of kindness and companionship, for less hateful stares, for a chance to survive with the limited rights they now had.

“You’re very lucky,” Kili said quietly.

Nori looked at him curiously. “Am I?”

Kili nodded ruefully. “You don’t have to face… this.” He waved to the direction of Ered Luin.

“You call being chased by guards the second I stepped into my hometown lucky? You have a very strange description of lucky, lad,” Nori said, no malice in his voice, only amusement.

“All right, I don’t envy that part. In fact, I have something similar to that problem myself. Not with guards, though.” Kili shrugged when Nori frowned. “I guess it’s your determination and your ability to ignore what people think that I wish I had.”

Nori hummed thoughtfully. “You get used to it, to people disliking and disagreeing with you. You learn to carve your own path in life, even if it leads you away from where most people go.” He paused. “You don’t plan to follow my footsteps and become a thief, do you? Because Dori will have my head if he hears a word of you becoming one,” Nori asked, grinning.

Kili laughed. His surprise at hearing Nori openly telling him that he had been a thief was overcame by the thought of Dori lecturing Nori and threatening him for being a bad influence to Kili. “No! No! My mother would sooner bar me in my room for the rest of my life than let me become one!”

“Lady Dis is not one to be crossed,” Nori said in mock solemnity. He smirked when Kili laughed harder. “But, at the risk of sounding like Dori, it’s one thing to carve your of path in life and quite another to carve it to cross other people’s.”

“Wise words,” Kili nodded, chuckling. “Don’t worry. I don’t plan on being a thief.” He paused. “Although at this point that seems to be a tempting prospect.”

Nori frowned. “Take it from one who knows that trade too well. You may be able to survive, but having food to fill your belly and roof over your head meant little when everyone is either hostile toward you or wants a piece of what you have.”

Kili scoffed lightly. “We barely have anything. I don’t know what people would want from us. But, I know that hostility well.”

For a moment they were quiet. Kili shut his eyes and took deep breaths. He didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to complain like a child. But sometimes he wondered how much longer he had until he found his limit, until he couldn’t bear it anymore and decided that running away, cowardly as it might be, was preferable. Kili imagined a place away from those who knew him, a place where he could assume a new identity and started anew at equal footing with other dwarfs. If those places existed, they would be hard to find. The news of fallen and disowned sons of Durin must have reached all dwarfs, passed in secret through their language as to not draw the attention of other races. Kili had almost nowhere to go and even if he had, the thought of leaving his home, the place where he had been born and grown up in, was nearly unbearable. They had travelled far to come here, to see the familiar sight of Ered Luin, to live among the folks they called friends and kin. Kili didn’t want the effort to go to waste.

“I have to go now,” Kili announced, standing up. He picked up his rabbits and looked up to the sky, blue with a hint of dark clouds. “It’ll soon get colder. Are you going to stay here?”

“I’ll manage,” Nori said with a confident smile.

Kili waved to Nori who nodded back to him. He took a deep breath before heading toward home, trying to put away dark thoughts and loneliness plaguing him-Dis didn’t need to see that. The weight of the rabbits felt too light (or maybe he was growing light-headed due to hunger. He couldn’t quite tell) and when a cool wind easily penetrated his thin clothes to caress his skin, he thought of running from here to a place where it’s possible to realize dreams. But that place was as real as his dreams. Putting on a brave face, Kili walked home, telling himself unconvincingly that everything was all right.

* * *

The battle had taught Kili the true meaning of nightmares. The tomb had taught him the true meaning of punishment. Erebor had taught him the true meaning of a start. Ered Luin was supposed to teach him of home. But it didn’t. Not anymore.

The people were now unfamiliar, the buildings and the streets a caging maze, the silence a sentence and he saw no end to it. Idleness stretched for hours and the fruits of his labors were too often a handful of coins which didn’t match the efforts he had exerted. He had gotten used to life in difficult condition, however this was something different entirely. This was death sentence delivered slowly as to prolong his suffering, perhaps in the same way thousands had suffered and were suffering due to his own silence.

As Kili walked the streets of Ered Luin, he looked at the Blue Mountain, the carved hall which had once been his home, but he didn’t look in nostalgia. Somewhere in there, Thorin was helping the new Lord of Ered Luin, stealing what had once been a comfortable arrangement for Kili’s family, condemning them to winter deaths.

Kili shook his head. It wasn’t entirely Thorin’s fault. It had started when Kili had failed to protect his fellow hunters. Thorin’s arrival had only opened unclosed wound and worsened it. Had Thorin not arrived, things would have still been bad for them, there would’ve been silence and rejection still, Kili’s services would still have been rejected and the game his sold left to nearly rot until those nearly as unfortunate as himself haggled for low prices he couldn’t refuse. Kili bit his lip as his frustration rose and pointed toward Thorin. It wasn’t Thorin’s fault, but Kili needed someone to take the blame, unfair though it was. But that wasn’t right. Thorin must be facing similarly difficult situation, if not worse, and Kili knew how hard it was to take the responsibility for things bigger than what he could control.

So, Kili kept his eyes on the ground and continued his search for pity. Hopefully somewhere in Ered Luin there’s still some left for him and his family.

* * *

Kili sighed tiredly as he washed the dishes in the dimly-lit kitchen. Fili and Dis had gone to bed when he finally returned home from work. A bowl of cold soup and a plate of equally cold dishes waited for him and he ate them gratefully. His stomach still growled in dissatisfaction but he curbed his appetite, reminding himself that it would be morning soon enough and he could have breakfast.

Kili dried his hands and rolled his shoulders, trying to ease his sore muscles. Today he had found work with a family who wanted to move to Erebor. But while usually other dwarfs sell their unimportant belongings so they could travel light, this family insisted on carrying everything they had and their goods along with them to sell along the way. This meant hours of packing and loading good into carriages and ponies. He stayed when others had gone home, hoping to earn a few extra coins, disregarding exhaustion from doing the tasks of a few people on his own.

Kili looked out of the window to watch the rain outside. Many had voice their concerns about having to spend winter on the road, but the family adamant and Kili was too desperate for work to argue. Still, he couldn’t imagine the journey, especially when one was carrying so much. The mountain which they must pass must be especially treacherous when rain came more frequently in the fall. Kili could only hope they could safely reach a town before winter fully descended upon them.

The thought of winter made Kili shiver. His hair was still slightly damp from when he ran home earlier. Perhaps he should’ve stayed until the rain stopped but he couldn’t bear the stares and the whispers behind his back. The chilling rain was nothing compared to the knowledge that he wasn’t wanted, that the acceptance he thought he had was mere illusion. Once he arrived home, he had quickly changed his wet clothes and ate in silence, trying to forget the unfriendly world outside this house and the unconditional affection of his family. If only that affection was enough.

A noise coming from outside the kitchen startled Kili. Was Dis or Fili awake? But he didn’t hear the creak of Dis’s door or the wooden stairs that would take Fili to the sitting area. Kili frowned, remembering the recent cases of burglaries in Ered Luin. The fact that he now lived in the edge of the city far from guards and close to the forest didn’t improve the security. He glanced at the knives in the kitchen but decided against it. He’s rather out of practice, but he believed he could subdue a couple of robbers barehanded. Cautiously, Kili blew out the candle which had lighted the kitchen and went to investigate the source of the noise.

Kili strained his ears, listening to every creak of floorboards, pattering feet of mice, hissing sounds of winds entering through loose wall panels, and steady dripping of rain water through the leaky roof. He could hear the muffled sound of Fili’s snore coming from upstairs, so it couldn’t be him. Was it Dis? Kili scanned the sitting area carefully, ready to defend his limited property if he had to.

When a dark blue shadow moved near the fireplace, Kili started. He opened his mouth, ready to demand the intruder to leave, but then he recognized the tall stature and broad shoulders. Thorin turned to him, seemingly surprised by his presence as well. Kili suddenly remembered that he didn’t see Thorin when he arrived home. He had been so distracted by his wet clothes and the memory of accusing stares that he hadn’t put much thought into it. Now that they were before each other, Kili was unsure of what to do. It had been days since he last saw Thorin and it had been far longer than that since the last they saw each other in privacy. They were strangers who happened to live in the same house.

“I didn’t hear you enter,” Kili said, hesitance lingering in his voice despite his best efforts.

Thorin watched him for a moment before nodding. “I didn’t want to wake anyone.” He paused. “Why are you still awake at this hour?”

Thorin’s tone was light and soft, his eyes carefully watched Kili’s reaction despite the darkness. It brought unexpected pain to Kili’s chest. Things would never be the same, not since Thorin’s confession before their tomb. They could never be uncle and nephew again, or even travel companions and shield brothers. The admission of the attraction would forever hang over them. Their every interaction would be influenced by it, whether they liked it or not.

Kili didn’t like it at all.

“I also just arrived. I helped a family getting ready to move. They’re carrying quite a lot of things so it took all day and most of the evening to get everything ready, but at least it paid well!” Kili said, trying to revive the familiarity which had once existed between them. But his smile wavered and he was grateful for the darkness for hiding it.

Thorin frowned and glanced outside. “It’s not a good time of the year to travel.”

Kili noticed now the wet clothes Thorin was holding. The rain was still pouring hard outside. Kili imagined Thorin running to this humble house where no one waited for him, including Kili. “They insist,” Kili said quietly. “Do you need anything? Blanket, warm drink, or cloth to dry you? Have you had dinner?” he asked because whether Thorin’s arrival had made things worse or not, Kili still didn’t wish him to fall ill.

Thorin shook his head. “I’ll be fine. You should go to bed. It’s been a long day for you, hasn’t it?”

There was no room for argument in Thorin’s voice. Hesitantly, Kili nodded. He began to climb the stairs but was unable to look away from how Thorin carefully hung his wet clothes near the fireplace. Kili had noticed that Thorin didn’t carry many things with him to Ered Luin. Those clothes were one of the few he had with him and it seemed that Thorin planned to wear them again the next day. Kili looked at the thin bedroll on the floor and the thin folded blanket near it. Somewhere in the house, water dripped to the wooden floor. Outside, wind rustled leaves and battered old wooden walls. Kili recalled how pale Thorin was on winters, how sickly and fragile he looked on cold days. Often his fur coat was the only thing maintaining the appearance of a strong king on those days, but the coat was not with him anymore and the title of the king now belonged to someone else. Thorin exhaled quietly but it seemed very loud to Kili’s ears. He couldn’t hold himself back.

“You can sleep in my room,” Kili said, startling even himself. Thorin turned his head toward him in surprise, the darkness thankfully hiding his expression so Kili couldn’t second-guess himself. “There’s enough space on the floor and it’s warmer there. I also have extra blankets if you want them.”

A beat passed before Thorin answered. “I don’t want to bother you,” he said. His voice carefully controlled. Kili tried not to think of what he tried to control.

“You won’t,” Kili said, fidgeted awkwardly on the stairs.

Thorin watched Kili carefully and Kili wondered what he saw. The offer was genuine. Kili really wouldn’t mind sharing his room with Thorin to spare him from the cold and lonely sitting area. However, there was uncertainty that he knew he didn’t manage to hide fully. What did the offer mean? Would it change anything? What change would it make? Kili shook his head to clear his mind. It’s not time for that. Thorin would be sick if he was forced to sleep on the floor in the cold room.

“Only if you’re sure,” Thorin said finally.

Kili nodded. “I am.”

Kili watched Thorin collect his bedroll and few belongings from the floor and carefully approach Kili. He clenched his hands, trying not to think of how sad it was for a king to be reduced to this. But Thorin was a king no more, just as Kili was no longer a prince. They’re just common dwarfs struggling to survive and Kili didn’t mind sharing what little he had with Thorin.

They climbed the stairs and passed Fili’s room in silence. Hesitance crossed Kili’s mind when he touched the doorknob on his door, but he didn’t let it linger. He opened the door and let Thorin entered after him. The sound of the door shutting was loud in the quietness of the room.

Kili lit a candle to help Thorin set up his bedroll on the floor by Kili’s bed and busied himself with finding a blanket for Thorin, trying not to think of sharing his room with Thorin. In the past, Fili had been in the same room and it had kept the pretense of normalcy. But, this time there were only the two of them and the memory of that sleepless night in the tomb came back unbidden to Kili. The tension created by the silent confession last year grew heavier by each second. Kili dug his nails in his palm, forcing himself to ignore the strange atmosphere. He had survived a year of people’s indifference and cruelty, what was a moment with the dwarf he had known and admired all his life.

When Kili turned around, Thorin was looking at the antlers Fili had hung above Kili’s bed, the only decoration in the room, and when he took the offered blanket from Kili’s hand, he carefully avoided looking at Kili for too long. The awkwardness was painfully palpable so Kili turned his attention to other things. He looked at the thin bedding and Thorin’s wet hair, and frowned. Without touching Thorin he could tell that his body was cold. He cursed himself mentally for listening to Thorin and not taking the initiative to get him warm drink and food. Indeed, Thorin was strong, but it didn’t mean he was immune against illnesses, as Kili had witnessed in their tomb.

Kili grabbed Thorin’s arm, startling him. Even through his shirt, Kili could feel how chilled he was. “You can sleep here from now on. It’s only going to get colder and I don’t want you to be sick,” Kili said.

“I won’t get sick so easily,” Thorin argued.

“That’s not the point!” Kili frowned. “Winter here is harsh, as you know well. It’s best not to take any chance!” Kili took another thin blanket and handed it to Thorin. “Take this. You’re very cold.”

For a moment, a ghost of a smile passed Thorin’s lips and his eyes lighted up in amusement, but they disappeared quickly. Kili found himself wanting them to stay.

“You must be cold as well,” Thorin said, looking at Kili’s damp hair.

Kili shrugged and gestured to the fur at the foot of his bed. “I’ll be alright.”

Thorin looked him for a while, his unreadable blue eyes seeking something on Kili’s face. Kili couldn’t tell whether he found it or not but Thorin then bowed his head. “Thank you,” he said.

Kili blinked, not expecting this much gratitude. In the past, Thorin rarely said it out loud. Being a king had entitled him to many things and his pride hadn’t helped loosen his tongue when it came to certain words. Kili had gotten used to slight nods of recognition or smiles when he had been particularly lucky. But, he supposed things had changed now. They’re entitled to nothing and every gift and kindness was to be savored, the givers to be profusely thanked.

“You’re welcome,” Kili said, still quite shocked.

Kili climbed onto his bed and settled under thick fur. Once Thorin, too, had lain down under many layers of blankets, Kili blew the candle out, plunging them into darkness. He tried to stay awake to maybe start a conversation or ensure that Thorin was truly comfortable, but the warmth and comfort surrounding him and Thorin’s steady breaths lulled Kili. He fell asleep almost immediately and dreamt of a familiar song in darkness and even more familiar presence by his side.

He woke up late, when the sun was high in the sky, and found the floor beside his bed empty. The bedroll was missing and the blankets were folded neatly and placed at the foot of Kili’s bed. Kili looked at the ceiling and basked in the warmth of the sun, unsure of what he should be feeling.

* * *

The market of Ered Luin was busy as usual, the air filled with the voices of merchants promoting their goods and people conversing and haggling prices. Thus, Kili’s offers of his service to whoever needed it were barely heard amidst the organized chaos. He tried not to be discouraged, however. His money pouch was light-as it had been for the past several days-and with the winter approaching, it’s essential that he increased its weight. Hunting would be very difficult in a few weeks and the food Dis grew in her little garden would barely able to fill the stomachs of four adult dwarfs for three months. Fili would be their only source of income then and while indeed they had survived that way last year, Kili doubted it would work so well with Thorin now living with them.

“Brimir!” Kili called out without thinking when he saw the familiar face near a meat stall. He had taken a couple of steps toward the dwarf when he noticed that his smile was returned sourly. Brimir didn’t turn toward Kili, as if he would go to the opposite direction if Kili came closer. The memory of a warg pushing Brimir to the ground came back to Kili. He had caused that, he remembered. They had trusted him to lead the hunt but he had led them to peril instead. He had led people to danger again. Kili’s smile dropped a fraction but he forced it to stay. He nodded to his neighbor and walked away. When he felt he was far enough, Kili looked back and saw Brimir talking to the stall owner, a friendly smile on his face. Kili swallowed the bitter taste of rejection and left the market.

Brimir was hardly the first friend Kili lost. Many dwarfs he had known since he was a child refused to acknowledge his existence. But it hurt more this time because there Kili had had the time to hope, because he had thought that he could have some semblance of normalcy, because he had experienced acceptance only to have everything taken away from him. Hope is a cruel torture. It propels and moves one, but creates a bed of thorns for him to eventually fall on. Kili had fallen and he didn’t know how to get up, the thorns digging into his skin and tearing his heart.

Fingernails digging into rough palms, Kili took a deep calming breath, trying to ward away pessimism for it would not bring him survival. There might be no work for him today in the market, but there had to be something to do in the town, there had to be someone who could use his service and didn’t care about who he had been as long as he would take measly coins for his work. It took more than a few coins to help him survive, but a few coins were better than none at all, so Kili kept looking for work, straining his eyes and ears for anyone who might need his help. People were preparing their houses for winter and skill wasn’t necessary for patching holes on roofs and walls.

Kili paused when he spotted a familiar figure walking ahead of him. The street was relatively quiet, only few dwarfs were there, chatting among themselves. The dwarf paid no attention to them as he walked on the side of the road, as if trying his best to not bother anyone. Kili hesitated. Should he call out? His company might not be wanted, as Brimir had shown him earlier, although this time for a different reason. He took a step back, ready to go and pretend he never saw the other dwarf, when he noticed the looks thrown to the lone dwarf’s back, looks Kili himself was familiar with. There was no doubt in his mind that the dwarf expected it, that the cold treatment didn’t surprise him in the slightest. Still he didn’t react whether by begging for forgiveness and pity or shying away from it. Instead, he accepted it as a part of his punishment, not arguing against the cruelty or fighting for his life if ever it came to that. The thought that Kili had considered giving the same treatment sickened him with shame and guilt. How could he ever entertain the idea of doing the same? No one deserved this hatred.

Kili slowly closed the gap between them but still made sure that they were far enough from other dwarfs when he called out the other dwarf’s name. The sight of one unwanted ghost was enough, two could make things worse and Kili didn’t want to take that risk. Things were difficult enough as it was and he only wanted to help. “Thorin,” he said quietly when he was steps away from him.

Thorin turned to Kili, looking surprised. It reminded Kili of a time long gone when he tried to sneak up on Thorin, practicing the light footsteps of a hunter. It had been an easier time, a happier time even when he was a child who worshipped his king uncle. Ignorance is bliss and Kili had been truly blissful under the loving care of his uncle. But the same probably couldn’t be said to Thorin.

“You finish work early today,” Kili commented lightly.

“Yes. I was dismissed early,” Thorin said.

“Are you going home?” Kili asked.

Silence wasn’t the answer Kili expected to receive, nor was the self-conscious shift. They told everything Kili needed to know and more. He thought of Thorin wandering aimlessly in a town that didn’t want him while waiting for the night to cover his return to Kili’s house. Even worse than that was the thought that this might not be the first time this happened, that many days Thorin had borne the unfriendly gazes and lack of company, not allowing himself comfort and care from anyone. Not even his family. Not even Kili.

“Let’s go for a drink,” Kili proposed, then walked away without waiting for an answer, not wanting to hear the rejection he knew was coming.

As he led the way, he half expected Thorin to not follow him or maybe protest. In the first few steps he took, he considered turning around, confronting Thorin for his possible lies and clear needs for a company and demanding him to be completely honest with his own family. But things were different now, more delicate, more prone to breaking and never quite returning to one piece. Kili didn’t want that. He had lost enough. He didn’t want to lose Thorin as well. So, he forced himself to be patient, to not force his will and admit his discontent for it might only push Thorin further away.

Relief washed over Kili when Thorin began to follow him. They didn’t walk side by side and it felt wrong to lead the proud dwarf rather than being led by him, but Kili kept the thought to himself. He took Thorin to a tavern which he knew was quiet at this time of the day. It was a small establishment located in a less-strategic part of the town which led it to sell some of the cheapest ale in Ered Luin. The interior reflected the difficulty faced by the business in dirty surfaces, unpolished wooden furniture, and roughly carved decorations on the wall. Closed dirty windows trapped the scent of dust and stale alcohol inside, making Kili slightly dizzy. The barrels of drink looked old and without even drinking, it’s clear that the drinks served were far from the best. Kili wished he could take Thorin somewhere better but this was all he could afford.

Only a few other customers were present when they arrived. They only gave Thorin and Kili mildly disapproving looks before returning to their drinks. Kili selected seats on a corner where they wouldn’t draw attention. Dwarfs who were already in taverns at this time of the day weren’t known for their self-control and Kili didn’t want any more trouble than what he already had. He made an order for them and carefully hid his coin pouch from Thorin, knowing that he wouldn’t be happy to know that Kili spent the few coins he had for him. And he would be right in a way. Those coins would serve their family quite well, but did it mean that this was a waste of money? Kili looked at Thorin who was inspecting their surrounding tensely as if expecting attacks, and smiled wryly to himself.

“How have you been doing since we left Erebor?” Kili asked, making sure to keep his voice quiet as to not be heard by other patrons.

Thorin didn’t answer immediately, looking at Kili as if uncertain he had heard right. When he did reply his expression was solemn, his eyes gazing far away, no doubt thinking of the home he once again left behind. “I’ve been doing well.” He stopped, searching for something in Kili’s face. Kili wasn’t sure what it was he thought he might see. Rejection? Repulsion? No. Kili would never feel those for Thorin. Despite everything which had happened and everything Kili had now known, he would never feel those for Thorin. And it must have showed for Thorin continued speaking, although with some hesitation. “I’ve moved from where we lived. I now live in a room near the western halls.”

Kili’s eyes widened slightly, knowing that that section of Erebor was most damaged due to Smaug’s attack. True, over a year had passed since he left Erebor and there might have been some improvements made but the damage there was extensive. Some rooms were beyond salvation and others… Kili clenched his teeth, remembering the scent of death lingering there, possibly for the rest of the days. To the western halls, a place associated with safety, many had fled for safety and met their ends for the exit was destroyed and the weapons they had were no match to a dragon’s scales.

“Has it been restored?”

Thorin nodded. “Some parts of it.” Perhaps Thorin understood Kili’s worry because he continued, “Some areas are already habitable and I work in those halls, so it’s easier if I live there.”

“The western halls… Isn’t that where the guardrooms are? You’re a guard now?”

“Is it so surprising?” Thorin asked back, smiling slightly.

Kili shrugged. “I suppose not. But since you’re here to help Hagan I assume you work in politics.”

“I help as much as I can but it’s best if I don’t involve myself in it more than necessary,” Thorin said quietly.

Indeed, it was. People wouldn’t accept well the dead helping lead what he had nearly destroyed. They might not be able to express this verbally but there were worse ways to show disproval. Furthermore, working in politics would probably only open unhealed wounds. Kili couldn’t imagine how it felt to be so close to something he had dreamt of all his life but unable to have it. Thorin had prepared himself to be a king. Everyone had prepared him to be a king. Yet here he was now, barely even a dwarf. Pity rose within Kili but he reminded himself to what Nori had told him. Thorin didn’t want his pity.

“So you work under Mister Dwalin now?” Kili asked, trying to lighten the mood.

It seemed to work for Thorin chuckled softly. Kili ignored the warmth that spread in his chest when he heard the sound. It had been a long time since he made Thorin happy. “Not directly, but yes. He’s quite pleased with the change.”

“I imagine he is!” Kili laughed, imagining Dwalin not having to hide his exasperation to Thorin anymore. They’re close friends and cousins but their former stations dictated distance between them, rules Dwalin had had to obey and guides Thorin had had to observe. But not anymore. “He must have a lot to say to you!”

“He does. I think you’ll like the things he has said to me.”

“I won’t!” Kili protested. He fell silent and lowered his head when he received an irritated look from another patron. He held his breath, fearing to move even slightly. Only when he felt the gaze leave him did he dare look up and grin at Thorin. “I won’t. I’ll find it amusing perhaps, but I won’t like them.”

At first Thorin didn’t react, his lips twisted in displeasure, but then he sighed and returned Kili’s grin with a smile, albeit tentatively. “Is it so?” Thorin teased, rising his eyebrow playfully, and it was such a reminder to the past, to what Kili thought he would never have back, to what he had quietly been missing, that Kili couldn’t help leaning closer, taking in the happiness he had always hoped for, for Thorin.

“Of course!” Kili crowed, earning a chuckle from Thorin as he had often done in the past. The past he wanted to have back. Could it be possible? “And if you miss his ‘company’, I’m sure Mother will be happy to give you an earful.”

Thorin’s smile dropped. Despite not being entirely surprised by the reaction, Kili’s heart still sank. They had so carefully avoided this topic but their situation would never be resolved unless they spoke of it. Unless they made amends, the avoidance would keep happening, the awkwardness would remain, and Kili didn’t want to spend what could be their last chance together as strangers, not after everything they had gone through together and not after knowing what Thorin felt for him and how Kili had unknowingly hurt him.

“I’ve found a lodging. I’ll move there once I have the time,” Thorin said carefully. He held his hand up when Kili started to protest. “I know the way people have been treating you, Fili, and Dis since I arrived. I have to leave.”

Kili frowned at the table, wishing he could deny it, but Thorin spoke the miserable truth. However, the thought of letting Thorin leave, even if for Kili’s sake, was painful to accept. Thorin had been exiled from his homes too many times, he had wandered too long, wished too long for a place to belong. Ered Luin wasn’t his home the way it was for Kili but Kili wanted to at least provide a place which welcomed him for the few months he was here.

“You don’t have to. It’s not your fault. I made a mistake during a hunt. I led people to a dangerous path and someone was injured because of it.” He swallowed the word ‘again.’ Thorin didn’t need more reminder than what he already had from others. “I brought this to us, not you.”

“Kili,” Thorin started. His hand rose as if to clasp Kili’s shoulder but it stopped and dropped to Thorin’s thigh and Kili’s heart clenched painfully. “I’m sure you’re an excellent hunter. I’ve seen the antler in your room. It’s very impressive and must’ve taken great skill to acquire. You may have made a mistake but I’m sure they’ll forgive and accept you again. On the other hand, I made your situation worse.”

Kili shook his head firmly. “No. We don’t mind having you at home. We’re happy to have you with us,” he said. They were happy to see that Thorin had been doing well, to have a touch of the family they used to have in Ered Luin, to see that Thorin would continue to do well even when he wasn’t what he had prepared to be. And if things were still awkward between him and Thorin then that’s another matter entirely and should in no way get in the way of him offering shelter to Thorin.

Thorin studied him closely. “Are you?” he asked softly.

Kili nodded in certainty. “We are.”

Thorin said nothing in return and, after a moment, Kili changed the topic to the condition in the forest. Thorin seemed to much prefer letting Kili speak rather than contribute stories of his own but Kili didn’t mind, understanding that his current work under Hagan was something of a rather sensitive nature. They finished another tankard each before going home together.

Dis was pleasantly surprised when she saw them and set to make a proper feast but Kili and Thorin stopped her. Instead, they sat together in the small kitchen, discussing the season, Dis’s garden, Kili’s hunts, and Fili’s crafts. Thorin still contributed little but once in a while Kili caught him looking and he didn’t look away. That night when Kili climbed the stairs to sleep, Dis was still talking to Thorin, seemingly unwilling to let her brother go now that they had a moment together. Looking at two figures illuminated by firelight, Kili’s gaze found Thorin’s and his mouth longed to make another suggestion for Thorin to sleep in his room again. But, in front of Kili, Fili yawned loudly and Kili swallowed the offer and hurried to his room. He had difficulty sleeping that night. His room felt cold and barren, but he imagined it couldn’t be more so than the sitting room where Thorin spent the night. He finally found the reprieve of sleep past midnight and spent till dawn clutched in dreams of a ghost-lover at a lonely peak waiting faithfully for his love to return until he faded away into mountain mist at the first sight of the sun and disappeared, forgotten, as the blue of sky brightened.

* * *

Thorin stayed. No mention of the lodging he found was again mentioned, if it had ever been mentioned at all to anyone but Kili in the first place. Perhaps encouraged by his conversation with Kili, Thorin spent more time at with Kili’s family, no longer sneaking in at night when all had retired to their respective beds and leaving early at down when all was asleep still, delighting Dis who clearly had missed her brother. She asked about Erebor and relay to him what he had missed in Ered Luin, carefully skirting the topic of politic after it was made clear that Thorin was reluctant to discuss it.

Fili was polite but restrained around Thorin. His words a little too polite, his stories too detached, yet he listened carefully every time Thorin spoke, a habit from the time he was the devoted heir. Kili swallowed this observation. What’s between Thorin and Fili was delicate, stemming from decades of frustration and withheld differences. They should solve it in their own time.

This togetherness, aside from the differences in how they treated each other, reminded Kili to their previous life in Ered Luin or, more recently, the time they spent in Erebor. It’s a pleasant illusion of returning to a home that was more than a house, having dinner with more than his mother and brother, having Thorin eat with them and sit with them in front of the fireplace as they waited for the food to settle in their bellies. There was far less laughter than when they had been in Ered Luin before, but thoughtfulness was a constant since the tomb. It was the point of the entombment, after all: to reflect upon their great mistakes, lament the dead, and pray for mercy. Although now they’re free from the mountain, the experience stayed with them, always accompanying them no matter what they did, a constant reminder of what they had done and why they lived they way they lived now. And what a life it was to be home but not wanted, to try to survive amidst anger and hatred. The aches on their bodies were signs of what they had to do to continue living, the quietness of their house was a reminder that they might never be forgiven.

Kili’s eyes flicked up, studying the faces of his family bathed in the warm glow of the fire. Dis was asking Fili about his day, receiving rather unenthusiastic story in return. On the seat across from Kili, Thorin sat listening, his pipe on one hand as he blew a thin string of smoke, his eyes downcast. Suddenly his eyes lifted up and met Kili’s. Though surprised and a little self-conscious of being caught staring, Kili didn’t remove his gaze. He offered a smile, faint thought it was. Thorin paused, his lips twitched in uncertainty, his eyes wondering. Quickly, Kili turned his attention to Dis and Fili again and contributed jokes and funny quips to the conversation to try to draw some smiles or hopefully a bit of laugh. This wasn’t how home had been, but this was what home was now, and Kili must accept it.

* * *

The rediscovered closeness between Kili’s family and Thorin, however, brought to light how poorly Kili’s family had been doing. They tried to sugarcoat it, a mixture of pride and compassion preventing them from admitting difficulty, but one day Thorin came with a basket of food, claiming it was a belated housewarming gift. It was an unconvincing excuse, of course, and he left soon after delivering the gift, characteristically unwilling to admit his affection.

“Oh, Thorin,” Dis sighed, shaking her head as she and Kili stored the fresh goods. “He shouldn’t have.”

“No, he really shouldn’t have,” Kili agreed.

“Things must be difficult for him, too, and he still has to prepare for his return to Erebor. It won’t be cheap, and yet…” Dis pursed her lips, looking at the content of the basket with a mixture of concern and relief.

Erebor. Kili’s chest tightened at the reminder. He had nearly forgotten that this wasn’t a permanent arrangement, that Thorin would return to his guard duty in Erebor once his work his was over. A part of him wanted Thorin to stay, but he knew that Erebor was where Thorin belonged and, with the current situation, having him stay in Ered Luin could make matters worse.

“I’ll work harder,” Kili said abruptly, making Dis look at him in surprise. “I’ll earn more, so Thorin won’t have to spend his money for us. I’ll hunt more for us and when winter is here I’ll sell firewood so we can…” Kili couldn’t go on because Dis hugged him tightly. Tears sprung to his eyes but he blinked them away. “Mother, what are you doing?” he asked jokingly, though his voice wavered, betraying his feelings.

Dis pulled away after a time. Her eyes were glassy though her lips were smiling. “You have done so much. Don’t push yourself too hard.”

Inexplicably embarrassed, Kili frowned at the ground. “But it’s not good enough, especially now that… things are difficult.” He had done too little to help his family. Their survival still hung precariously by the edge. Their little pantry was barely half full and winter was merciless to the weak.

But, Dis would hear none of it. “We’ll manage. We are…” She bit her lip, stopping herself from referring a family they were no longer a part of. “We’ll manage. I won’t lie; this winter will be difficult. But, I will not risk the well-being of my remaining relatives to buy a few months of survival.”

Kili shook his head. “Life is always worth it.”

“Precisely. Life is always worth it, so I don’t want you to take unnecessary risks to feed us. Twice is enough. Thrice…” Dis shook her head forcefully. “ _No_. Not after everything we have gone through. Not after how far we’ve come.” She cupped Kili’s cheek and smiled to him. “We’ll be fine.”

Smiling ruefully, Kili took Dis’s hand in his. He studied and stroked calluses which shouldn’t be on her palm, the mark of the sacrifice she had made for her children. “Will we?” he wondered quietly before looking into Dis’s eyes. “You shouldn’t have to face this. Thorin, Fili, and I deserve this, but not you. You shouldn’t have to see people shunning you. You should be there with them instead of us.”

“And lose my sons and brother for good although they are still well and alive? Or, worse, turn my back to them when they need my support more than ever?” Dis demanded, her eyes flashing in determination as she gripped Kili’s hand tightly. “No, Kili. Never. I’ll stand by you, Fili, and Thorin. No matter how difficult things are, I’ll never leave and I’ll never regret it.”

Kili bowed his head, ashamed, as he confessed to his mother, “I have thought of it once or twice. Not leaving you and Fili but, well, telling Thorin to leave because everything became much difficult after he came. It’s wrong, I know, and I’m glad that he’s here with us but the thought has come to me.”

When Dis pulled her hand away, Kili braced himself. He had never been hit as a child, no matter his mischief. Dis was always patient and perhaps overly indulgent, letting her sons do as they wished and made mistakes without doing more than giving gentle rebukes. But this was different. Kili had thought of driving Thorin away for something beyond his control. Thorin who had been the center of Kili’s life for much of his young life and who had suffered the same fate as he and Fili had. He deserved a slap for that, at the very least. Kili closed his eyes, resigning himself to whatever punishment Dis saw fit.

“I can’t say I’m not disappointed in you, but I completely understand,” Dis said. When Kili dared to look at him, she sighed and looked away. “It has been difficult since he arrived. The thought of telling him to leave never comes to me, however. He needs help and who knows what’s going to happen if he’s alone out there. Despite everything, I’m glad he’s here so I can look after him as I look after you and Fili.” Dis turned to Kili, smiling softly. “You no longer resent him, do you?”

“I never do!” Kili argued, frowning. “I resent our situation, but not him. I’ve misplaced the blame on him but not anymore. Now I’m glad he’s here with us.”

Dis smiled and reached out to squeeze Kili’s hand. Kili returned the smile, his guilt evaporating slightly. After committing so many mistakes yet receiving very little forgiveness, it was a relief to have at least one person completely understanding his error and believing that he had mended his way, even if it was his own mother.

“You should tell him that,” Dis said, surprising Kili. “He worries, you know? He thinks he’s not wanted here.”

Frowning, Kili thought of their conversation in the tavern. Hadn’t he made it clear that he welcomed Thorin in their house? “I _have_ told him.” He had shown it as well, accompanying him during meals and even joining him sometimes in the sitting room as they waited for time for bed. What made Thorin think he’s not wanted?

“I know, and I also notice the two of you speaking more and more. However, he still believes you’ll change your mind. He never says it, of course, but he’s very careful around you and Fili. When it’s just me accompanying him, he speaks more and doesn’t restrain himself quite as much.” Dis smiled to Kili. “He wants your approval.”

“He has it,” Kili said, still frowning deeply.

Dis nodded. “I know. Tell him. Show him. You know he doesn’t appreciate subtlety.”

No, Thorin didn’t take subtlety well at all but Kili wasn’t very subtle either. How explicit should he be? He had said what needed to be said and shown what should be shown. It stung to know that Thorin wouldn’t believe him, but Kili supposed that considering the changes Thorin brought with his arrival, he had reasons to be doubtful. Kili sighed and smiled wryly to himself.

“He is too kind. He worries too much,” he said quietly.

“The same goes for you,” Dis said, reaching out to hold Kili’s hand. “You both worry too much of what others feel.”

Kili bowed his head, scoffing bitterly. “And for good reasons.”

Dis frowned. “Not that good. You both have done what you can; the rest should sort itself out. Don’t worry about me and Fili. We’re not as breakable as you think. We’ll be all right.” Dis held Kili’s hand tightly and waited until he looked at her and smiled. She leaned forward, resting her forehead on Kili’s. The familiar gesture brought comfort to Kili and lightened the burden on his shoulders. So he was loved. Despite his shortcomings, he was still loved. “Now, help me with these before you leave,” Dis said, gesturing to the basket of food, as she released her son. “We can’t let Thorin’s generosity spoil.”

Kili agreed and helped Dis as she planned what to do with Thorin’s gift. Kili wasn’t quite listening, however. He wondered how he could assure Thorin that his presence was wanted despite everything. Kili had apparently failed with words and actions but he mustn’t give up, not after knowing Thorin’s kindness and concerns. He would find a way somehow. He had to.

* * *

A loud rumble broke the silence of the night. Kili patted his stomach to comfort it, grateful that there was no one nearby to witness it. He had missed dinner as he had found work at a tavern where the sight and scent of delicious food and drink at a party had tortured him for hours. His employer hadn’t offered him anything more than plain water which Kili had drunk hungrily in an attempt to keep his hunger at bay, but Kili wasn’t complaining. He would’ve loved to join the party, to enjoy himself among others again, but he knew his place and he had his priorities. The payment he received tonight was bigger than what he usually earned lately, perhaps because his employer was quite intoxicated by the time the party ended but Kili wasn’t going to question it. The most important thing was he could come home with more earning than usual, saving his family of a couple of days’ worth of worry. Furthermore, no dinner tonight meant a little more food for tomorrow.

However, perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to return home this late. The area Kili lived in wasn’t known for its security and there’s only so much his rusty blade could do. Still, the offer of a job was too good to pass, even if it required him to return home very late. Moreover, most people in Ered Luin knew by now that his family barely had anything worth stealing. Even now Kili only carried enough coins for two or three days’ worth of simple meal, less than what others would’ve received after the service he had provided, but such was his life now and Kili was grateful for any payment at all.

Nevertheless, Kili forced himself to stay alert despite his exhaustion, paying attention to anything which might indicate threat. Sensible people probably wouldn’t attack him, but desperate people might and with the winter at the doorstep, even with the promise of having a new lord, desperation was high. Kili watched every shadow and stopped at any suspicious noise, using his expertise as a hunter to find potential danger instead of prey. His house seemed too far away and his coin pouch too heavy but he didn’t let those illusions frighten him as he cautiously walked home.

Kili narrowed his eyes, sensing someone walking behind him. He slowed down slightly to confirm his suspicion and indeed heard footsteps fell just after his. He discreetly touched the hilt of his blade and contemplated his options. There seemed to be only one person following. He could easily defeat one dwarf but he could simply run, avoiding trouble altogether, cowardly as it might be. Kili was faster than most dwarfs and he’s confident that he could outrun this one as well. But, there’s also a chance that this was an innocent dwarf coming home late from whatever had occupied him. Judging from his steady footsteps, he likely hadn’t been to taverns. Kili looked up to the night sky, trying to judge the time. It’s around midnight, who could be outside the comfort of their homes or warm with alcohol and fire in taverns? Kili walked faster, seeing if he was indeed being followed or this was a random stranger. He gripped his blade more tightly when he heard the footsteps coming faster.

Fight or flight? Kili wondered. Though unused, his fighting skill was intact and he remembered well how to fight even with only a blade instead of a sword or with the strength he had gained from labor. But, he was tired, his blade was rusty, and avoiding drawing anger even from those who deserved to experience Kili’s fighting skill was important. In the end, however, the pride of dwarfs won. Dwarfs didn’t run from threats. They faced them, whatever the chance of victory was, whatever the consequences might be. Kili slowed down and listened as the footsteps didn’t falter, coming toward him quickly. He took a deep breath, his hand grasping the hilt of the blade. When the other dwarf was only a few steps behind him (no question of his intent to follow Kili now), Kili turned around, his blade slicing the air.

Thorin caught Kili’s wrist, stopping him from doing any harm. The blade was only inches away from his chest, the tip pointing to his heart. Kili quickly dropped his hand, horrified by what nearly happened. Thorin let him go easily, looking mildly shocked by the greeting he received.

“Why were you sneaking up like that?” Kili demanded, a little annoyed that he had been worried for nothing.

“It’s late, I didn’t want to wake people by calling you. I didn’t think you’d react so violently,” Thorin explained.

Kili looked at the closed windows around them and the darkness within. Indeed, it’s inconsiderate to make a ruckus at this hour. Kili sheathed his blade. “Are you all right?”

Thorin nodded. Of course he’s all right. Kili wasn’t the only former warrior and survivor of battle (or battles, in Thorin’s case) here. How many times during their journey and the battle had weapons been pointed to their necks and hearts? Kili banished the dark thought. It didn’t matter now. They had left behind that part of their lives inside their tomb.

“Have you been drinking?” Thorin suddenly asked, wrinkling his nose.

Kili scowled. As if he would indulge in such luxury when he barely had enough to eat tomorrow. “No!”

“You smell of ale.” Thorin studied Kili closely, probably searching for signs of intoxication.

“I took a job at a tavern but I didn’t drink there,” Kili said in annoyance. “I nearly cut your chest. Was that something a drunkard could do?”

Thorin looked slightly amused. “No, it wasn’t. Was that why you’re here so late? Work?”

Kili nodded, calming down. It’s not Thorin’s fault for thinking that he had drunk in a tavern when he reeked of alcohol. “And you? I thought you’d be home by now.”

“I had work to finish.”

Kili suddenly recalled his conversation with his mother. He hadn’t had any chance to speak to Thorin regarding the matter and he hadn’t thought of how to breach the subject either. Was it really work which had held Thorin at the Hall or was it something else? Kili thought that Thorin had grown comfortable around his family, but if what Dis said was right, then he still hesitated, still kept his distance in fear of rejection. Now Kili looked at Thorin’s guarded expression closely, wondering what he was hiding, if what Dis said was true, if, worst of all. he still considered staying in that lodging he had found.

There were diplomatic ways to approach this subject, but as Dis had said, Thorin wasn’t one for subtlety. The setting was hardly appropriate but this could be the only time Kili could have the opportunity to speak to Thorin privately. “Did work really withhold you or…”

Kili had no chance to finish talking. Shouts were heard approaching swiftly from behind them. Kili tried to locate the source and only just managed to find the glow of lanterns lighting up the walls of houses on the street before Thorin pulled him to an alley. Kili wasn’t guilty of anything and he was sure neither was Thorin, but perhaps it’s wise to not take a chance, seeing as they’re already the subjects of some anger.

Kili winced when he bumped his hip against a stack of wooden boxes in the alley. The small noise stopped Thorin but he still looked worried. He glanced at the street they had left behind where lanterns now lighted up the place. The shouts were unmistakably angry, though to what or who, Kili wasn’t sure. Based on the voices, he approximated five dwarfs were in that group. That wasn’t so many that he couldn’t protect himself, especially with Thorin beside him, but avoidance was definitely better.

Suddenly a window above them opened. Thorin just had the time to shove Kili against the wall and put his hand behind Kili’s head to protect it from the impact against the wall before someone jumped down from the window, landing just behind Thorin. Kili drew out his blade for the second time that night but Thorin was unmoving, only glancing behind him from over his shoulder.

It took a second for Kili to recognize who it was. The window closed shortly leaving the alley quiet except for the voices of the dwarfs on the street. Kili broke the silence with a quiet exclaim.

“Nori?”

Nori looked at them, seemingly similarly surprised to see them. His hair wasn’t in its customary style. It was mostly undone and messy and his previous occupation was apparent in what the way he was barely dressed. Kili recalled a family with a daughter lived in the house Nori just escape from. She’s young, around Kili’s age, and her parents had been searching for a match for her recently.

“Did I interrupt something?” Nori asked, arching an eyebrow.

Kili was confused for a moment before he realized the position he and Thorin were in. His face heated up as Thorin moved away. Kili noted how he positioned himself so that Kili couldn’t be seen from the street should someone decide to check the alley. Their eyes met briefly and Kili could clearly read worry in Thorin’s eyes. He’d like to assure him that he hadn’t offended him, but they had another matter at hand now.

“You didn’t. What are you doing here?”

Nori shrugged, calmly tidying up himself. “Trying to get warm.” He paused and looked at Thorin, as if unsure of the proper conduct in their current statuses. “Thorin.”

Thorin nodded in acknowledgement. “You have an interesting method to get warm.”

Nori smirked, his eyes lighting up mischievously. “It’s the most pleasurable, I’m sure you’d agree,” he said to Thorin, giving Kili a quick glance.

Thorin cleared his throat, subtly moving away from Kili. Though Kili shared the self-consciousness, he tried not to let it show. “You’d be welcomed in our house any time.”

Nori shook his head. “I’d rather not trouble you, lad.”

“You won’t be trouble at all.” Kili insisted.

However, Nori shook his head again, glancing behind Thorin’s back. “I will be.” Then he murmured, “I knew it’s a good idea not to tell which house I’d be in.”

Kili frowned. It’s true that he’d rather not have a mob of angry people at his house but he couldn’t let Nori freeze in the forest, either. “I can send you something, anything you need.”

“It’s not necessary. Haven’t I told you I’ll find ways?”

“Sleeping around, you mean,” Kili pointed out dryly. He was by no means against the action-he had done his fair bit of it in the past-but it wasn’t a way to survive winter, or survive at all if the angry dwarfs on the street was any indication.

Nori smirked. “It’s the most pleasurable way,” he repeated. “But I have many other ways that have helped me survived many winters and angry dwarfs, if that would put you at ease.” He dusted his tunic and looked behind Thorin again. “Now, I’d like to chat more but I should leave and I suggest you two do so as well.”

After giving Thorin and Kili quick nods, Nori dashed into the darkness. Kili listened to the sound his footsteps until it faded, making sure that he escaped safely. The footsteps receded just to be replaced by the nearing footfalls of the angry dwarfs on the street. From their voices, it seemed that their anger was still very much present.

“We should go,” Thorin said, startling Kili out of his thoughts.

They left the alley quietly but swiftly, walking among the shadows as Nori had done until they’re sure they’re out of sight and earshot. Kili exhaled loudly when the voices became dim. Tension left his body as he escaped potential danger. When he looked at Thorin beside him, he saw that the tall dwarf was the same. They walked in silence. The new route they were taking was further but Kili felt safe with Thorin beside him. He smiled to himself. Being near Thorin always made him feel safe.

“You know Nori is here,” Thorin suddenly stated.

Kili looked at Thorin in surprise. He found the older dwarf looking at him from the corners of his eyes, calm but knowing. He wasn’t sure what he or Nori had said to reveal that much but it would be futile to deny it. “I do. He told me not to tell anyone.”

Thorin hummed. “He does have many reasons to not want to be discovered.”

“Do you think he’ll be in trouble now that people know?” Kili asked, his worry growing.

However, Thorin shook his head confidently. “He has evaded dangers for longer than you have lived. There’s no need to worry about him.”

“It’s not only angry dwarfs I’m worried about. Winter is almost here and he said it’s getting colder in the forest. I don’t know what method he plans to employ but I have to help him!”

Thorin glanced at Kili, his eyes lingering on Kili’s determined face for a moment. “You’re too kind,” he said.

The words brought to mind their time in the tomb. Thorin had told him that then in delirium brought by that terrible fever. Kili stopped, thinking of the tomb, of Erebor, of past revealed, of future carefully approached. Thorin stopped a couple of steps before him and turned to him questioningly.

“I owe him my life. He saved me when I was injured by wargs. But even if he didn’t, it’s the right thing to do to help him when he’s in need,” Kili said.

Thorin sighed. “He will be all right and he’s right-people won’t be happy when they know.”

“Nevertheless I have to do something!” Kili insisted. “I can’t let him suffer for our sakes, not after what he has done for me and what we have shared.”

“Kili…”

“And it’s not just him I mustn’t leave alone,” Kili interrupted. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was going to say. “It’s getting colder in the forest and it’s barely any warmer in the sitting room. My room has space to share. You should take it,” he said, abandoning any attempt at subtlety.

Thorin looked surprised, not expecting this change of conversation. He searched Kili’s face in disbelieve, hope lighting his eyes before he averted them and sighed. “Your family has been generous enough. I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” Kili pressed. Thorin looked at him with a slightly helpless expression, clearly not wanting to breach the topic of his (past? Persisting?) attraction. Kili found himself quickly getting frustrated. “I don’t care what people say. I can’t let you freeze in our sitting room.”

“It’s not what people say that I’m worried about,” Thorin finally admitted quietly, the closest he ever had to bringing up that late night conversation in the tomb.

Oh. Of course. Kili hesitated but then stepped closer, unwilling to take rejection for an answer. “I don’t mind. I want you to be there,” he said with as much assurance as he could muster.

Thorin visibly swallowed, removing any thought that the attraction had disappeared. Kili watched him take a deep breath to control himself. It was a familiar reaction, now that he thought of it. He had seen it many times before when he demanded to have his way. But in the past he had attributed it to the summoning of patience. Now, however, when he knew better, he saw it as what it was. Now Kili recognize the deep affection in Thorin’s eyes, the longing, the hope, the fear, the fragile soul hidden behind tough veneer. Kili’s breath was caught when he realized that he was the cause of all these, that he somehow found a place in the side of Thorin he so carefully hid, if not buried completely. It made him feel powerful, it made him feel brave, it made him feel as if he were a better dwarf than he was. He wished he could make Thorin feel the same. He wished he could…

“You really are too kind. But I don’t deserve… your kindness,” Thorin said, smiling slightly, the unsaid word ringing clear between them. He looked at Kili with tenderness few others had seen and deep affection only few dwarfs knew. But there’s a layer of self-hatred, refusal to believe that he deserved what he wanted, and in that refusal he put Kili’s happiness before his own-no, he equated Kili’s happiness with his own. Kili found himself desperately wanting to remove that unreasonable hatred and showed him that…

Kili looked at Thorin not as if this was the first time for they had spent many decades together, but he looked at Thorin with new knowledge of himself and of Thorin. The little things he had always known and felt now come together, their true meaning finally revealed. His admiration to and fondness for Thorin remained but parts of them were transformed into something else, something greater and new that strangely felt natural. How long had it been there? Or had it always been there, waiting for Kili to see it for what it was? The _need_ to express the feeling overwhelmed him. An egotistical part of him demanded reciprocation but he mostly wanted to show how he felt and he felt he would burst if he didn’t. Reciprocity was secondary. He just wanted to show Thorin how he saw him. Was this how Thorin had felt all this time?

Kili had always known that underneath the greed which had once consumed Thorin, there was endless selflessness, or rather eagerness to meet heavy expectations. This, however, was something else. This wasn’t something ingrained into Thorin since the moment of his birth, not something passed down to him and he was expected to pass down to someone else later. This was personal, something Kili knew from many songs and stories was gifted to the lucky few, and Thorin felt it for him, nurtured it for him, and for what? Nothing more than Kili’s happiness no matter where and how he found it. Kili took a deep shuddering breath, realizing now the enormity of the privilege which had been quietly given to him.

But the privilege came with risks. There was no changing the fact that they were related. Their entombment and subsequent release had made them strangers in the eyes of the world, regardless of Dain’s and Dis’s efforts to keep them as family, but they still had the same Durin’s blood running down their veins. They could claim that name no more, but it lived in them and, as proven by people around them for the past few months, people didn’t forget. They wouldn’t approve of this. The thoughts of more rejection, more pain, more ignorance sealed Kili’s mouth even as he craved to admit the truth.

“You may help Nori if that’s what you want,” Thorin said, returning the topic to the original one. “A few blankets would certainly be well-appreciated. As for me…”

Kili shook himself out of his reverie. His feelings wasn’t important, there were more urgent matters in his hands now. “I insist,” he said quickly. “You are not a bother. Never have been, never will be. You… belong with us.” Me, he wanted to say, but he kept it quiet. This was not a matter of joking, not after what they had gone through, not with what they might have to go through if truth was spoken. “And don’t say that I’m too kind. If I am, then you’re too harsh to yourself!”

Surprisingly, Thorin chuckled. “Am I? Perhaps so, but it’s not without reasons.”

“It _is_ without reason. Mother said that you are too hard on yourself and she is right.” Kili looked into Thorin’s eyes. “You should be kinder to yourself.”

Thorin watched Kili for a moment. “ _You_ should be kinder to yourself,” he said quietly.

The affection in Thorin’s voice was almost impossible to bear but Kili steeled himself. He swallowed, picking his words carefully. “If we can’t be kind to ourselves just yet, perhaps we should let others do it to us until we can.” Kili stopped then reached out to hold Thorin’s elbow gently. Thorin let out shivery breath when they touched and Kili bit his lip before continuing. “Let me-let us show you the kindness you have shown us.”

Thorin studied Kili’s face closely for a long moment, a storm of emotions half-concealed in his eyes. Kili waited quietly, trying not to fidget. He focused on their point of contact, on Thorin’s elbow underneath his hand. Oh, how he wished he could touch skin. He saw now how Thorin might have suffered, how Kili had unknowingly hurt him with his constant calls for attention and approval. Longing made his chest ache, his body cold, his hands felt empty and the proximity and _possibility_ made the pain all the worse. Kili nearly gave up on the thoughts of hiding his heart, but the risk held him back. Sacrifices had to be made for the greater good and Kili would make that sacrifice now. Thorin had done that, borne that pain for so many decades; surely Kili could do the same.

Thankfully, no more argument was forthcoming. Thorin nodded slowly, hesitantly, and Kili reluctantly released him and led him to his house. They spoke no more, both too scared to break this new fragility. The house was very quiet when they arrived. Kili helped Thorin carried his belongings before they both went to Kili’s room. As the first time they shared this room, Kili looked for blankets while Thorin made his bed on the floor. When everything was ready, they climbed into their respective beds. Kili lay on the edge closest to where Thorin’s bed was, watching him as they waited for sleep to claim them. Thorin looked back at him, his hands clenching on the blanket Kili had given him. A spark of joy went off in Kili’s chest and he buried half his face in his pillow to hide any emotion which might passed his expression.

“Sleep well, Thorin.”

Thorin nodded. “You, too.”

It took only minutes for both of them to sleep, as they were exhausted. When Kili woke again when the sky was slowly turning dark blue, for a moment he feared Thorin had gone away. His eyes darted around the room and he sighed loudly when he found Thorin’s leather bags were still on the corner of his room. He rolled to his side and carefully peered over the edge of the bed. On the floor, Thorin lay asleep peacefully, his breathing steady, his hair slightly mussed up. Kili studied him carefully, thinking of how many hundreds of times he had seen this before, how fond he had always been of the sight, and how now it raised an entirely new feeling in his chest. Kili clutched his bedding so he wouldn’t reach out to Thorin. He watched him a little more, the contentment that came with being near Thorin, the exhaustion, and the relative comfort of his bed slowly sending him back to sleep. Just at the edge of his awareness, he felt that he wasn’t the only one watching.

* * *

No one mentioned anything when Thorin no longer slept in the sitting room, let alone when several blankets went missing. Thorin’s change of sleeping location was treated as a natural course of thing, marked only by the widening of Dis’s smile and a look from Fili when he noticed the absence of Thorin’s belongings on the floor of the sitting room. Perhaps this was a natural progression between a sister-son and his admired uncle or two people who had seen the horrors of war and its consequences, but Kili knew better. He could sense the undercurrent emotion between him and Thorin. It’s no longer as tense as when Thorin first knocked on their door, but it was there nonetheless, a mixture of uncertainty and longing that neither he nor Thorin quite knew how to handle and mutually decided to let simmer.

They never went to bed together. Kili was always the first to go to his room where he’d leave the door slightly ajar as an invitation. In the silence and darkness of his room he’d listen to the murmurs of conversation downstairs between Dis and Thorin or, when Thorin was late, he would wait until he heard the sound of the front door opening. Kili would hold his breath as Thorin climbed the stairs, his weight making the old boards creak softly under his feet. There was always fear that this time Thorin wouldn’t go to Kili’s room or that he would enter only to take his belongings away and returned to his old spot in the cold sitting room, but neither of those ever happened. Kili would listen as Thorin prepared to sleep, the rustles of clothes as he changed into more comfortable wear and his quiet sighs as he slipped under the thin blankets. Kili would then exhale quietly in relief, releasing tension in his body, as Thorin took his place by his side. Kili slept to the sound of their synching breaths, although who’s lulling who was up for debates.

Most times, Thorin was the first to wake and the noises of him preparing his day would rouse Kili. They’d start their day together in comfortable silence. It felt strangely natural, as if they had always done this when in fact it had never happened save for during the journey. But back then there had been a sense of urgency, looming danger and impatience had disallowed them to linger. Now, however, under the spell of sleep and blanketed in the safety of togetherness, they could savor the moment, taking care to tidy their beds and throwing sleepy smiles to each other when their eyes met. Sometimes Kili was the first to wake. Those times, he watched Thorin from the edge of his bed, silently weighing the affection given to him and the responsibility of carrying a heart in his clumsy hands, until thoughts of dangers and risks made him rise from bed, waking Thorin in the process. If Thorin realized this and the stares Kili gave him when he wasn’t looking, he mentioned nothing of it, just as Kili kept quiet when he felt long gazes upon his back which made his skin tingle and burn.

One time Kili woke up at the break of dawn with his arm falling over the bedside, as if reaching for Thorin although the dwarf was gone. The back of his hand tingled, as if someone had brushed against it. From downstairs, the muffled sounds of industry from the kitchen drifted up to Kili’s ears. Sighing sleepily, he got up from bed and changed his clothes. He noticed then the layer of snow on the window sill, the first snow of the year. The morning air was cold but when Kili touched his hand where the skin still tingled with a phantom’s touch, he felt warm.

* * *

Kili could feel the branch grew weary under his weight. It was an old tree but he trusted it to bear his weight so he could sit near the end of it, watching his hometown. Cold wind caressed his hair and skin and he breathed deeply, inhaling the cool mountain air into his lungs. The sky was no longer blue, the forest no longer red and yellow, and the fields now barren and brown with patches of white where snow hadn’t fully melted, although Ered Luin was no less beautiful now in the early winter than in other seasons. The view of his hometown usually helped calm Kili, but it did little to help him this time. His mind kept turning to the mountain he was on, to Thorin somewhere in the hall named after him, to the secret Kili kept, and to the world which disallow what he felt.

“Kili!”

Kili looked down and was mildly surprised to see Fili there. It’s barely mid-afternoon and no matter how little work a small forge received at this time of the year, Fili didn’t usually leave his work until closing time. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

Fili shrugged. “I came home early.” He made as if to climb the tree but then stopped, noticing the weakness in the wood. He frowned at Kili. “Kili, come down.”

For a moment Kili thought of refusing, to tell Fili that he was perfectly safe here, that he knew this tree and trusted that it wouldn’t send him to his death. But he supposed Fili wouldn’t go all the way here to find him for no reason. There was something he wanted to say to Kili and it wasn’t something that could be said at home where walls are thin and voices could be carried down to others’ ears. Finally, Kili stood up, causing the word to creak dangerously. Below, Fili’s eyes widened, his hand reaching out to Kili as if to catch him. Kili doubted he would succeed-he was too far-so he quickly made his way back down. There were a few more worrying sounds but the tree held Kili’s weight until his feet touched the ground.

The siblings sat under the tree, looking over the ravine. Fili produced a pipe and a small box containing weed from his coat. Seconds later, aromatic smoke reached Kili’s nose, seeping deep into his lungs. Just as he was regretting not bringing his pipe with him, Fili handed him his pipe. Kili grinned in gratitude and took a lungful of the smoke, warming him from inside out.

“So we’re both not working today? That’s not good,” he said as he passed the pipe back to Fili. Guilt gnawed at him but the smoke and the company mellowed it slightly.

“One day of rest wouldn’t hurt anyone,” Fili said. He tried to sound casual but Kili detected anxiety in his voice. Smiling grimly, Kili reached out for Fili’s hand and held it tight between them. Fili looked at their hands, then gave him an amused look but didn’t say anything. He blew a long stream of white smoke into the air as some tension evaporated from his body.

“How did you know where to find me?” Kili asked curiously. He hadn’t told anyone where he was going and indeed this morning he had planned to look for work as usual but a smile from Thorin had put an abrupt change to this plan. Kili flushed as he recalled the smile Thorin had given him as he clasped his shoulder just before he left. The gesture was familiar and innocent, done many times before in the past, but now it made Kili’s heart flutter and sent his mind spinning. He longed. He wanted. But he mustn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to meet other dwarfs after that, irrationally fearing that they would somehow know his secret feelings for his own uncle. He couldn’t even meet Dis’s eyes when he left, guilt and fear weighing down on him. So, he had gone to that lone tree where he could escape the scrutiny of others, where he could think and feel and not be scared, where for a moment he could escape the imaginary threats.

Fili looked at him knowingly from the corners of his eyes. “You have something on your mind. You always come here when that happens.”

Kili wondered if he had been so obvious, but he supposed Fili knew him better than most people. There was no use to hiding anything from him, yet Kili still tried. “It’s nothing,” he muttered, looking down to his lap.

“It’s something,” Fili argued, squeezing Kili’s hand gently. “Something has been bothering you for a while. I can tell.”

Kili shook his head. “I’ve been thinking, but it’s nothing important.”

“If it makes you think for so long, it must be important.”

Kili scowled at his brother but Fili only returned it with a raised eyebrow, completely unfazed by the look. Eventually, Kili sighed, knowing that Fili wouldn’t leave him be until he talked. He pulled his hand away from Fili’s. It had been a long time but he still remembered what Fili had said about Thorin when they argued on their return to Ered Luin. Kili had always known that Fili disliked being named Thorin’s heir, but he hadn’t realized how Fili had hated Thorin for putting him in that position. Even now his relationship with Thorin was strained, polite but with some distance between them. Kili wondered how Fili would react to what he was going to say.

“Well?”

Kili took a deep breath and briefly wondered if he should reach out to hold Fili’s hand again to make sure he wouldn’t run to Thorin in anger or if he should keep his distance just in case Fili disapproved of what he had to say. Eventually, he decided on clutching the fabric of his trousers, inches away from Fili’s hand. “Do you remember when we were in Erebor and I hesitated to come home with you?”

“It’s hard to forget,” Fili said, putting his pipe away as he assumed a guarded expression.

“Thorin convinced me to go without him. He said Erebor is where he belongs no matter how difficult it is for him to be there.” There, Kili paused to take a deep breath. He tightened his fist on the fabric of his trousers. “He also said-he also admitted that he’s attracted to me and that I shouldn’t stay in Erebor to make him happy, because what truly makes him happy, I couldn’t give.”

Even without looking, Kili could sense Fili’s shock. He was grateful for the lack of outrage, but it was only a small relief. Fili was still beside him, his eyes boring onto Kili, judging him. Kili swallowed thickly, reminding himself that he had been judged so many times since he arrived to Ered Luin and that this was what he would receive if he embraced his feelings for Thorin.

“That explains many things. You were so close to him then suddenly… Is that what has been bothering you? Has his arrival here pressured you to accept his feelings?” Fili demanded, anger creeping into his voice and expression. Kili recognized the older brother who had defended him against mockery when he was a child, who had stood between him and the unfriendly world until he could stand up for himself. Now Fili would do that again for him to protect him from Thorin, from the uncle Kili knew Fili still admired.

“It’s not that at all!” Kili quickly said, shaking his head frantically. “He has been very understanding. He never forces anything on me. If anything, he tried to avoid me until I convinced him that he’s welcome in our house.”

Fili frowned in confusion. “What is it then?”

Kili swallowed nervously. He feared Fili’s reaction, but he had gone so far, spoken so much. Fili wouldn’t let him stop now. “He thinks I won’t give him what he wants, won’t feel what he feels. I thought the same, but we’re both wrong.”

For a moment, there was stunned silence between them. Kili watched in apprehension as Fili tried to formulate something to say. “Oh, so…” Fili stopped. He looked away, frowning at the distance.

Kili wished he’d speak more, spare him from the agony of anticipation, but he knew better than to interrupt Fili’s thoughts. He waited, frowning guiltily at his lap, trying to take comfort in the fact that at least Fili hadn’t shouted insults to him. Still, it hurt, because this wasn’t a stranger, this wasn’t a dwarf Kili barely knew, this was Fili, this was a dwarf he had grown up with and trusted with his life. The thought of losing Fili was unbearable. Kili wanted to apologize, to recant and deny what he had said, but it was already spoken. The only thing left for Kili to do was waiting and hoping for the small mercy of Fili’s understanding.

“You do realize this is not right,” Fili said. He turned toward Kili, his face completely serious. “He’s our uncle. We’re supposed to love him, but not in this way.”

“I know! That’s why I haven’t said anything!” Kili looked away, frowning, upset but at who? Thorin, himself, the society, or their births? He couldn’t tell. Kili swallowed thickly. “And I don’t plan on saying anything but…” But it’s difficult with Thorin so near, with Thorin being so kind to him and so understanding. It’s difficult to be so close but not allowed to touch or say anything, to want and long when he knew the repercussions. Kili sighed heavily, his chest felt as if it almost burst with the force of his feelings. “It’s difficult enough as it is. We can’t have people hate us more.”

There was a pause, then Fili slung his arm across Kili’s shoulder and pulled him close. Kili’s breath came out in stutters of relief and he clutched Fili’s cloak tightly. He trembled in gratitude, closing his eyes. He hadn’t lost Fili. He had lost many things, many people, but he hadn’t lost Fili.

“Some people will hate us regardless of what we do,” Fili said quietly. For the first time, Kili sensed bitterness and pain in Fili’s voice. He had always been strong, always quiet in his suffering, but he wasn’t unaffected. Kili knew this but hearing this cut his heart and he squeezed Fili’s knee to comfort him.

“I’ll keep quiet. I won’t say anything. He’ll return to Erebor eventually and I’ll…” Forget? No, Kili wouldn’t forget. It was here to stay, burning in his chest, cracking his heart, poisoning his blood. But he couldn’t give in to his feelings. He mustn’t be selfish. “I’ll work. I’ll distract myself. I’ll focus on our family and it will be all right again.”

“Will it be?” Fili asked, his voice soft and gentle.

Kili wanted to say yes. He wanted to say everything would return to normal once Thorin was gone, but that would be a lie. People might treat them better, Dis might regain her friends, Fili might again enjoy his choice of occupation, but things had forever altered. Kili buried his face in Fili’s shoulder as his throat grew tight.

Cold winter wind blew over them. The grey sky above warned of the worsening weather. In Ered Luin, people likely was preparing for the coming snow. Still, Fili and Kili didn’t move, lost in their own thoughts. Winter was never kind, but it would be especially harsh this year for them, and it would likely be similarly harsh, if not worse, if Kili confessed his feelings to Thorin. He couldn’t have that. Life was important, and there are others’ lives at stake in this situation.

“It will make you feel better to tell him. There are ways to hide a relationship,” Fili suddenly said.

Kili pulled away in surprise. Surely Fili didn’t mean what Kili thought he meant. “What do you mean?” he asked, eyes wide.

The smile Fili gave him was a little strained but it was a smile nonetheless. “Tell him. I’ll help you hide it from everyone, but if they find out somehow, we’ll find ways to survive.”

Relief and fear hit Kili simultaneously for there was now a solution, or at least help. However, the risks still remained. “I can’t do that. I can’t put you and mother at risk for my sake. And it’s not going to work. He’ll return to Erebor and I’ll be here. Ered Luin is my home just as Erebor is his. We’ll be a world apart. It won’t work.”

“These things are never easy,” Fili said, ruffling Kili’s hair affectionately as he had often done when they were children and Fili was being insufferably dense.

“Yes, but some things just can’t be!”

Fili shrugged, smiling encouragingly. “You won’t know until you try.”

Kili frowned, more confused than before. It had been easier when there had been little hope, but now with Fili’s approval, the temptation to give in and search for happiness was stronger. The thought of the strange distance between him and Thorin evaporating, of mutual understanding, of unstrained affection strengthened his longing. But what about Dis and Fili? What about the future? He couldn’t put his happiness above the lives of others and it would be others’ lives which would be at stake. He could still have some sliver of happiness even if people turned against him, but he couldn’t say the same for Dis and Fili who would be on the sidelines, supporting him and experiencing the full impact of his selfishness.

“I thought you hated him,” Kili argued weakly.

“I never do,” Fili denied. He fidgeted awkwardly, guilt stamped on his face. “I never want the life me made me live. After we left the tomb, I thought I could finally be free from that. However, you came to me defending him, asking me to abandon the life I want for the life _he_ wants and…” Fili paused, pursing his lips. “I was angry because it seemed to me that even after our past selves were erased he still found ways to control me through you.”

Kili bit his lip, recalling how he had pressured Fili to stay in Erebor with Thorin. He had been so focused on Thorin’s well-being that he had neglected to consider Fili’s feelings. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

“I know. I’m sorry, too, for yelling at you at that time. I have never apologized for that, have I? I _am_ sorry. I shouldn’t have vented my anger at you. It wasn’t your fault to worry about Thorin, nor was it Thorin’s fault for wanting to stay in Erebor. It’s just that when you defended him I felt trapped in the past.” Fili sighed. “I should apologize to Thorin as well. I suppose I haven’t exactly made him feel accepted by our family.”

“He’ll understand,” Kili said, smiling comfortingly.

“He’s been very understanding so far, so I hope so,” Fili said with a little nod. “So, rest assured. I won’t mind to see you with him. It will be… strange but if that’s what you want, you should know you don’t need to fear seeing me turning my back to you.”

Kili smiled but doubt clouded his mind still. “Thank you, but I still don’t know.”

“Kili…” Fili began, frowning.

“It’s not that easy, Fili,” Kili interrupted, shaking his head, frowning sadly. “There’s so much to consider and we can’t afford another mistake.”

Even Fili couldn’t argue with that. Another mistake, especially this kind, could mean no more chance regardless of how the ritual was supposed to protect them from past grudges. Another mistake could mean the end of their dreams of starting anew. Another mistake could mean death. Kili couldn’t risk that, he couldn’t put others in danger again, he mustn’t cause deaths again.

Kili pulled his thin coat closer to himself. Even with Fili radiating some warmth without him, it still felt nearly unbearably cold. He watched Ered Luin below, quiet and distant, and swallowed a lump in his throat. How was he supposed to choose between Thorin and life?

* * *

As winter came upon Ered Luin, activities slowly grinded into a halt. The market was closed on most days and when some stalls were open, they only did so briefly. No more construction work was available as by then most houses were already prepared for the season. In Kili’s household, only Fili and Thorin still went to work regularly, although they returned home earlier than usual in fear of getting caught in the snow at night. Kili had stopped hunting. When he went to the forest to collect firewood, he didn’t venture far. He was confident of his skills and knowledge of the forest, but he knew better than to take a risk.

Their pantry wasn’t as full as it had been the previous year but Dis seemed confident they would make it through the winter despite having a guest. Food was carefully rationed, just enough to keep them pleasantly full throughout the day. Kili knew someday soon he would have to take a risk and take his bow and arrow to the forest. There wouldn’t be much to catch but any extra meat would be well appreciated. Fili’s work especially required a great amount of energy, although his job had slowed considerably. Nevertheless, Kili didn’t want to leave his brother working on an empty stomach. For now things seemed to be doing well, however, and Kili didn’t have to work too hard and spent most of his time helping Dis in the house.

One snowy night brought the next day to a stop. The layer of snow was thick outside and the sky promised that it would only grow in size. Every now and then snow fell for a few minutes, encouraging people to stay indoors until the weather was friendlier. And staying indoors, Kili’s family did. The fireplace roared in the sitting area, sending warmth to the small house. Unfortunately this was rather tempered by the fact that the building was made of rickety old wood which allowed some of the cold from the outside in. Nevertheless, they were glad to be protected from the weather which by all indication would only worsen. It also gave them a small reprieve from day to day routine. There’s no need to rush so they could go to work immediately. Today they could linger, taking time to enjoy each other’s presence properly.

Kili sat on a thick rug in front of the fireplace, enjoying the heat while occasionally throwing logs to feed the fire. On a chair behind him, Thorin was reading a book while smoking, seemingly undisturbed by the cold although Kili thought the clothes he wore wasn’t thick enough to keep him warm. He appeared calm and more peaceful than Kili had ever seen. Kili had thought he would’ve been restless having to spend an entire day at home rather than working, but he seemed content. It’s such a rare look as Thorin was almost always burdened by duties and memories. Perhaps it’s the blessedly warm lunch they just had or perhaps Thorin had finally considered this house his temporary home. Whatever it was, Kili was glad to see Thorin free of stress.

Kili averted his eyes before Thorin saw that he was staring. No doubt Thorin had felt the weight of his gaze. Perhaps he had even noticed some changes in Kili’s demeanor although Kili had done everything in his power to behave the same. Nevertheless, it didn’t mean that Kili should abandon all attempts at normalcy. It would be unfair, he reasoned, to give too much hope when he was still weighing his options. It’s probably better this way, hiding feelings and pretending that little had changed, especially when the scale was still tipped to the side of the ugly risks. He didn’t want to hurt Thorin more.

The fire crackled in the hearth. Fili and Dis’s laughing voices drifted to the sitting room from the kitchen. His belly was pleasantly full. Kili felt a little drowsy, the familiar voices in his ears and warmth of fire around him. He had half a mind to go up to his room-it was a lazy day, after all-but his limbs felt heavy and Thorin’s presence nearby anchored him further to his  place. He was gradually falling asleep when he heard voices which didn’t belong to his house.

Kili was alert almost immediately, listening to them intently. They sounded distant, clearly coming from outside. Kili didn’t look but Thorin must have heard them, too, for there was no more sound of page turning. Even the noises from the kitchen had died down as tension enveloped the small house. What would bring people out at this weather? For a moment he feared they had come to attack them and he thought back on his actions for the past few days, wondering if he had offended anyone in any way. However, the voices seemed to come from some distance and didn’t move closer. This was confirmed when Kili looked through a window to find a glimpse of those people, but saw only snowy landscape-if their intention was to harm Kili’s family, they should’ve been near.

Dis and Fili emerged from the kitchen. “What are those people doing out there in this weather?” Dis wondered, wringing her hands nervously.

“I don’t know,” Kili replied, still looking for the source of the voices. “I can’t see them,” he added.

On another side of the room, Fili peered through another window but judging from his puzzled frown, he also saw nothing. “There must be some kind of emergency. People wouldn’t leave their homes otherwise. We should help them.”

Fili was right. Not even the most hardened dwarfs were willing to be outside at this time of the year just for casual conversation or minor argument. Something must have happened. Without thinking, Kili went to the door. He had only touched the door knob before he was pulled to a stop. He turned back to look at Thorin’s stern expression. Kili opened his mouth to protest but Thorin spoke first. “Your coat.”

Kili nodded and hastily put on his coat which he hung nearby. Thorin and Fili followed suit and not too long after, they stepped into the cold outside. The sudden onslaught of bitterly cold temperature after sitting near the hearth made Kili pause. His coat and gloves felt too thin, inadequate for the weather, and chilly air seeped through seams and gaps to steal away his body warmth. Kili nearly staggered back, stopped only by the solid bodies of Fili and Thorin behind him. He gritted his teeth and told himself that he would feel better if he kept moving. He stepped forward carefully, trying to find a steady footing on the thick layer of snow. Once he found it, he made another step, then another, leading Thorin and Fili to the road.

It only took them a moment to find a group of people huddled together on the street as the streets were otherwise deserted. Kili recognized his neighbors bundled in thick fur and leather. They glanced at each other and shook their heads every now and then. Their foreheads were creased in worry and their silence amplified it. Someone spoke louder and louder. Though Kili caught only a few words, he noticed the desperation filling his voice. Kili hastened his pace and joined the group.

“What happened?” he asked a dwarf.

The dwarf pursed his lips grimly. In another situation Kili would be grateful that for the first time in months, the sour expression wasn’t directed toward him. However, right now there was a far more pressing situation. “Nyr’s son is lost in the forest.”

“Nyrath?” Fili exclaimed, his eyes widening. He looked at Kili, worry clearly etched on his face. They still remembered their former hunting partner. Kili in particular vividly remembered how Nyr and Nyrath had briefly assisted him in killing the warg which had attacked Brimir before Kili told them to leave. The father and son had stayed away from Kili and Fili since then, but Kili bore no ill will toward them, aware that he only had his negligence to blame.

“I’m telling you, it’s not too late to form a search party! It’s still bright out here! We can still find him!” Nyr argued loudly from the center of small crowd. He turned his eyes from one dwarf to another, daring and begging them to help him find his son.

However, it was clear that his plea wasn’t heard. Pitying looks were the only answer Nyr received, and there was not a word of offer for help. Kili couldn’t blame them. With snow this thick, it was difficult to go to the town center, let alone search for a dwarf in the forest. Unwise choice of route or one careless step and they would be searching for more than one dwarf. Even Kili, experienced and knowledgeable as he was of the forest, knew better than to go further than the perimeter at this time of the year.

The contrast with the time Kili’s father went missing was hard to miss. It had been a summer day and there had been tens of dwarfs who offered to help. Everyone had kind words to offer Kili and his family, assuring them that Vilir must still be alive out there, reminding him that he was a very good hunter who would survive in the forest. They were wrong. Kili had seen with his very own eyes that the forest had no sympathy for the careless. He closed his eyes, remembering the sight of his father’s bloody corpse. Today, it was winter instead of summer and instead of tens of helpful dwarfs, there were only a hesitant handful of them. It seemed like a lost cause. Still, Kili couldn’t stand back and did nothing. Nyrath might no longer think of him and Fili as friends, but Kili valued his past companionship just the same.

“I may be able to help,” Kili spoke loudly. All eyes turned to him, including those of Fili and Thorin. He ignored them and made his way to Nyr. The old dwarf’s eyes were wide in disbelief as Kili gave him a determined look. “When did he go? Do you know where he’s going?”

For a moment, Nyr was silent. The coldness Kili had become well acquainted with froze his expression. He frowned as if he was going to refuse but then desperation made its way back to him as he remembered his son’s predicament. “He left a few hours ago. He brought his bow and arrows. He said he would try to catch something-rabbits or some small animal-as we’ve ran out of meat. But he’s still not back and he knows better than to stay out there this long in this weather even if he hasn’t caught anything!”

Kili nodded, frowning. Indeed Nyrath should know better. For him to still not return after hours meant that something was wrong. Kili looked at the tops of barren trees of the forest he could see from where he was. Nyrath could be anywhere in the hours he had gone and the forest wasn’t short of trappings for the tired and careless. The snow wasn’t falling for now but Kili knew nature well enough that it would return again. Nyrath must be found immediately before the weather turned completely against them or, worse, the darkness fell. The risk was great, not only for Nyrath but also whoever came looking for him, but Kili was undeterred. He knew the odds of him finding Nyrath was rather small but he would give his best. If there was a chance, no matter how small, Kili would seize it.

“I’ll look for him,” Kili decided firmly.

The dwarfs looked at Kili in stunned silence, as if unable to believe that he would take such a risk for someone. Kili wondered briefly what exactly they thought of him, whether they thought he was the sort of dwarf who’d leave others to their deaths. He might have made that mistake before, keeping his silence and thus letting people die, but he wouldn’t let cowardice kept him quiet when there was a life on the line anymore. He couldn’t revive the friends, brothers, husbands, and fathers who had perished due to his cowardice, but he would do what he could now to save Nyrath.

Fili stepped forward. “Me, too,” he said, standing beside Kili. When he glanced at Kili, there was doubt in his eyes but Kili knew his brother would never abandon him to danger, be it armies of orcs and goblins or the terrible winter. “We can’t promise anything but we’ll do our best to find him.”

Around them, their neighbors looked at each other. Now that someone volunteered to help, even if they were Kili and Fili, to refuse to come would be to admit cowardice and no dwarf would want to be called a coward. Yet, the risk of going to the forest in the current condition was too great and it was admittedly reasonable to not put their well-being on the line. With less people, the chance of finding Nyrath was smaller, but Kili didn’t let it discourage him. His knowledge and experience should keep him safe and if those failed… Well, if someone was to risk his life, it should be people like himself and Fili, those who were considered dead and disposable by the society.

“If he’s been out there for hours, we should hurry.”

Kili turned toward Thorin in surprise. The other dwarfs, who hadn’t noticed him because of his silence, took half a step back, automatically giving space to the one they had once called king. They quickly caught themselves, though, and frowned at him, clearly not wanting him among the people he had left behind for gold. Thorin ignored them, however, and only looked at Kili evenly. We. Was he coming with Kili and Fili? But why? Thorin didn’t know Nyrath. He didn’t have to do this, risking his life to safe a complete stranger. He could stay safe at home, warm and away from the elements. However, Thorin gaze on Kili was unwavering and Kili knew that this wasn’t time to argue, so he said nothing.

“We should,” Kili agreed. “Let’s get some equipment first.”

Behind him, Nyr grunted. “I’m coming with you. If everyone here is too cowardly to look for my son, I’ll do it.”

There were murmurs of protests around them but Kili ignored them. He surreptitiously took in Nyr’s condition. Nyr seemed fit although what had had said before about running out of meat worried Kili. Determination could only provide so much energy and by no means protected against the dangers brought by winter and the forest combined. This meant that Kili wouldn’t be able to search for Nyrath as long as he wanted, so he had to be quick and efficient. It’s going to be difficult but Kili was determined to do what he could.

“We’ll meet again here in fifteen minutes,” Kili said.

They went home as fast as they could. There, Dis had been waiting with worried questions. Kili and Fili explained the situation briefly, not wanting to waste precious seconds, before going to their rooms to prepare themselves. Kili put on his thickest clothes, knowing that this would be a lengthy search. He put a thick blanket, a length of rope, a box of medicines, and other necessities into a bag. Instinct made Kili reached for his bow but he stopped, remembering that this wasn’t a hunt. However, there were dangers in the forest, animals and beasts alike which prowling the area for food. Kili pursed his lips, thinking of the many things in the forest who would find a lone hunter an easy prey. He decided to forego his bow for a sword and a blade. Once satisfied, he checked Thorin’s preparation and saw that just as Kili, Thorin wore his thickest clothes, though his was noticeably less well-made, and carried a standard guard sword. It was hardly a proper weapon and combined with his outfit, Thorin was overall ill-prepared for the search. Kili frowned, worry growing in his chest.

“You don’t have to do this. You don’t even know Nyrath,” he said to Thorin.

However, Thorin shook his head firmly. “It’s not a matter of whether I know him or not. He needs help.”

Kili stared at Thorin. This was the dwarf he knew and admired, the one he had watched from afar for many decades, the one he had aspired to be. This was the king he had followed and sworn his loyalty to. This was the dwarf he decided to risk his life for when the quest was announced, the dwarf he had put his faith on. The dwarf in Erebor, the one who had chosen gold over honor, the one everyone remembered and despised, was a stranger and he was gone. This was once more the respectable dwarf who put others before himself, though it didn’t always show so obviously. Kili bit his lip, wishing others were here to see this and realize how wrong they were.

But now wasn’t time for wishful thinking and nostalgia. “Fili and I can handle this. You should stay here.”

Thorin frowned. “Both of you and that old dwarf aren’t enough to search the entire forest in such a limited time. The weather isn’t going to improve, either, and even if it does improve, it’s still too dangerous. I can’t let you risk your life while I sit back in safety.”

Thorin’s eyes widened slightly when he realized his outburst. His mouth opened as if to take back his words but no sound came. Kili didn’t want any sound to come. His heart swelled with joy and affection until he feared he couldn’t breathe. He knew Thorin’s feelings for him remained strong but they had avoided speaking of it for so long. They danced around the words, fearing reactions and repercussions, knowing but unable to anything with the knowledge. To have it spoken, confirmed loudly in words, nearly broke Kili’s resolve to keep his own feelings quiet. He wanted to say how honored it made him feel, how happy he was, how much he cared for Thorin, how much he feared for Thorin’s well-being, how reluctant he was to take Thorin in something so uncertain and risky.

But he mustn’t say a word. It would be easier with silence. Their lives would be much easier with secrets. Not now perhaps, not when everything was still fresh and raw and every touch and look hurt, but it would be in the future when they had forgotten life without keeping feelings inside. Kili swallowed thickly, wishing the day would come sooner than later because his chest felt tight with longing and fear and there’s only so much he could do before he did the regrettable.

“I can help,” Thorin said quietly, so carefully with strong emotions straining behind closed expression. Kili’s heart ached at the sight of it.

Kili took a deep breath and followed Thorin’s lead, putting away his feelings and focusing on the task at hand. “All right.”

When they left Kili’s room, Fili had already waited for them. He was dressed as Kili was, bundled in thick articles of clothing to keep himself warm. On his side was a sword and Kili could see the handles of two blades protruding slightly under his coat. He, too, was aware of the danger they might find and suitably prepared for it. There’s still some trace of the doubt he had displayed earlier on his face. Fili had always been more aware of risks than Kili was. His actions were selected based on consideration of the situation instead of determination and near-blind hope as often was the case with Fili. It didn’t mean Fili shied away from danger, however. He was careful to a fault, but above all he was loyal to his friends and family and would go to great lengths for them, even risking his life if need be.

Suddenly it struck Kili how similar this moment was to the minutes before they joined the Battle of the Five Armies. They had worn their armors with haste but in silence as the sounds of war penetrated old walls, echoing in chambers and tunnels, insulting their cowardice. Tension had thickened the air as they picked their weapons. Kili remembered looking at Fili and seeing fear and hope in his eyes. He remembered feeling the same. He remembered looking at Thorin and seeing a tired guilty dwarf. He remembered the helplessness, knowing very well that this was a battle they might not survive. Their chance had been too slim. Number wasn’t everything but what was thirteen dwarfs in the face of thousands of bloodthirsty orcs and goblins? Yet when Thorin led them to the gate, they had followed. They had decided, perhaps rather insensibly, to take that small chance, to hope, to try regardless of the odds. They hadn’t survived that battle. They had failed. Would they fail again this time?

Fili looked at Kili and Thorin and then frowned. “You only bring one sword?” he asked Thorin. Fili’s frown deepened when Thorin nodded. “Wait here.” He disappeared inside his room briefly before returning with a blade. There was carving on the sheath, simple yet elegant, and the handle was only slightly worn. It was better looking than the weapons Fili and Kili were currently carrying, though it wasn’t a fancy weapon worthy of a name and likely would not be recorded in history books. But, Kili knew from how well-kept the blade was that it was one of Fili’s favorites. “Bring this,” Fili said, offering the blade to Thorin.

Thorin hesitated but finally accepted the blade. “Thank you,” he said with a nod.

They went downstairs in a bit of a hurry, the stairs creaking and groaning in protest under them, only to be greeted by the sight of Dis in her coat. Kili stopped, taking in his mother’s appearance. Dis’s coat was violet in color, made of thick coarse fabric made to protect rather than impress. Her sons ensured that the coat rarely saw any use, as they preferred her safe and warm in their humble home rather than outdoor during unfriendly seasons. Seeing her in it, Kili was immediately worried. “Mother? Are you going somewhere?”

“I’m going to Nyr’s house. His wife must be worried sick. I’ll accompany her while you look for Nyrath,” Dis answered, smiling to calm her son.

Kili then noticed the basket of food on the chair beside her. There were loafs of breads, jars of preserved meat, cheese and even some preserved fruits. It wasn’t much but Kili knew that by giving it away they had to ration their own food even more carefully to last until the end of the winter. However, he felt no reluctance to part with the food. Nyr’s family needed it more than them. If this could prevent Nyr and Nyrath from hunting during difficult weather, Kili was all too happy to give it away.

Kili smiled to his mother, admiring her thoughtfulness. He had only thought of bringing Nyrath home, not why he had gone to the forest in the first place. Nyr’s family needed more help than bringing his son home. “That’s a good idea.”

“Good luck and be careful,” Dis said. She pulled Kili’s head down to land a kiss on his forehead and did the same to Fili and Thorin. Her eyes were soft but fearless. In her eyes they could all see her faith in them, the same faith that had been present when they departed from Ered Luin a lifetime ago. She had never doubted them and even after they failed everyone she forgave them. Kili didn’t want to disappoint her the second time.

Her courage and blessing grew a seed of confidence in Kili’s heart and he nodded, smiling to her in return. They left their house together and immediately parted ways-Dis went to Nyr’s house while Kili, Fili, and Thorin went to meet Nyr. The weather seemed to have gotten colder in the short time they were indoors but Kili merely pulled his coat closer to himself. He would get warmer when the search started. So, with Fili and Thorin on either side of him, he rushed toward a small group of dwarfs waiting for them.

Kili wasn’t entirely surprised to see that pride eventually forced some of these dwarfs to join the search. They didn’t do it out of altruism, but intention wasn’t important now. It was still going to be a small group of just seven but it was better than four. Kili nodded politely to the sour faces looking at him, completely understanding their annoyance at him for proposing this search. He paused as he recognized a familiar face, Brimir. The dwarf hadn’t been present earlier, so Kili didn’t expect to see him there and, considering their history, Kili didn’t expect him to join the same group as Kili, either.

His surprise must have shown on his face because Brimir curled his lips into a tense smile. “I heard about Nyrath from my neighbor and have to join this search. He is my friend.”

Kili wanted to say that Nyrath was a friend to him as well but he wasn’t sure it would be well-received, so he merely nodded. As he assessed the search party, Kili couldn’t help but notice how ill-prepared they were. Aside from Kili and Fili, only Brimir was a younger dwarf physically fit for a rescue party. The rest of the party didn’t seem to be prepared for lengthy hunt and their thin tattered clothes didn’t help. Suddenly Kili felt guilty, not for volunteering to look for Nyrath, but for not stopping Nyr when he provoked their neighbors. He should’ve told Nyr to stay at home and wait for news, thus giving no reason for others to join the search party. He should’ve taken the risk himself. Should he tell him to go home now before it’s too late? But with less people, it would take longer to find Nyrath and he had been gone for hours. Should he risk Nyrath’s life for theirs or should he risk their lives for Nyrath’s? Kili’s pulse quickened at the thoughts. What had he done?

A movement on his side drew Kili’s focus away from his worries. He looked up to see Thorin’s calm eyes, steady and strong as rocks. Kili half-expected him to take over the command, to lead this group of people, to make decisions for him, but Thorin remained quiet. He was waiting, Kili realized. He was waiting for Kili to be ready because he trusted him. Thorin, who knew better than anyone about leadership and risks and failures, trusted him.

On his other side, Fili shifted so that his hand very subtly brushed Kili’s. “Is everyone ready? We shouldn’t waste time.”

Kili took a deep breath of the chilly air, letting it stab his lungs a little. The pain grounded him and Thorin’s assuring gaze calmed him. He announced, “Let’s go.”

Being the youngest and most familiar with the forest, Kili and Fili led the search. They decided to start with a familiar path. It’s a route often taken by hunters that they should be able to recognize even at the depth of winter. The trees usually used to navigate the way were barren but still recognizable. Kili kept his eyes on the pure white blanket above the earth. His keen eyes searched for any boot prints which could lead him to Nyrath. He strained his ears as well. The forest was quiet, seemingly without a single life in it, but Kili knew better. There were small animals which live underground during winter and even larger ones, such as boars and elks, which foraged for food deeper in the forest. Surely Nyrath wasn’t foolish enough to chase after larger games as he had gone alone, so he must be after rabbits and rodents. Kili led the groups to a location where these animals were sometimes found. Their careful search was soon rewarded.

“Kili!” Fili called out, crouching next to hidden boot prints on the snow surface.

Kili looked at the track and then Fili. He grinned at his brother and looked behind him at Nyr. The old dwarf’s face lighted up when he saw what Fili had found. “Nyrath has been here!” he exclaimed in excitement.

It’s a little too early to celebrate but Kili let the discovery bring back hope to the group. They murmured to each other, glad that this wasn’t a pointless search, after all. This would motivate them to search harder and hopefully cooperate with Kili and Fili more willingly. Kili looked at Thorin who was standing behind him. There was a small smile on his face and the small part of Kili which was always hungry for Thorin’s approval swelled with pride. He stood up, feeling invigorated, and looked at the direction the boot prints were heading toward. It was far from the darker part of the forest and was generally safe to go to alone, unless Nyrath changed direction somewhere down the path. Kili banished the pessimistic thought from his mind and led his companions to follow Nyrath’s track.

The boot prints led them further into the forest for a while before completely disappearing. However, confident that they knew where Nyrath had gone to, they continued the search. This time, they spread out to give better coverage. They walked separately some distance from each other but remained within each other’s sight-the snow in this area being thicker than near the perimeter of the forest. But while the thick layer of snow was a hindrance to dwarfs, making the less experienced hunters fumble and fall, it didn’t deter some animals. Once in a while rabbits came out of their hiding place to look at them for a moment before hopping away. Overhead, flaps of bird wings could be heard. In the distance, the bushy red tail of a fox was seen once before the animal scampered away. Kili, however, was only focused on looking for Nyrath. Perhaps he would come here in a few weeks with his bow and arrows, but right now he’s here to find someone.

Suddenly something caught Kili’s eyes, making him pause. A distance away from him, in the midst of the cold white blanket of snow, protected from cold wind by tall wall of rocks, the earth had been exposed. The snow around it was thin, melted by warmth, but not warmth of fire. Animals had slept there perhaps last night and they weren’t small animals. Kili quickly investigated it. Nearby, there were remains of two medium-sized boars, eaten until only the bloody furs were left. Kili looked for paw prints, hoping that this was a mere wolf den. However, the paw prints he found were distinctly different from that of wolves and much larger. With a sinking feeling, he realized that it was a warg den. He knew that in winters they sometimes left their territory to find preys but they didn’t usually go this far. They already had two boars but the wargs’ appetite most likely hadn’t been satisfied and hungry wargs never bode well.

Realizing that Kili had stopped, Fili and Thorin came toward him, followed by the rest of the group. Initially they smiled with excitement, thinking that Kili had found more boot prints, but the smiles disappeared when they saw what Kili had found. Understanding the dangers lurking in the forest, they had brought swords and blades, but no one was prepared to face wargs. Half-sharpened weapons wielded by those more accustomed to holding farming or construction tools wouldn’t kill wargs. Even though they outnumbered the beast, their chance of winning against a pack of wargs was still small.

Fili studied the den, searching for footprints on the ground. “There were five of them at least and they left maybe a couple of hours ago,” he said, confirming their worst fears.

“Kili!” Brimir called out as he ran toward them. Panting, he handed Kili an arrow. “I found it embedded on a tree over there.”

Heart pounding wildly, Kili quickly examined it, hoping against hope that it was a leftover from a hunt in warmer seasons. The hope was quickly dashed. The wood was still smooth, not weathered by the elements, so it must be new, and in this weather, most dwarf would rather stay indoors, so the chance of the arrow belonging to another hunter was slim to none. Kili closed his eyes tightly as behind him Nyr let out a gasp.

“Maybe this was intended for an animal and he missed,” Brimir offered weakly.

Fili’s lips tightened. “Even if it was, it meant he has come close to this den.”

The wargs likely had noticed him was what Fili didn’t say but they all understood. It’s difficult to tell whether the arrow had been intended to ward off the wargs or a misfired shot during his hunt, but one thing for certain was that wargs had sharp hearing and sense of smell and once they noticed him, they wouldn’t let him leave. Kili imagined Nyrath alone in this weather, far from help, too remote to be heard when he called out for aid. There were five wargs, far too many for even the most seasoned warrior to fight on his own. They were all of them hungry and Nyrath had gotten too close. Yes, there was a chance that Nyrath had escaped, but Kili was too scared to consider it.

“You should leave.”

Thorin’s voice made Kili look up in surprise. This was the first time he had spoken since the search had started. He had let Kili and Fili lead the group but now he turned to their companions, his tone firm but kind, far from the absolute demands he had usually given in the past. However, there was still something which gained obedience. There’s still something that made him hard to refuse. Kingship had been given to him by blood, but leadership was in his nature and he had polished it as a skill. Crowns and titles were only complements. Thorin didn’t need them to lead, to draw people and urge them to do what he wanted. Kili could feel the power he had over him with three simple words. He knew without looking that the other dwarfs were equally affected, their thoughts swayed to obey. They were drawn toward Thorin despite his history.

“It’s too dangerous for you to be here. Kili, Fili, and I will find Nyrath and bring him back,” Thorin explained.

And just with those words he raised their hopes. It’s true that they had found a warg den and that it was likely that Nyrath had gone too close to it. However, it didn’t mean that all hopes were lost, that they had lost Nyrath to the snapping jaws of wargs. Perhaps he had managed to escape and was just biding his time to go home. Perhaps he was waiting for them to rescue him. And if the warg had gotten to Nyrath first before them, then they would avenge him and bring the news to his family and friends so they could mourn for him properly. But this wasn’t a task for farmers, builder, and hunters. This was a task for warriors and although Kili, Fili, and Thorin weren’t considered warriors anymore and their swords and blades were cheap and not well-made, they still had the skills and experience to defend themselves against wargs or even killing them.

There’s awkward shuffling but none dared to move, not even to save their lives. That just wouldn’t do. Kili couldn’t let that happen again. One is enough. Twice was a horrible mistake. Thrice… Kili steeled himself, stood up, and faced the group. “You’re here to look for Nyrath, not to fight wargs. We’ll do this. You should return home now.”

“Bah! I can handle a warg or two!” Nyr gloated, thumping his thin old chest. “I will go with you. If these cowards want to go home, let them. But, I’m not leaving until I find my son!” He said stubbornly.

Thorin was quiet for a moment, considering. “You may go with us, but if we meet any warg, you do as we say and leave,” he said, his voice gave no room for Nyr to argue. He waited until Nyr nodded reluctantly before speaking to the rest of the search group. “If any of you want to leave, I won’t stop you. But if you decide to go with us, the same condition applies: You will leave if we spot a warg.”

Thorin looked at them one by one to ensure that his words had sunk in before turning to Kili, Fili, and Nyr. He nodded to Kili, signaling him to continue the search. After sweeping a gaze at the hesitant faces around him, Kili led Thorin, Fili, and Nyr away from the warg den. He unsheathed his sword and the others behind him followed suit. This time, he dared not spread them out too far as the wargs might still be near. He kept himself between Nyr and tall trees which might hide the large figures of wargs. He was more careful, looking for more than Nyrath’s boot prints but also warg paw prints. He watched carefully for any movement amidst the white snow and evergreen trees. Wargs were very fast so it’s important to spot them early so they had chance to prepare themselves or run. Distance was even more important now with the snow piling high. It would hinder and slow dwarfs but wargs would have little trouble running on it with their greater height and strong legs.

Noises of snow shifting made the group of four pause. Brimir was the first to approach them, followed by the other dwarfs. He said nothing to Kili or Nyr but he nodded and drew his sword out, the shaking of his hands nearly imperceptible but not nonexistent, the memory of their failed hunt obviously still clear in his mind. Kili nearly told him to go. Wasn’t his previous encounter with the wargs enough? Hadn’t he seen how strong and vicious these beasts were? But Brimir’s downturned lips told Kili that he understood all of these, that the warnings given were understood clearly, and yet still he was willing to face the beasts which had nearly taken his life only months ago. So, Kili bit his tongue and turned away.

They walked cautiously, stilling at every noise and biting their lips to silence curses when the feet were caught by trappings hidden in the snow. The trees now seemed to hide the shadows of wargs. Every noise seemed to warn of approaching danger. Small animals, previously a welcomed sight, now brought fear as any sign of prey might draw wargs’ attention. It was quite a struggle to remain calm when he had four dwarfs to protect, but Kili recalled his old trainings and controlled himself. Panicking would yield nothing but tragedy. Instinct could only so much to protect oneself, let alone others. He must stay calm and focus on his goals: To find Nyrath and to keep the search party safe.

They searched their surroundings anxiously. There’s no blood, but no track, either. Kili was going to ask the party to search for any footprint around them when a howl broke the silence. They froze. Kili’s grip tightened on the handle of his sword as his heart began to thunder in his chest. It wasn’t the long haunting howl of wolves. It’s rougher-as rough as the black tongue spoken by creatures of darkness. Kili didn’t understand the speech of these beasts but the sound seemed foreboding, a threat of death in the most painful way imaginable. He shivered. It sounded distant but knowing that they were indeed there unsettled Kili nonetheless.

“Wargs,” Thorin hissed. He turned to Nyr. “Go!”

“They sound far from here,” Nyr argued but he quite obviously faltered. The rest of the party fidgeted, as if ready to run any second. Brimir paled and it was not only due to the cold. His sword was now shaking so badly it nearly fell off his hand.

“They may be coming,” Fili countered. “You’ve promised you’ll go if we encounter any warg.”

“We haven’t encountered any yet,” Nyr said, glancing around them nervously as his grip on his old sword tightened.

Fili’s reply was stopped by a loud crack. All of them fell silent, turning their attention toward the source of the noise, a group of evergreen trees to their right. Even without sharpening his ears, Kili could hear the sounds of leaves and branches rustling and snow being crushed under weight. There seemed to be only one source of the noise but Kili didn’t want to let his guard down and moved closer to Nyr. Wargs were intelligent beasts; this could be a distraction. He scanned the area around them, half expecting to see glowing eyes and razor-sharp teeth amidst the snow, shrubberies, and trees. Their surroundings seemed still, quiet, both peaceful and threatening. Kili held his breath, waiting for any movement.

The rustling grew louder and suddenly Nori came to view. Thick fur coat covered him and his hood nearly hid his identity, but Kili was able to recognize him from the mace he used as a walking stick. He relaxed a little but then he noticed the serious expression on Nori’s face and immediately tensed again. Nori approached them hastily and stopped a few steps away, his gaze darting to the dwarfs who raised their swords once they knew it wasn’t a warg. Yet, despite looking uncomfortable and wary of being there, Nori didn’t move.

“Are you here to look for someone?” Nori asked, his tone more urgent than expected from an old friend during a chance encounter.

Kili’s eyes widened. “Nyrath. Have you seen him?”

Nori nodded curtly. “You must hurry. The wargs have him cornered. I’ll take you there.”

Kili and Fili traded a look of horror but Thorin only pursed his lips and turned toward the rest of the search party. “You heard him. There are wargs here. Now go! We’ll bring Nyrath back to you!” he barked.

Again, Nyr hesitated. The old dwarf looked at Thorin, caught between worry, doubt, and self-preservation. “Can I-can I go with you? I want to bring my son home,” he stammered. His knuckles whitened as he clutched his sword tightly.

Thorin scowled at Nyr unhappily but Kili stepped between them. He turned to Thorin to try to reason out with him and felt only a slight falter in his mind. He had never stood up to Thori. Thorin’s words had always been law to him, his opinions not debatable. In the quest, aside from contributing information from scouting, Kili’s role had been to listen, obey, and fight. However, things had changed and the situation was different. This was no time for silence and blind obedience. There were lives at risk and decisions had to be made carefully. Kili gathered his courage and gave his thoughts.

“We should take his offer. The wargs will keep us busy and we may even get injured. It may be difficult for us to rescue Nyrath,” Kili said.

Thorin frowned at him although his voice wasn’t quite as angry as Kili had feared when he spoke, “What are you suggesting?”

Kili glanced at Nyr. “We can distract the wargs while Nyr take Nyrath home. He doesn’t have to come near or join the fight-we just need to get Nyrath to him so he can bring him back.”

Fili nodded in agreement. “This is a good idea. This way we can ensure everyone’s safety.” Everyone but themselves, of course, but they understood the risk when they volunteered to look for Nyrath. Kili gave his brother small grateful smile for his support.

It seemed to take an eternity for Thorin to make decision. Each second torturous as they knew that Nyrath in a dire need for help. He looked at each of his nephews thoughtfully, then studied Nyr’s old form. Kili knew he had doubts of Nyr’s ability to help his son and himself escape the wargs, but he believed his plan could work. It was risky, indeed, but this way they had better chance of getting Nyrath home than if they were to do everything by themselves.

Finally, Thorin nodded. “All right. But no more argument,” he said to Nyr pointedly. Once he was certain Nyr would heed his words this time, he turned to the other dwarfs. “You should leave. The less dwarf to draw the wargs’ attention, the better,” he said brusquely.

Kili watched hurt crossed the other dwarfs’ faces. He understood the feeling as he had felt it often before. Thorin had criticized him harshly many times in the past and at many points in the quest Kili almost believed that he had only been a liability to the company. However, Thorin had only intended well, that his harsh words had masked concerns. Thorin had only wanted to protect Kili, kept him away from dangers which had constantly followed them. It was the same now. Regardless of Kili, Fili, and Thorin’s experience and fighting skill, they couldn’t fully guarantee that they could protect others from the wargs, so it was better that they left. Their pride was no doubt bruised and Thorin might have gained himself a few more enemies, but it was for the best. The dwarfs walked away, angry but not daring to argue, unaware that Thorin had just spared their lives.

“I’ll go with you,” Brimir said with a trembling voice. He glanced at Thorin nervously and then turned to Nyr. “You might need help to bring Nyrath home.”

Kili loathed putting Brimir in a dangerous situation yet again, but he was right. Nyr might need help and with another dwarf with him he’d be safer from whatever danger there might be on the way home. Knowing this, Thorin gave a short nod of agreement. When he turned away, his eyes met Kili’s for a moment, letting him know how terribly this could go. Kili gave him a small nod, letting him know that he understood. He would take it upon himself to protect Nyr and Brimir until they were well away from the wargs. He had started this search, after all, it was his responsibility to keep everyone safe.

“Let’s go,” Fili said, looking at Nori expectantly.

Nori quickly went toward the direction he had come from with the rest of them following behind him. Kili spared one second to look at their distancing companions before trees hid them from view. He focused then only on following Nori whose light feet had no trouble at all walking in the snow, leaving the rest of them struggling behind. Clearly he was no stranger to both this area of the forest and to surviving such bad weather. It took Kili a while to adjust but he followed Nori’s lead and managed to stay close to him. The others grunted quietly behind them in effort but there’s no time to spare by slowing down. They had to reach Nyrath as soon as possible.

“How many wargs are there?” Kili asked.

“Five, last I saw them. I was on my way back to my place when I saw that dwarf being pursued by the wargs.” He glanced at Kili, guilt twisting his expression. “There were too many of them and I couldn’t help on my own. I then remembered that I saw you and your friends earlier and thought that maybe you were searching for him, so I came to you.”

Kili sighed gratefully for the luck and for Nori to come to them instead of fighting the wargs on his own as Kili would do if he were in that situation. He rather regretted that Nori had to give away his presence in Ered Luin in order to help, however, and hoped this hadn’t gotten Nori into trouble. “Five wargs and there were three of us. We may have a chance.”

“ _Four_ of us,” Nori corrected. “And I hope so. That howl, they’re calling their friends. I hope we arrive before them.”

Breath caught, Kili looked behind him. Thorin and Fili looked back with identical worry, having heard what Nori had said. Wordlessly, they forced their legs to work harder, using adrenaline to make themselves move just a little faster. The chill stabbed their protesting lungs as they walked faster but they ignored it. The world passed in a white blur around them. They barely paid any attention to their surroundings except for quick looks to make sure that there was no danger around them. Kili was barely aware of where they were, trusting Nori to bring them to the right place. He only knew that they were moving against the direction of the wind so that the wargs wouldn’t detect them too early.

Feral growls alerted them that they had arrived. Despite the urgency, they slowed down to assess the situation. Without being told, they moved carefully and tried to make as little sound as possible. They hid behind rocks protruding from the layer of snow, watching the wargs circling a tree a few yards in front of them. Up the tree, Nyrath clutched the bark tightly, but it was far too soon to celebrate finding him. The branch he was sitting on slightly bowed under his weight, likely to give up sooner or later. From where they were, it’s impossible to tell his condition, whether he was injured or not, but having been outdoor for so long and after being pursued by the wargs, he must be cold and tired, his endurance pushed to the limit. The wargs seemed to know this, too. They couldn’t climb trees but that didn’t make them give up. Every now and then the biggest warg jumped at the tree, shaking it to make Nyrath fall. The poor dwarf shouted and he gripped the tree tighter, his voice was hoarse, weak, exciting the wargs further.

Kili quickly made a mental calculation of where they were and how far they were from the darker part of the forest where the wargs usually lived. They were in an area rarely visited by hunters unless food was scarce and they went in groups, as it was a little too close to the dangerous area. It would take them a while to reach the safety of home, which was terrible news because if other wargs had heard the howl, they would probably arrive soon. They had to make their move now. Kili turned to Nyr and Brimir. “Do you know how to get home?” he whispered.

Brimir and Nyr looked around them. “Not precisely,” Nyr admitted.

Kili gave them a quick direction to more familiar territory, using landmarks which they would be able to spot even in this season. He also gave them his equipments and supplies as they likely would need those more than him and because it was easier to fight without weight on his shoulders. “Once Nyrath is with you, go immediately. Don’t worry about the wargs. We’ll not let them chase you.”

Nyr and Brimir nodded quickly, thankfully not arguing this time. Seeing this, Thorin quickly explained their plan. “Kili, you and Fili help Nyrath down that tree and bring him to Nyr and Brimir. Nori and I will distract the wargs while you help Nyrath. Our priority is to keep him safe and then to stop the wargs from going after them.”  Thorin ordered. After they nodded, he turned his attention to the wargs. “Draw your weapons,” he said quietly to Kili, Fili, and Nori.

Thorin, Fili, and Kili unsheathed their swords, the sound of metal brushing against metal masked by a loud snarl of a warg. Nori tightened his grip on his trusty mace. The air was thick with tension as they waited for their chance. The second the wargs were distracted with trying to shake the tree again, they left their hiding place. They were quiet at first, not wanting to give their hidden companions away, but once they were far enough, they ran with a war cry, startling some of the wargs.

Having ears keener than dwarfs, some of the wargs had noticed their coming before they announced their presence with a shout. Nevertheless, they managed to surprise the pack. Nori’s mace was the first to find a mark, slamming against the side of a warg and throwing it down, whimpering. Thorin, Fili, and Kili weren’t far behind. Their swords cut thick skin and muscles and soon metals and dark fur were covered in red. The wargs whimpered but didn’t retreat. In fact, they seemed to be furious. They flashed their teeth to the dwarfs and pounced at them as if uninjured. Snow didn’t hinder them the way it hindered dwarfs, but with determination and skill, the dwarfs managed to defend themselves and even fought back. Thorin was the first to fell the beast, stabbing a warg’s neck, spraying red over white snow and sending it down with a small whimper.

The death of the warg seemed to affect the other wargs. They moved back a little, more cautious to their enemies now, perhaps aware that these weren’t common hunters. Thorin and Nori didn’t waste any second, charging toward the four remaining beasts, getting them away from the tree Nyrath was on. Fili and Kili used this opportunity to help Nyrath climb down the tree. The dwarf had been outside for so long that his body was stiff. His feet kept slipping on the rough back and his grip was weak and if not for Fili readily catching him, he would’ve fallen not halfway down the tree. Nearby, a warg snarled angrily but Kili didn’t even bother to look. He knew Thorin and Nori would be able to stop the wargs, outnumbered though they were. He and Fili quickly examined Nyrath and found scratches on his side where a warg’s claw had torn clothes and dug under it. It still bled a little but the wound wasn’t deep. The torn clothes, however, had allowed the chill inside, freezing Nyrath.

“Can you stand?” Fili asked urgently. “Can you walk? Your father and Brimir are right over there. They’ll take you home while we keep these wargs busy.”

Nyrath nodded weakly, unable to speak. Kili and Fili quickly helped him to his feet and pushed him to the direction of Nyr and Brimir who were now standing up so that Nyrath could see them. He hobbled when he ran, his ankle had apparently been sprained somewhere along the way. A chilling howl penetrated the cold air, making Kili shiver, before it was cut short by a sword but they knew that if there were other wargs, they must have heard it. Kili and Fili looked at each other, communicating without words. Fili quickly joined Thorin and Nori while Kili watched Nyrath reunite with his father and Brimir. He stood between them and the wargs so that they would have to pass him first to reclaim their lost prey. He wasn’t kept waiting long. The biggest warg which he had seen trying to shake the tree earlier left Nori to go after Nyrath. The earth seemed to shake as its paws pounded the ground but Kili only raised his sword as a response. The beast leapt toward him, its teeth and claws ready to rip him to pieces. Kili dodged the attack at the last moment and used his sword to cut the warg and push it to the side, mindful to keep it away from the escape route. From the corners of his eyes, he could see Nyrath, Nyr, and Brimir making their way home with Nyrath being carried on Brimir’s back. The warg saw it, too, but before it reacted, Kili was upon it, his sword slicing through the thick skin of its shoulder. It didn’t go without struggle, however, and its paw hit Kili, punching breath out of him. But, Kili persevered and he cut the warg’s soft underbelly, sending blood spraying him. The warg let out a pained cry. Its wildly flailing paws met Kili again, its claws cutting his trousers and the leg beneath, but it had lost the fight.

There was no time to rest. From behind tall trees, another warg emerged, then another. Kili took a deep breath and joined his companions. His injury stung when he ran but he ignored it. He thought of what Thorin had said: his priority was to prevent the wargs from reaching the escaping dwarfs. Right now, they were still within sight, easy to capture if just one warg managed to slip past Kili’s defenses. He couldn’t let that happen.

It was difficult to measure time when he was so focused on surviving. Kili panted harshly as he grew weary. His arms felt heavy and he feared his sword had grown dull. Yet, in front of him, the wargs were growling and snarling still, bleeding but not surrendering. They seemed to understand Thorin’s plan to stop them from chasing after Nyr, Nyrath, and Brimir. They knew that these dwarfs and their swords and weapons were difficult preys while the ones running away were much easier. Now, instead of attacking the remaining dwarfs, they tried to pass them. They kept their distance, gauging their opponents’ power and then suddenly leapt forward, using superior size and speed to surprise them and try to pass their defenses. So far, these attempts failed, gaining them wounds only, but they were determined to run after their escaped preys just as the dwarfs were determined to give their friends an opportunity to run.

A warg growl before it launched itself at Fili who managed to cut its chest at the very last moment, sending it to a whimpering death. Distracted, Kili almost missed it when another warg ran toward him. He only just managed to step aside, away from certain death, but his foot slipped on the snow and with his injury, he fell down. He almost thought he had failed, that he had let that warg pass, when he heard pained whimpers behind him. Suddenly he was pulled back to his feet by Thorin’s strong hand on his arm. There was blood on Thorin’s hair, skin, and clothes and it’s impossible to tell the origin with just a cursory look. He was breathing heavily, not taking his eyes off the remaining wargs as he steadied Kili.

“Are you all right?”

Kili nodded, then answered loudly when he realized that Thorin might not notice it. “I am.”

Thorin squeezed Kili’s arm. “Just a while more,” he said quietly, knowing that these wargs understood their speech. He gave Kili a quick look, a mixture of worry, affection, and determination, and then released him.

Holding on to Thorin’s words, Kili braced himself for the seemingly endless waves of attacks from the beasts. Two more wargs were killed but another came from the forest and Kili feared that there were still more to come. There was little they could do when the wargs howled for help as they were trying to maintain distance from each other. Kili also knew that if more wargs kept coming, they would eventually be outnumbered or at least exhausted enough to be defeated, their weapons rendered useless. It was now a waiting game. The dwarfs were waiting for their companions to have gone far enough from danger and the wargs were waiting for their friends to arrive to help. Kili didn’t believe much in luck, but he fervently wished that it was on their side today.

With no warning, Thorin suddenly charged toward the wargs, of which there were now six. It was the sign that Kili, Fili, and Nori had been waiting for. They quickly followed his lead with a battle cry, surprising the wargs. They weren’t holding back this time. Their goal was to kill these wargs as soon as possible and then leave as Nyrath and the others should already be far enough to be safe, no longer needing them to stop the wargs from coming after them. So, Kili swung his sword, cutting and stabbing through flesh and bones. He heard sickening crushes as Nori’s mace hit and break bones, whimpers and snarls as metal cut skin and flesh, grunts and cries as claws and fangs dug into clothes and the fragile body beneath. He only looked long enough to make sure that the others were all right before letting his instinct take over again.

At one point, Kili stood back to back with Thorin. He felt Thorin’s body heave with heavy breathing, clearly exhausted and possibly injured. A warg took advantage of this and pushed him to the ground. Thorin’s sword fell away as he grunted at the impact. With his bare hands, he pushed the warg’s snout away, but his strength was diminishing. The beast’s snapping jaw inched closer and closer to Thorin’s throat, promising agonizing death, its claws digging into Thorin’s shoulder.

Without thinking, Kili threw himself at the warg. He climbed onto its back and stabbed it, causing it to move back slightly in pain. Thorin used the opportunity to get Fili’s blade and cut its neck. He rolled away just before the warg fell lifeless to the snow, dislodging Kili from its back. He fell almost in front of another warg which would bite him if not for Nori’s mace crashing against its head, sending it away, disoriented, to be finished by Fili. Kili staggered to his feet and noted with relief that Thorin did the same. They continued fighting until the number of the wargs diminished to one. It tried to run to the forest but Kili reached it first and landed a killing blow on its already injured body.

The beasts gone, Kili was finally able to pay close attention to their situation. The snow, once pristine white, was now red. Warg corpses littered the forest floor, their blood forming a small grisly lake. The dwarfs were also covered in blood and their clothes were tattered. They swayed slightly in tiredness as they struggled to regain their breaths. The scene seemed surreal, seemingly coming from a strange cross between a nightmare and a good dream. Their chance wasn’t very good but somehow, against all odds, they managed to do just as Thorin had planned. Kili now wanted nothing more than to rest but he knew it wasn’t wise. The scent of blood would draw various predators, so it was best to leave immediately as they were in no shape for more fighting.

Thorin picked up his discarded sword and looked at his companions. “Let’s go home,” he said hoarsely.

Kili, Fili, and Nori nodded. Once again Kili took the lead, although he planned to ask Fili to replace him once they reached more familiar area. They tried to move as fast as possible but their progress was quite markedly slower than before. Every so often, one of them would look back in case something decided to give them chase. Every little sound also made them jump and ready their weapons threateningly. Adrenaline was still pumped through their veins, masking some of their pain. Their bodies were still warm from the fight, but the cold would soon reintroduce itself to them. Kili had half a mind to worry that their bodies would fail before they reached home, but they eventually found themselves in a safer location. This time, Fili showed the way back to Ered Luin while Kili limped behind him. Thorin walked beside him, catching him whenever he nearly fell, while Nori leaned most of his body weight on his mace, relying on the weapon to keep him upright. They walked slower but didn’t dare to take breaks for fear of wargs finding them. Even when tiny flecks of white began to fall, they didn’t stop. They were covered in blood, easy to discover by those beasts and other predators. It’s best to keep walking until they reach settlement area where they knew even wargs wouldn’t go to no matter how angry and hungry. So, Kili counted each step he took and noted every tree and rock he saw, waiting to take the step which would be the final to take to escape this place.

They seemed to walk for hours. Time was a hazy blur and their mind was focused only on survival. When the sight of a snow-covered field came to sight, Kili gasped in shocked relief. Motivated by this, they walked faster until eventually they passed the final tree and walked on a familiar road. Snow still greeted their sight but there were also houses in the distance, their chimneys releasing smoke into the grey sky. Danger was far behind them now, a distant memory that lived in the pains and aches all over their bodies. Kili reached out for Fili’s hand and squeezed it tightly. Despite wanting to do the same with Thorin, Kili still had the presence of mind to stop himself. But, when he looked at Thorin, he was smiling softly, as if disbelieving that they were there. The smile widened when his eyes met Kili’s and Kili felt a little warmer. Even Nori seemed hugely relieved, sighing happily and leaning his forehead tiredly on his bloody mace. They’re back. They’re back home alive.

But, there was one thing still left to do. Instead of going home immediately, they went to Nyr’s house. From outside, they could only hear muffled sounds of activities inside, but no clear confirmation that Nyr, Nyrath, and Brimir had arrived. Kili knocked on the door, the sound too loud in the silent outdoor. He fidgeted nervously as he waited for the door to be opened. He ran through the previous event in his mind, trying to calculate how much time he had bought them, how far they might have gone when Thorin decided to stop delaying, how things could go wrong when Kili and the others weren’t present. Kili took a deep breath to calm himself but still he was anxious. He needed to know whether those dwarfs had made their way home safely. When he knocked on the door again, his hand was slightly shaking.

The door swung open. But, instead of Nyr’s wife, they were greeted by Dis. Her eyes widened as she took in their state. For a moment she stared at them wordlessly. Then, she noticed the state that the dwarfs were in and started trembling in worry. “Oh! Are you all right?” she frantically asked Kili as he was the closest to the door, patting his torso with unsteady hand to search for his wounds. Her eyes were wide when she saw the injury on Kili’s leg.

His mother’s care brought unexpected tightness to Kili’s throat. He had to swallow thickly before he answered. “I’m all right, Mother. It’s not my blood and this wound isn’t so deep,” Kili replied with a smile.

Dis didn’t look very convinced but she let him be for now. She gripped his shoulder tightly, as if fearing that he would disappear if she so much as looked away, as she turned to Fili. “Fili, my son! Are you all right?”

Fili stepped closer to her to allow her to touch his face to reassure herself that he was indeed here and well. “I’m also all right, Mother,” he said, holding the hand on his cheek.

Dis looked from one son to another then pulled both of them into a tight embrace, not caring about their blood on their clothes. She sobbed on their shoulders as they held her. “I thought… I feared you have… You were gone for so long.”

“We’re here,” Fili said, stroking her quaking back. His voice was calm but when his eyes met Kili’s behind her back, Kili saw that they were glassy. “We’re all right,” he said throatily and buried his face in her shoulder.

Kili felt his eyes began to wet as well. He closed them tightly and hid his face in Dis’s other shoulder. He was a little too old for this but he couldn’t resist the draw of his mother’s embrace, the warmth and comfort of home in her arms. He couldn’t help being immensely grateful to see her again, to have their little family complete.

They clung to each other for a time before Dis released her sons. She wiped the tears off her face and turned to Thorin. “Brother,” she whispered to Thorin. When Thorin nodded to her, she released a choked laughter and pulled him to a hug. Her cheeks were wet again when they pulled apart but she wasn’t crying. She then turned to the last dwarf with a slightly puzzled look.

“Lady Dis,” Nori greeted with a small bow. He was polite but stilted, unnatural, and it occurred to Kili that he had only seen Nori speak to Dis one other time: before they left for the journey. Thorin, Fili, and Kili had grown to know him on the road but he was still a stranger to Dis. Kili noticed Nori slowly retreating and frowned.

However, before Kili could stop Nori, Dis held the hand gripping the mace tightly. When Nori looked at her in surprise, she merely smiled kindly. “You helped my sons and my brother, didn’t you? Thank you,” she said, squeezing his hand gently. She ignored his awestruck expression and urged them to enter the house. “Come inside! It’s cold out there!”

Kili looked around the sparse sitting room, filled with a handful of old furniture and faded paintings on the wall. The rug on the floor was worn, strings escaping atthe edges. There was an axe on top of the fireplace, the style was old but distinct, likely a family heirloom. There’s no one in sight although he could hear voices coming from other rooms. There was a faint aroma of soup in the air. The fireplace roared in life, sending heat around the house. After the cold he had braced for so long, the warmth was a very welcomed change. However, Kili was here not for physical comfort.

“Nyr, Nyrath and Brimir. Have they arrived?” Kili asked Dis.

Dis nodded. “A while ago. They’re putting Nyrath in a hot bath to make him warm. Nyr and Brimir were well although a little cold. Brimir is in the kitchen, eating hot soup, but Nyr insists on staying with Nyrath.”

Kili sagged in relief. He looked at the other faces around him and knew they felt the same. They had fulfilled their promise. They had brought everyone home safe and alive. Now knowing that his mission was complete, he became acutely aware of his physical condition. The effects of being hours in the forest and battling the wargs nearly overwhelmed him. He was suddenly very tired and very cold. He wished nothing more than to have a soak in a tub of warm water to remove blood and dirt from his body and sleep under thick blankets or perhaps to have a warm meal in front of the fireplace, surrounded by family and things he associated with happiness and safety. Kili missed his home, humble as it might be.

“Do you want to see them?” Dis asked.

They glanced at each other and then looked at their state. Their clothes were ripped in places and they were covered with blood and snow. Behind them, they had left a dirty track on the wooden floor. They moved away from the furniture around them self-consciously, worried of dirtying anything more than they already had. As much as Kili wanted to make sure with his own eyes that Nyr, Nyrath, and Brimir were well, he thought this might not be the right time.

“Not now. We should go home first,” Fili replied for all of them.

“Oh, of course. I’ll go home with you.”

Kili shook his head. “If you’re still needed here, you should stay. We can manage on our own.”

Dis glanced behind her. The soft murmurs of conversation were still in the air, interspersed by quiet but distinguishable sobs. Though they couldn’t see what was happening inside the rooms, it was clear that Nyr’s family were still recovering from the near-loss of Nyrath. Dis bit her lip. “Are you sure?”

“We’ll be fine,” Thorin said to reassure her. “They need you more.”

With Thorin’s encouragement, Dis finally nodded. It was obvious that she wanted to be with her family, but she knew who needed her more. “I won’t be long,” she promised as she opened the door for them.

Thorin nodded. “Give them our regards.”

Dis watched them until they were out of the property. Huddling together for warmth now that the adrenaline had completely left their bodies, they hurried to Kili’s house. They used what was left of their clothes to protect their faces from bitterly cold wind and buried their hands deep in their pockets. Each step felt heavier than the last but they persevered, promising themselves comfort once they arrived. The neighborhood was quiet, nearly as quiet as the forest. There was no one on the streets, understandable as snow had fallen again. The chimneys puffing smoke to the air was the only sign that there were dwarfs in there, safe and warm among their loved ones. Kili glanced at Fili, Thorin, and Nori and smiled to himself. He might not be warm, but he was certainly safe and among his loved ones.

It was a relief when they finally arrived home. They rushed in and closed the door behind them firmly, shutting out the dark grey sky, cold wind, and freezing snow. Thorin immediately lit the fireplace while Fili went to the kitchen to boil water for them. Kili took a medicine box from Dis’s room and some change of clothes and brought it to the sitting area where the fire had started. They cleaned blood off their skin with warm water from basins Fili had brought from the kitchen and took off the blood-soaked and rent outfits. The clothes were thrown into a pile to be examined (and hopefully salvaged) later. Perhaps the blood would stain leather but they had their injuries to tend to now.

Miraculously, they escaped major injuries. There were cuts and a few shallow punctures, but they had all stopped bleeding. Bruises were hurt to touch so they left those alone, knowing that they would disappear within a few days. Fili sustained wounds that required a little stitching but he refused when Kili suggested calling a healer. Thankfully, Nori was able to help because Kili didn’t trust his clumsy fingers to perform something so delicate. Nori seemed very proficient with treating injuries, Kili noted, perhaps owing to the fact that he was used to surviving away from the society. He dressed his own wounds quickly before treating Fili. Kili himself didn’t need help. He managed to cover his injuries on his own although he had to move a little gingerly. His fall from the warg’s back had left a huge bruise on his side which hurt when he moved. He pursed his lips as he dressed slowly, thinking of the next couple of days when he wouldn’t be able to be of much help to his family.

A small grunt drew Kili’s attention to Thorin. He was frowning as he tried to wrap bandage around his torso and shoulder. Kili’s eyes widened when he noticed the wounds on Thorin’s shoulder which reopened due to his movements. He quickly put a cloth on the wound and pressed it to stop the bleeding. Thorin looked up in surprise, stilling at the unexpected touch.

“Is it that warg?” Kili asked, not taking his eyes off Thorin’s shoulder. “The one that had you pinned down?” When Thorin nodded, Kili pressed the wound harder. It had been very close. The warg’s teeth had been inches away from Thorin’s head and neck, its claws could have torn Thorin’s flesh. Kili replayed the moment over and over in his head, thinking of how Thorin might now be here had he hesitated in helping, how Thorin could’ve died.

“It’s the warg that gave you this,” Thorin said quietly, his fingers very lightly brushing Kili’s side where his bruise was located, setting it on fire. The touch was brief. Thorin quickly pulled his hand back and looked away. Kili couldn’t clearly see his face, but he saw his hands clenching into fists and knew that he, too, was recalling the moment.

Once sure that the bleeding had stopped, Kili removed the cloth. He took the bandage from Thorin’s hand. “Let me help,” he pleaded.

Thorin looked at him for a moment and then nodded. Kili worked in silence, trying to focus on the task but unable to not notice other things. He was aware of how Thorin carefully kept his eyes away from him, how he gripped his thighs so tightly, how his breathing was too carefully measured. Kili himself struggled with not touching skin more than necessary and keeping his thoughts to himself, instead of voicing the storm of thoughts and emotions within him. When he was finished, he moved away and immediately missed the closeness. Kili turned his gaze to the orange flame, forcing his thoughts to calm down.

After their injuries were properly treated, they sorted their clothes. Kili was grateful to see that almost everything was salvageable with a few patches and stitches. His trousers were gone, however, as the tear was too large to be sewn back together or patched with clothes. Sighing, he threw that to a mercifully small pile of unsalvageable clothes. He wiped blood caking leather until it’s completely gone or only unnoticeable spots were left. Nori’s fur coat required some more extensive cleaning as the black fur had now turn dark red. He tried to clean it for a while before giving up, tired and frustrated. They agreed that their weapons could wait until they had proper rest. They stacked the blades, swords, and mace neatly on one corner to be taken care of later, perhaps in the morning, or even later than that.

Fili started when Thorin suddenly thrust his blade toward him instead of putting it away with the others. Thorin’s gaze was steady and calm when Fili looked at him in confusion. A few steps away from them, Kili watched the exchange quietly.

“This has saved my life,” Thorin explained. “Thank you.”

Fili looked at Thorin, then the blade offered to him. “I’m glad it has been of help and you’re here with us,” he said sincerely with a smile for Thorin and took the blade.

Tension melted from Thorin. He returned Fili’s smile, tentatively at first, then with more confidence when Fili’s expression didn’t falter. Thorin clasped Fili’s arm lightly, a small gesture which they knew well meant something far deeper. Even Fili couldn’t hide how pleased that made him. It seemed that he had been waiting for the opportunity to make amends with Thorin. Kili looked away and hid a smile of his own.

Clean, warm, and tired they immediately felt drowsy. However, they couldn’t quite bring themselves to climb the stairs and go to Fili and Kili’s rooms. When Dis returned just as they sky turned completely dark, she found them asleep on the chairs in the sitting room which they had pushed closer to the roaring fire. The wood was hard on their aching body but they didn’t mind, snoring softly as they replenished the energy they had lost. Her laughter didn’t wake them, but the smell of roasted chicken did a while later. Half-asleep, they trudged to the kitchen where Dis had prepared a small feast. It’s a little too lavish, especially considering their current situation, but no one complained, eager to have something warm in their stomachs.

Kili hadn’t realized how hungry he was until he ate. It had been hours since his last meal and the search and the fight with wargs had taken every last energy reserve he had. He ate almost without chewing and after being more awake and alert he began to chat with the others, mainly complimenting how heavenly Dis’s cooking was. She denied that she had made anything special but Kili was adamant that this was the most delicious meal he had ever had and everyone else agreed.

“You’re just hungry, that’s all. I’ve cooked this so many times before and you didn’t think it’s anything special,” Dis said with a flush on her cheek. Her eyes were bright and she looked at the faces around her. She kept putting piles upon piles of food on everyone’s plate but had barely finished her soup.

“No,” Kili insisted, shaking his head. “You must have used something different this time. It was never this good!”

Fili nodded empathically. “There’s definitely special ingredient this time.”

“Oh, hush, you two!” Dis said, swatting her sons’ arms lightly and then apologizing when they’re pretending to be hurt.

“I have to agree with them,” Nori said, grinning jovially, “This is the finest feast I’ve ever had.”

They all laughed when Dis sighed and shook her head in exasperation. Kili could barely remember the last time they had a feast. They had little to celebrate, and when they did have something to celebrate, they’re in no state to have a celebration at all. This feast felt like a visit to the past. Many times they had invited Thorin and their friends for dinner. Their wing in Thorin’s Hall had been lighted by hundreds of candles on those nights and laughter and music had reverberated in the entire mountain. Kili still remembered the singing and dancing which lasted well past midnight and the endless servings of food and drink prepared by the best chefs in all of Ered Luin. He remembered Dis in her best dresses entertaining dwarf lords and ladies she had known since she was but a child. He remembered dancing and joking with Fili and their friends and stealing a moment or two with young ladies. He remembered Thorin being the center of all attention as he always was, drinking on one side of the room while conversing with old dwarfs, ignoring the admiring stares thrown his way.

By comparison, this dinner was a very tiny affair. However, there was nothing wrong with having an intimate celebration and they certainly wasn’t lacking in merriment despite the simplicity. Fili and Kili still joked with everyone, Dis still made pleasant chats that brought smiles to everyone’s face, Thorin was still a silent but delightful part of the party, and Nori, while a new element in such event, was as fun as any number of company they had had. Especially after he admitted that he had helped Kili when he was attacked by the wargs months prior, he was even more accepted into their small family. Dis gave the best slice of the chicken for him and Fili couldn’t stop rising his glass for him. Thorin even patted his back gratefully, making Nori jumped slightly. The difference between then and now decreased even further. The songs and dances they could provide later after eating. While the meal and drink served were just enough for them, Kili didn’t mind and he knew neither did the others. It’s the warmth in his heart and in his body which Kili needed, wanted, and missed the most, and he had it now.

They missed the first knock on the front door, so raucous their laughter was. When the second knock came, louder than the previous one, they abruptly fell silent, looking at each other. When no one moved, Kili left his seat and went to the front door. Visitor at this hour rarely came with good news, especially considering their situation lately. His mind immediately turned toward Nyrath. Had something happened to him or his family? Dis had returned home, so they must have been well when she left them, but what if something happened after she’s gone? Kili hastened to the door, the others following him.

Kili’s worry didn’t improve when he discovered that it was Brimir on the other side of the door. He quickly invited the dwarf in. The snow was no longer falling but it was still quite cold outside and Brimir must still be tired. “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Nyr or Nyrath?” he asked without thinking.

Brimir looked surprised by the question. “No. They’re well. Nyrath is recuperating at his house,” he replied. He then fidgeted, looking at the apprehensive faces staring at him, and then seemed to make up his mind. “I’m here to invite all of you for a drink as a thank you. If you don’t mind, that is.”

“Oh!” Kili exclaimed, his eyes wide, not expecting that to be the reason of the visit. No one had ever come to invite them to anything and it had been a long while since they had gone to any tavern for a drink. Isolation had become a seemingly permanent fixture of their lives that he had forgotten how it felt to be included in something involving others. Kili looked at Fili for help, too overwhelmed to talk.

Fili looked similarly surprised but managed to compose himself to reply. “You don’t have to. We did nothing.”

Brimir shook his head. “No. Without you, Nyrath wouldn’t be at home, Nyr would lose a son, and I a friend. We also wouldn’t have made have made it home safely without you delaying those wargs. The least I can do is to buy you a drink.”

A smile formed on Fili’s lips. His eyes shone brighter than fire when he looked at Kili. For the first time in months, Kili finally saw him truly happy and he knew from the way Fili looked at him that he had similar expression on his face. He looked at Thorin who seemed relieved to have some of the burden of guilt removed from his shoulders. He smiled softly, relaxed for the first time since he returned to Ered Luin. Kili wanted to hold him and ease what burden was still left, assured him that, as they had just seen, eventually everything would be all right.

“Let us get our coats,” Fili finally said.

The winter night was cold but they hardly felt it as they made their way to a tavern. Brimir chose a nearby establishment as to avoid walking for too long in this season, but Kili felt as though he could walk for miles. Every so often, he looked at Fili with a grin on his face and received the same in reply. Though the road wasn’t slippery, they held hands tightly. Thorin walked with his back straight, no longer trying to hide himself, as Dis held one of his arms while he held a lantern with the other. Kili saw his mother whisper something to Thorin that made him smile, a sight which made Kili’s heart flutter happily. Even Nori seemed cheerful. He smiled widely and there was a little skip to his every step that made Kili fear he would fall. Somehow, despite their distractedness they managed to arrive at the tavern upright and without incident.

It was a small establishment which mostly served dwarfs who lived nearby, those who had known each other since birth or had lived close to each other for decades. The patronage it drew was reflected in the simple but rather homely decoration. There were personal touches in the carvings on woods and walls, paintings of dwarfs Kili assumed were the previous owners, and old heirloom swords crossed above the bar. This was the kind of place which didn’t serve the best drinks or food for dwarfs came not (only) for those, but for the familiar company. Tonight, the tavern was quite crowded with patrons who wished for warmth the hearths in their houses could not provide. It’s not as busy as other nights as many still preferred to not brave the winter but the place was still lively. The owner’s daughter who doubled as a maid navigated her way through tables and chairs to serve drinks and food to their customers. Conversations-most of which was complaining about the weather-filled the air. There was no music, singing, or dancing yet but Kili knew it would soon change. The customers were mostly still sober now but as the night wore on, they would definitely be more music and less complaining.

The voices stopped when the customers saw who was arriving. They looked at them with strange expression, not hateful but definitely not inviting, either. Kili paused, worried that he wasn’t welcomed here. He noted the faces of the dwarfs who had gone with them during the search but as with the others, they seemed hesitant to welcome them. Kili had come here to welcoming greetings a couple of times in the past but things were different now, a lot more delicate, and Brimir’s invitation was only their first step toward earning forgiveness. Kili didn’t want to ruin that.

However, the conversation started again a few seconds later and the dwarfs returned their attention to their friends and drinks. Kili and his family sat at a table at the back of the tavern, as far away as they could be in the small space, minding their current situation. Brimir greeted their neighbors with familiarity but Kili and his family only nodded and smiled. Nori tried to make himself scarce. Kili saw him eyeing the door, his earlier confidence had turned into suspicion. Kili didn’t think Brimir tried to do them harm, however, and if they did get into trouble, the fault was their own rather than Brimir’s.

“How are you doing?” Kili asked Brimir after their drinks arrive.

Brimir sighed and shook his head as if in disbelieve. “Surprisingly well, thanks to you. We heard you fight the wargs for what seemed to be miles. I thought about going back to help but Nyrath was too weak to walk and I didn’t think Nyr would manage to carry him home on his own.” Brimir looked at them apologetically. “I’m sorry. I should’ve helped,” he said, looking at the scars and bruises all over them.

Fili shook his head in denial. “No. We asked you to leave. As you said, Nyr and Nyrath needed you.”

“Did you find any trouble on the way back?” Kili asked.

“Aside from the snow, no. We fell a few times. We were so tired and scared that the wargs would come after us that we weren’t paying attention. But, somehow, we made it. I knew as soon as I recognized the area that we’ll be all right.”

Kili smiled to him. “I’m glad you are.”

They talked about how Brimir made it out of the forest with Nyr and Nyrath, how they managed to find their way with the direction Kili had given, and how Brimir had considered going back to help but decided against it because he wasn’t sure he knew his way. He inquired about the wargs and Kili and Fili had to restrain themselves from speaking with too much excitement. It had been a frightening moment, but now, far from the forest and very much alive, they could look back with pride. They still wished it didn’t have to happen, of course, but to defeat so many wargs was quite an achievement. Even Thorin looked mildly proud as they told their tale. He was still wary of the memory, understandably, but he could appreciate it as they do. Only Dis was unhappy, asking over and over about how each warg had wounded them and touching the injuries to make sure that they were properly treated.

“We are quite resilient, Dis. Don’t worry,” Thorin said to calm his sister.

Dis pursed her lips. “I know that and I trust your skills. However, I don’t like that you are injured at all.”

Of course Dis knew this and trusted them. Injury was a risk they constantly faced, especially in the past. As a princess she had known exactly what responsibilities her sons and brother had, had understood that wars and battles were constant threats, had been aware that her loved ones would march with their army sooner or later. She had seen many dwarfs go to battle but never return. She had experienced it herself with her sons and her brother. But some things never became easier despite experience. From across the table Kili could only give her an apologetic look for there was nothing they could do to change the past or guarantee a safer future.

As to not upset her further, they changed the topic to the weather. It didn’t snow as badly as yesterday so they probably could return to work tomorrow. Fili winced, thinking of what awaited at the smithy. Kili wasn’t much happier. He planned to stay at home to remove the snow from their yard and the roof, something which his injuries wouldn’t like. Even with Nori’s offer to help, he was still not looking forward to it. They all turned envious eyes toward Thorin who would spend the day in the warmth of the mountain. Politics was never easy and administration was tedious, but at least he wouldn’t have to do physical chores and brace the elements. He disagreed, telling them how he had to go from chamber to chamber to deliver documents to officials. It might not seem much but with the size of Thorin’s Hall, it was quite an exhausting work. Kili had to agree, remembering the enormity of those halls and distance between one chamber and another. Now, he looked at Thorin with pity.

The arrival of a new customer distracted them. Nyr walked in, limping slightly. He nodded and waved to the familiar faces greeting him until he saw Kili’s table. He started to approach them but a question about Nyrath stopped him. He nodded to them apologetically before joining another table where the dwarfs who had gone to search Nyrath were eagerly waiting for his story. The rest of the customers didn’t seem to be aware of Nyr’s arrival but Kili could tell from the lower volume of the conversations that they were listening to him as he spoke. Kili looked at Thorin and Fili, shrugged ever so slightly, and resumed their conversation quietly.

Brimir ordered their third round of ale and Kili started to worry that he had made Brimir spent too much. Fili thought the same and offered to pay this time, but Brimir refused. They insisted, however, reminding Brimir that he had only promised to buy them one drink and he had ordered two for each of them. Finally, Brimir relented and allowed Fili to make the order. His wide smile when Fili and Kili returned with the tankards suggested that he was relieved by the offer. Kili and Fili glanced at each other surreptitiously. It seemed to be best if they didn’t stay for long. A look at Thorin, Dis, and Nori told them that they thought the same. They sipped their drink slowly, trying to formulate a polite way to end the night.

Suddenly the air was filled with a hum. The glass windows rattled slightly with the vibration but the sound was nearly inaudible as one by one, the patrons joined the song. Kili frowned, not recognizing the song. It was too grave to be a tavern song and sounded more like a mourning song. It reminded him of Misty Mountain and, to an extent, the song Thorin had hummed for him in Erebor. It’s peaceful but sad, each tune tugging the strings of the listeners’ hearts. Only Brimir and Nori knew the song but Nori seemed unable to join, staring instead with transfixed eyes. Meanwhile, Brimir stood up and joined the other customers, humming. The fire crackled in the hearth, the light danced on somber faces. The combined voices filled the tavern. No one dared to speak. And then the song started.

It told a story of a young prince banished from his home, forced to wander the land as all turned their backs to him. It spoke of his struggle to survive not only pain and starvation but also insults. It praised his eventual success to build a new home, though it was but a shadow of his real one. It sang about the wealth he brought his people, the dignity he restored, the power he reclaimed. It cried about the longing in his heart for his past and his rights, the longing which eventually drove him away from his new home with his two princes, young dwarfs full of promises who were eager to prove their loyalty to their family and people. It spoke of creatures of darkness they met and defeated on their journey and new friendships forged from the hardships they faced. It celebrated their success in defeating the thieving dragon which had taken their mountain kingdom. It cried a warning of a battle which was a meeting of great forces, which turned the desolated land red and the winter sky black, which tested the strength and willpower of warriors, which never favored them at all, which finally won them what they had thought had been lost forever. But the price of victory was high. The three princes fought alongside their brothers in arms to pay it, tireless and fearless until they fell, their lives the coins which brought glory. The song mourned the deaths of the prince turned King under the Mountain who ruled only for a few short days and his heirs who lost their lives shielding him from enemies, their potentials never realized. It grieved for the wisdom, generosity, kindness, selflessness, responsibility, courage, loyalty, honor, and sincerity lost; for unmatched souls taken too soon from their people to join their honorable fathers. It thanked them for their sacrifices to give new life and hope to their people, for welfare unparalleled, for glory and pride thought to belong to history, for home that was truly a home, and for a life that was truly alive.

The final note trailed off into silence. No one looked at Kili’s table but they bowed their heads in respect for the honorable dead. Dis clasped her hand over her mouth, her eyes brimming with tears. Kili let out a shuddering breath. When he looked at his hands, he found them shaking. He looked at Thorin and Fili and saw that they were equally shocked. They knew that songs were sung in their honor in their funeral but they never thought much of it beyond fleeting curiosity. Kili himself had expected people to not memorize those songs at all and let it fade with time. They hadn’t dared to expect much, constantly aware of their sins and how they deserved little to no kindness, but it seemed that they weren’t entirely correct. Kili swallowed thickly, thinking of the words of the song. So they were remembered, they were loved, they were forgiven.

When the next song started, Nori left his seat to join the singing dwarfs. The song was about the exiled prince who gave home to his wandering people; who won them a battle at a young age; who was feared, loved, and admired in equal measures; who delivered the promises of the kings before him although he had no throne or crown of his own; whose mind was fixated to a lone peak in the east; who overcame various dangers and obstacles on a journey to reclaim his heritage and return his people to their true home; who defeated a curse which had claimed his predecessor; who won them a battle yet again at the cost of his life; who served his people until his death.

The song that followed was about a young golden prince with smiles as warm as the sun; who carried heavy burdens of a future yet to come and past he had never seen; who wielded weapons as well as warriors twice his age; who mastered the fire of forges as well as expert blacksmiths; who won the hearts of many not with force but with kindness; who stood, steadfast, by his family and people in times of difficulty; whom everyone was eager to someday follow; whose life was cut short with a strike of an arrow.

Then they sang of a young prince with hair as black as night and smiles as bright as day; who brought laughter to all he met; who ran with the wind in the forest, lithe as a deer and deadly as a wolf; who fought as fiercely as dwarfs with twice his experience; who loved as passionately as he lived; who battled fearlessly for a past he didn’t fully understand and a future he wouldn’t see; whose spirit shone when hope seemed to be gone; whose life was as short and fleeting as the summer night he was born on.

The songs gradually came to an end. There was a moment of silence before conversation started again softly, quietly, in respect of the departed royalties. Nyr came to Kili’s table, Brimir and Nori right behind him. He looked at Kili, Fili, Thorin, and Dis with a mixture of regret and joy.

“Thank you,” he said to all of them. “For everything,” he continued.

They should deny that they had done more than what they had to, but Kili’s throat was clogged and the others seemed as incapable of speech. It was a familiar feeling, this tightness in his chest, but for once, it wasn’t sadness which caused it. Beside him, Fili began to smile widely and Kili found that it was contagious, and so did Dis and Nori, apparently, because they, too, smiled happily. Their eyes slightly glassy. Only Thorin was able to remain calm although his eyes were brighter than Kili had ever seen since their deaths.

“You’re welcome. Please, join us.”

With Nyr in their midst, a cheerful atmosphere enveloped the table. They no longer hushed their voices and laughed freely. Round after round of ale was served, paid by each of them in turn. The distance and tension had disappeared and now it’s as if they all had been good friends for a long time. Even Nori, previously cautious and careful with his words, finally admitted (with some help from alcohol) his dream of starting his own business, leaving his old crime-laden life behind. He boasted of having already made connections with jewelers, silk traders, and hunters, and claimed that within a year he would be trading as far as the city of Dale which had nearly regained its previous reputation as one of the richest and most cultured human city. It’s a huge claim to make, but they were in too good a mood to question it and so they drank for Nori and his new endeavor. It was easy to believe in dreams and hopes tonight, after something thought impossible had happened. Kili ordered more drink to celebrate those dreams they couldn’t say or didn’t realize, to hope that one day they would see them coming true before their eyes.

It didn’t take long for the atmosphere to spread to the other patrons. Someone began to play a fiddle provided by the tavern owner and others sang along with the music. These were familiar songs of dwarfs’ woes and unrealistic dreams, of lovers stealing time to meet, and of mischief and pranks which brought laughter in otherwise dreary lives. Tables and chairs were pushed aside to create a dance floor. Brimir was one of the first to dance and Nori followed very closely behind. Nyr moaned that he was too old for this and spent the night complaining about today’s youth although he grinned at Fili and Kili with every sentence. Fili and Kili persuaded Dis to dance and after initial refusal, she gave in. The crowd clapped and thumped their feet on the wooden floor as they spun in endless circles around the tavern. When Kili returned to his table, dizzy, Thorin laughed at him.

What was planned to be a short visit lasted late into the night. Once distant, other patrons now came to Kili’s table for quick chats or at least a pat on the back for bringing Nyrath home. Fili, Nori, and Brimir celebrated this by getting sufficiently drunk and doing an approximation of a dance. Nyr apparently decided that he wasn’t too old for just one dance and left the table, while Dis laughed heartily at some raunchier songs. Kili wanted to join his brother and friends but beside him, Thorin was chuckling and tapping his foot to the music. It was a rare sight even in easier times in the past and now Kili wanted to savor it more than anything. He kept this observation to himself, however, as Thorin tended to retreat into himself when discovered to be anything but composed and stern. Kili also wasn’t sure what he would do or say if he let Thorin know that he was watching. Ale had loosened his tongue and muddled his mind enough and he feared some secret would slip past his defenses. He looked around the tavern. There were too many people here who had just forgiven them and accepted them back into their community. Kili couldn’t ruin this. So, he bit his tongue and looked anywhere but at Thorin. And if he saw Thorin looking at him from the corner of his eyes, he kept his silence.

Midnight had just come when Thorin stood up from his chair. He smiled when Kili looked at him in surprise. “I’m going to go home. I have to work in the morning.”

“Oh! I’ll go with you!”

Kili started to stand up but Thorin put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. He looked at the dancing crowd and then shook his head at Kili. “It’s not necessary. Enjoy the night. You deserve it.”

Kili wanted to point out that Thorin deserved it as well, but he thought better of it. Thorin did need to work tomorrow, after all, and Lord Hagan wouldn’t be as understanding to his exhaustion as Fili’s employer would be. Still, Kili wanted to spend more time with him. After what had happened, it felt crucial to stay near him. However, he worried that his eagerness would draw suspicion and pain, so he reluctantly nodded.

Kili watched Thorin put on his coat and leave. The music, singing, and cheers still filled the tavern, distracting others from his leaving. Kili swallowed his longing, his aching to follow. He shouldn’t. No matter how much he wanted to be near Thorin, how much he wanted to be near and see him happy, how much he wanted to make him happy, he really shouldn’t.

“Go with him.”

Dis’s unexpected words made Kili turned to her in surprise, not having realized that she was watching. She was smiling but Kili shifted nervously. His mother could read him well and he wondered how much he had unwittingly revealed this time.

“He said I should stay,” Kili said, shrugging awkwardly.

Dis smiled knowingly. “But you don’t want to stay, do you? You want to be with him.”

Kili started to stammer, fear and shame mixing in his chest. “I don’t…”

“Go,” Dis interrupted. She glanced at the door and nodded to Kili. “Go after him. He wants you to just as you want to. We’ll be all right.”

Dis’s assurance broke something in Kili’s chest. He wanted to argue but beneath her serene smile there were confidence and certainty and understanding. She knew and she understood the risk, she understood that what had happened in the past few months could happen again if Kili gave in to his heart. Yet, her smile and gaze were encouraging. Inhaling sharply, Kili reached out across the table to squeeze her hand.

“Are you sure?” he tried one last time, his voice a little unsteady.

Dis nodded. “Go,” she said again.

Only one second of hesitation passed before Kili nodded in agreement. He squeezed Dis’s hand in gratitude and quickly got up. Fili and Nori were still dancing. He should tell them that he was leaving but if he waited, he might lose his courage. So, he put on his coat, trusting Dis to tell Fili and Nori later. No one stopped or noticed him when he left the tavern in a rush. Even after the door shut behind him a little loudly, no one came. In the darkness, he could see Thorin’s lantern moved in the distance. Excitement and cold numbed his fingers and he fumbled to light his own lantern. When he managed to do so, Thorin had gone even further, the fire in his lantern but a small yellow dot in the dark blue. Kili wasn’t discouraged, however, and fought the snow hindering his steps to follow Thorin.

Everything was quiet around him. The houses had gone dark as the dwarfs inside had gone to sleep. The moon peeked from behind a cloud and there were smatterings of stars in the sky. Somewhere in the forest an owl hooted as it searched for prey. Without any company, Kili’s mind wandered again and again to the risks he was taking and the fact that he was risking more than just himself. However, he reminded himself to Fili, Dis, and Nori’s support and kept his eyes on the pale yellow glow which showed where Thorin was. He hastened to close the gap between them. Finally, with persistence, he managed to catch up just as Thorin turned to the street leading to Kili’s house.

“Thorin!” Kili called out. He grinned when Thorin turned in surprise and hurried to stand beside Thorin.

“What are you doing here?” Thorin asked, frowning slightly.

Kili panted slightly-it wasn’t easy to walk quickly in the snow-but still managed to smile and answer. “I’ve had enough of drinking and dancing. I’m going with you.”

Thorin stared at him for a moment, his gaze unreadable. Then, he shook his head and continued walking. Kili walked beside him happily. “They’ll be disappointed to find you gone.”

Kili laughed. “They will be too drunk to notice I’m gone.” He grinned when Thorin scoffed in amusement. They started to walk slowly side by side. “What do you think of tonight?”

Thorin took a deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “It’s unexpected but in a good way.” The fire in his lantern illuminated a smile on his face, genuine and peaceful.

“A very good way,” Kili added. “Just this morning I didn’t think….” He stopped himself. It didn’t matter now what he had thought. It was a new beginning, in more ways than one.

Kili looked at Thorin. Contentment bloomed in his heart and in his mind. He felt that this was how it’s meant to be: him walking alongside Thorin. He wanted more than physical closeness, of course. He wanted to make Thorin happy, smiling and at ease as he should be. He wanted to help Thorin, to support him when the world was cruel. He wanted to be with him when sorrow inevitably found him. He wanted to mourn with him the past which would never return. He wanted to accompany him as he traversed uncertain future. He wanted to share his own happiness, sadness, worry, and every emotion there was, with him. Kili thought of the many decades worth of opportunity lost and nearly regretted it, but he stopped himself. It had brought him to where he was now and he wouldn’t let this fresh opportunity go to waste. He took a deep breath, thinking of the many ways he could take that important step. But then he thought of what Dis had said: Thorin didn’t appreciate subtlety. Well, then.

“Before Hagan arrived, we were asked to prepare the Hall for him,” Kili started. When Thorin looked at him curiously, he continued. “Mother said to destroy any personal belongings so that no one would misuse it. So, we cleaned our old rooms and burnt down anything private that we found. We cleaned your room, too.” At this, Thorin stiffened and stopped. Kili followed suit, looking at Thorin. He smiled at the nervousness on Thorin’s face. There was nothing to be worried about. “I found a drawing of me in your bedside table.”

Thorin clenched his jaws, His grip on this lantern visibly tightened. “I don’t mean to offend you.”

“I know,” Kili said, nodding. “I was surprised but I guess you did… do…” He trailed off, inexplicably embarrassed to put into words what they both knew.

Slowly, Thorin nodded. “I do.” He swallowed and quickly composed himself. “But I will try to forget it if that’s what you want. I completely understand that it’s not mutual…”

“It’s mutual,” Kili interrupted. He looked into Thorin’s widening eyes and repeated quietly but firmly, “It’s mutual.”

For a moment, Thorin was completely quiet, staring at Kili in disbelief. Then, he released a very long breath, as if he had been holding it for a while. Kili closed his eyes when he lifted a hand to his face, his gloved knuckles caressing Kili’s cold cheek. “Oh. I’ve always thought… I’ve always wanted…”

Kili could say that he knew, but he didn’t. He could only guess how Thorin had felt all these decades. His own feelings in the past couple of months must’ve been but a pale shadow of what Thorin had felt. Kili watched a shaky smile formed on Thorin’s lips as if he was still uncertain of what Kili had said. His eyes shone brighter than the moon and the stars and Kili had never felt more cherished than he did that moment. Kili held Thorin’s caressing hand and sighed quietly at the joy flooding him, the relief and the feeling that this was right, this was what he didn’t know he needed. Many days and nights he had imagined how it felt to have his feelings accepted and reciprocated but the fantasy didn’t come close to this moment, this feeling of bursting with happiness, when Thorin looked at him so affectionately and touched him so tenderly and Kili could touch him in return, saying in actions what words couldn’t.

But, Thorin then closed his eyes and shook his head. He dropped his hand to his side and fisted it. “My work here will end in spring and I will leave. I don’t belong here. My home is in Erebor and yours is here.” He looked at Kili with eyes full of bitter regret. Kili felt his heart sink. “It cannot work.”

Kili had considered this but in his hopefulness and in the exhilaration of secret uncovered, he had forgotten that some problems persisted and Thorin’s words erased any hope from Kili’s mind. Was that it? So it was impossible after all? So this would forever remain a dream? Kili’s chest constricted painfully. All that time craving and longing and fearing and this short moment was all they had. He wanted to follow Thorin but Thorin was right, Erebor held no sway in his heart. It had been a place of dream he had felt responsible to take back, but nothing more. He had no interest in its splendor and his only emotional connections to the place were Thorin and the battle that killed them. Ered Luin was where he had grown up in, where he had been raised in, where he intended to work and grew old in. It was his true home. He could go with Thorin to Erebor but he would always long for Ered Luin and if Thorin were to stay with him in Ered Luin, he would forever think of Erebor. They couldn’t stay together without making each other miserable and they didn’t want that at all. They had gone through enough and they wanted only to make each other happy.

So it’s over now just as it began? Kili thought of everything he had just learnt and everything he would never know, moments he had taken for granted and moments that wouldn’t happen, words and actions unnoticed and those that would never be seen or heard. The sadness in Thorin’s face intensified the ache in Kili’s chest. He didn’t want to lose Thorin and everything that could be between them. He didn’t think he could live his life fully, knowing who and what he had missed. He wasn’t sure he wanted to. But what should they do? Kili frowned, thinking hard. There had to be a way. There _must_ be a way. He couldn’t let Thorin go.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. “Nori,” Kili gasped in realization. He looked up to Thorin’s confused eyes. “He said he wants to trade as far as Dale, didn’t he? I can work for him as a hunter or a guard! That way I can live here and visit you from time to time!” he said hopefully.

A sliver of hope passed Thorin’s face, but still he was hesitant. “Dale is far away and the road is still quite dangerous.”

“I don’t care!” Kili insisted loudly. Thorin seemed taken aback but Kili didn’t relent. He wanted this. He needed this. He needed to be with Thorin and if to do so he had to travel a great distance, then so be it. “I will go for you!”

Thorin looked at him in mild disbelief. Kili smiled. Was it so difficult to believe that Kili wanted them together so much? Well, he did. He wanted this more than he ever wanted anything in his life and he would do what he could to make it happen. Thorin had waited for very long and Kili… well, he hadn’t waited as long, but it didn’t mean that his feelings were less strong and he would give up. He fully understood the risk-after all, he had done the journey twice now-and he was willing to take it again and again if that meant being able to spend time with Thorin. Because he knew that being together with Thorin, even for a while, was worth the effort. Now if only Thorin would see and understand this.

“Dwalin said there’s a plan for regular inspection,” Thorin said quietly, looking at the snow between them. “To see whether the armies in other colonies are ready for attacks from enemies. It won’t be every year but there’s a plan for it and it includes Ered Luin.” He looked up to Kili’s hopeful eyes. “I can try to ask to be sent here for the inspections.”

Kili nodded quickly as he smiled widely. “Do that and I’ll ask Nori to employ me,” he said, his voice throaty with mixed emotions.

Thorin gave Kili a smile he had never seen before. It’s full of affection and softness and patience and warmth, every ingredient of a good happy life. He held Kili’s gloved hand in a firm but gentle grip. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll find other ways.”

Kili squeezed Thorin’s hand. “We will.”

He knew they would. Their situation was far from ideal and it wouldn’t be easy but they would try. They might fail but they would find new ways. They could make this work if they tried hard enough. They _would_ make it work. No more waiting now. It’s in their hands and they would protect and nurture it. They would make up for everything they had missed and never let any opportunity in the future go to waste. It would take a lot of effort and they still had to maintain secrecy, but being together, sharing happiness and sadness and everything in between, knowing that they were loved and being loved in return, was more than worth it.

The night grew colder but they hardly felt it as they walked home hand in hand. The house was silent and dark but they barely paid it any mind. They went to Kili’s bedroom and sat on his bed. They spoke quietly for there was no need for volume when one was so near to your heart. They filled silent moments with loving smiles and warm gazes and gentle touches, still amazed by this new relationship once thought to forever be a dream. Kili sighed softly as he rested his forehead on Thorin’s, basking in the proximity, the love they had, and the fullness in his heart. Side by side, holding hands, they looked at the eastern sky and waited for the break of dawn.

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the songs are not accurate retelling of the story or the characters but it's deliberate. I meant it to be a biased/favorable views of everything. That's why there's no mention of Thorin catching the dragon's sickness, for example. I also must admit that Nori's role sort of surprised me because my original plan was to make him Kili's love interest before Thorin's return. Oops.
> 
> Looking back, there are many things I want to write differently, but overall I'm happy with this. This is my, uh, third or second Hobbit fic and the errors in earlier chapters reflect my lack of knowledge back then and I want to keep it that way for the sake of nostalgia (and a reminder that I was an idiot, or at least bigger idiot than I am now). There's a final note on my tumblr about [my more private reflection](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/post/123951418269/a-note-about-heart-of-stone-before-i-post-the) of the writing process of this fic if you're interested. Again, thank you so much for reading this monster. Feel free to drop a line or two on [my tumblr](http://demonessryu.tumblr.com/) about this fic because I have so much feels about it. See you in my future fics!


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